Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
We fought, we talked, i cried..
The other day He hit me. he got angry during a discussion, then broke my daughters unicorn picture against a wall. glass was everywhere. my daughter was heartbroken. she is 4. trying to pick up the pieces. i lost it. i needed to be in between him and my daughter. i flew up to get in between them. he has never hit her. he just had the picture in his hand and smashed it. she came out to see what the noise was...
but when i came near him he hit me. i defended myself enough to keep him from actually landing a blow or hurting me...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
The other day He hit me. he got angry during a discussion, then broke my daughters unicorn picture against a wall. glass was everywhere. my daughter was heartbroken. she is 4. trying to pick up the pieces. i lost it. i needed to be in between him and my daughter. i flew up to get in between them. he has never hit her. he just had the picture in his hand and smashed it. she came out to see what the noise was...
but when i came near him he hit me. i defended myself enough to keep him from actually landing a blow or hurting me...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
I wish you peace....
Yes. It is that bad, We all deserve to have that one person we can count on - I identified with a lot of the things you wrote and I'm crying for you now but it is not ok that he lost it you, And you never hit him. Someone in the house should be capable of not losing it.
In my house I tried not to lose it, and I would start to, and pound on his chest and he wouldn't let me lose it....but in the end, he lost it. And now he's gone.
http://www.thehotline.org
Saying NO by walking away is the best way to put an end to violence and change your life and that of your daughter. Keep in mind that the authorities insist that your daughter IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY--not your husband, not you. If you don't get her out and she talks about this, you risk Child Protective Services coming into the home and possibly removing her. Get both of you out of there and stop the violence now. If he wants to get counseling, he can do it on his own and after a year or so, you can talk with his counselor to see if he has made improvements and the counselor believes he is no longer violent. Until then, you should break contact with him.
You are your daughter's fiduciary and with that you are charged to protect her, keep her in a life that is safe and keep her away from environments such as you described. Those environments negatively impact kids and that's why kids should NOT be in them. So step up NOW and protect her and get out.
As to your PTSD, I too deal with PTSD and PTSD flashbacks. I work with a therapist. There is a PTSD board here on DS and if you are not already on that board, I suggest you get on that board. If you click on the green link below, it will take you right into that board.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder/support-group
I wish you the best. Get going and get out of this situation as it is ripe for more violence. Many, many hugs.
I am sure if he commits to such treatment, all of you can work things out and move into a positive direction. Your instinct was to protect your daughter and you did the right thing but obviously there are severe issues that need to be addressed. Even for you, my dear. Since you have inside such anger, tomorrow the violence can explode in ways you did not mean. Right now she is only 4, and she will grow up, she will become a teenager, she will need you by her side for all the difficult times and celebrate the good ones.
Please do get help now.
THIS hurts so bad. ive never been married, ive never had a family and thats all ive ever wanted. was to have a family. Ive told him we arent together. even finding out about this is freaking the ptsd part of me out and im struggling right now to keep control of it. My daughters father had a ploy... even fake parents he had me talking to. he would even go to the thrift store and buy me things saying his mom made them for me... said we would get married. this was our second child... I miscarried the first around 12 weeks. then he backed into me with a car when i was 4 months preggers with the second... and left. and she is 4 now. he has seen her 3 times in her life for a combined total of 3 hours, if that.
Im so tired of people hitting me. why does it never happen right away? why always a couple years down the road... so i have to go through this again. and right now im struggling with my abandonment fear, that i THOUGHT i had kicked in the butt. I was ok. and now im a mess again. and i feel guilty cause i know that im hard to live with, that maybe i just pushed him too far. i dont know. ive spent time alone. im fine alone. i like myself enough to enjoy being alone.
If i could paint the perfect picture with my daughter... I would be with someone who is kind and understanding towards me. who goes out of their way to do things for us and not expect anything in return. I want someone who is a good communicator and talks kindly towards me, and can recognize that when i start to freak out its not them, and just stay calm and talk me down, but i feel i cannot ask that of someone. I would prefer someone who is spiritual yet non religious. I want camping trips, fishing trips, horseback riding and outings that i dont always have to plan. I want to be able to say hey, this is broken, and have them take care of it and not worry. i want to be able to relinquish control without feeling scared about it. I want to be able to lose it at home if i have to, and in the end find myself being in the arms of someone understanding who does not judge me or react harshly to the fact that I am crazy sometimes, because i just cant help it when im triggered. Cause i really just want someone there who I know loves me. who i can look at and feel safe with. and that they are responsible to take care of things when i cant. I want someone to do little things for me, or to spoil me once in a while. it doesnt have to be expensive. just as simple as leaving a note on the fridge. I want someone who will not lie to me. ever. who has similar interests and i can share the things i love to do with him.
but i feel it just doesnt matter anymore... with this... its kinda the last straw. i dont think i will ever be able to trust again. hitting, fighting. lying. its all ive ever known out of a relationship. I just got off the phone with my "best friend" and she told me i would get no sympathy for this. she is mad at me for not leaving right away. i dont have anywhere to go. im pissed a little. she cheated on her husband, went through a whole fucked up fiasco with the guy she was in love with where he used devalued and discarded her, and i was there for her every step of the way. i didnt judge her. i listened and put my two sense in here and there. then i try to vent to her, now that she is in a better spot, and i get... you will get no sympathy from me? i dont want fucking sympathy. i just wanted a friend. i guess i dont even have that. all i have is this fucking computer screen.
youre smart enough and strong enough and resilient enough to do what you know is right
I have seen him come leaps and bounds in working on himself. but i dont think i can get over it. i feel no matter what i do im fucked.
Today i heard him cancelling his plans... apparently he was going to ask me to marry him. this hurts. ive never been married. ive never had a home, a family, and ive always craved one.
I cant do this again. i know i cant. i dont trust anyone, i tried, and its destroyed me again. I dont want my daughter to think its ok....
Is there ever an instance where it only happens once? even so i cant take that chance. god this is freaking me out so bad.... i feel so hopeless cause either way im going to be hurt and lost. ive done this before... SO many times, way too many. i just want it to stop. i want everything to stop.
GET REAL. You're not playing house here and this is violence and you know it is not acceptable--you went through it before. I DID TOO.
But when you whimp out on your child and put your own emotions first and are using excuses to stay such as "I don't want to be in a shelter . . . I will be able to move once I know what funds will be like. . . I'm at war with myself" ---notice that your statements are all "I, I, I" and not one of them is about your daughter. Ohhh, that is painful to read.
Your child belongs with another person for her protection and you can stay in the abusive relationship if that's what you want. No one can help you but yourself and you have to step in and do it without excuses.
I want to give up. i want to quit school. i want to go live on a mountain somewhere where i dont have to hear anyone speak.
I once thought i was strong enough, but today i dont. right now there is nothing left inside me to drive me on. my daughter should be my number one. but i dont care enough about myself in this moment to make that happen.