Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi guys, this is my first post as part of the tribe.
I would love some honest feedback from anyone.
I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years, she is Italian and I am English. We now live together but I am having massive doubts. We immediately became very close after both being in previously hurtful relationships and breakups, but although we clearly didn’t want to be alone, we have never had any form of real physical intimacy. We had sex, but she would never really seem to enjoy or instigate it. Since the start of the relationship, the sex has become less and less (in frequency and in quality). She has openly told me she has massive intimacy issues, which I have tried so often to help with (give her space, talk openly and honestly, offer therapy, couples counselling etc.), but there came a point when I realise that we had never had any passionate sex, or had any chemistry if we occasionally do have sex (once every 3/4/5 months), it is the same, quick and boring as it always was.
I am not a selfish lover, I have spoken openly about anything that may help with intimacy, different types of ‘giving’ sexual acts (oral etc), dressing up, fantasies… it goes on.
I now wonder if we are just not suited for each other. As well as these issues, we have different views on where we want to live, certain levels of acceptable risks to take, hobbies, working time etc. It seems we are quite different and I am afraid that we are both in this relationship because we are afraid to be alone.
I definitely fear being alone, and I now feel that may be why I rushed into this relationship, knowing things weren’t the way I wanted them.
All of this has accumulated in massive feelings of anxiety and depression, I am haunted by potentially hurting someone I care so much about, especially after the last year was so tough on so many people. And I am so scared of making a mistake.
Any help or advice would be great?
Thank you in advance.
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Bringing up more "sexual acts" is not what women want to hear. She wants intimacy, not necessarily hearing about more sex acts you could do. (Well, you wanted honesty... and I'm telling you how women are).
If you are unhappy, you have to figure she is unhappy too. So you would be doing both of you a favor to either end this, or both of you have to try very hard to make things better. It can't stay the way it is right now.
You both got out of bad relationships before you got together. Got together out of loneliness, possibly rebound. I agree to keep encouraging her to go to therapy, In the meanwhile, you can get into your own individual therapy, to help yourself.
Is it possible for one of you to move out? Living together will only make this situation worse. You can perhaps suggest that one or both of you could move in with family for awhile.
But it sounds like you want out anyway...??
To be honest, the bringing up of sexual acts may have been miscommunicated on here by me, I meant only that when it came to sexual things, I would be open to trying whatever would be comfortable and helpful to her, not that I was constantly suggesting things etc. I had for a long time tried to bring a spark to our sexual life, but after lots of rejections, I stopped because I didn't want to add pressure. But unfortunately we haven't had sex since, that was 4 months ago now.
You're right, I think we are both unhappy, but after having honest talks, it seems she doesn't want to 'be alone', and I am not exactly thrilled about the idea, but yes I feel this isn't right for me. I suppose moving out could be an option, but I am scared that that would just be a means to an end, and I don't want to lead her on.
Thank you for this help, I am just so anxious about
a) being in a relationship where my needs aren't being met, we're almost platonic in how we are with each other.
b) Hurting someone I care for and love.
c) being lonely if I do finish things,
I know these are normal concerns, I'm just going through a difficult time in my head.
I do think therapy would help you to sort out your feelings and help you to decide what your next steps will be. A therapist can help you sort through all of what you are thinking. Help you with the loneliness feelings, etc.
You kind of have to decide.... do you really want this relationship? Or is it possible you are ONLY staying because you are afraid to be alone? If you moved in with family or a friend, would you still feel alone? I am sure you would meet someone soon.
If you didn't have loneliness issues, would you still be staying in this relationship? Have you considered that she is also unhappy, and maybe she wants to end this as well?
Some things to think about. Keep processing it. It's good that you are thinking this through. Just remember that it might not necessarily be "hurting her" to end this. If you have an honest talk with her, she is probably not so happy either.
Her lack of sexual interest could be her suffering from depression, or she is unhappy in this relationship or unhappy with you
Do you really want THIS relationship... or just ANY relationship? Think about these questions.
There are too many differences between you and you might both be settling for less that you need out of fear of being alone. But loneliness is something we all need to learn how to deal with and this process is worth going through, specially if one of it's consequences is eventually finding the right person for you.
If you ever do decide that you need to end the relationship don't let the fear of hurting her stop you, consider how much more staying with her for the wrong reasons is hurting her that an honest break up would.
I can see if you were married for years, had a lot of things that tie you together.. but this is only the beginning.
It should not be like this.
I have a feeling that with the right person, she might enjoy it. But if not, that's bad, a close friend married a woman, about month into the marriage she told him about her endometriosis they had a baby, she then regularly rejected him and he spent about 125,000 in the divorce proceeding. So whether her abuse has permanently colored her views, she's not really attracted to me, or it's not working with you. you going nowhere in this relationship.
You seem like a nice guy and with the right girl, probably things will work out, and you might even try the things you mentioned when she felt comfortable.
I would strongly urge you to get back into counseling. A therapist can help you with your childhood trauma, and also what sounds like co-dependency issues.
Unfortunately, I don't see this current relationship working out. I would not make any more permanent moves together (getting engaged, having a baby, etc). Get yourself back into therapy before doing anything more in this relationship. And if one of you can move out, that would probably be for the best for both of you.
Keep us updated.