Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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This is a bit of a follow up to something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.
But to recap, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, and he asked if I still wanted to be friends, and I (foolishly) agreed. Well since then, we've texted constantly everyday (and we both initiate texts, not just me), he calls me on the phone, invites me to spend time with his family, have spent every weekend together since the break up, and yes slept together a couple of times.
Last night, for some reason, the topic of us being friends came up (via text), and at first I jokingly asked "aww, I'm not your friend?" His response was "I dunno." When I asked again more seriously, he just didn't respond.
Now over the years, I have had a FWB type of relationship with exes, but everybody knew what the terms were, and there certainly was not constant communication, dinners with family, boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. So this one confuses me. I can understand a guy wanting to continue a sexual relationship, but I don't understand keeping this type of "pretend boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, unless the two people are actually friends and like spending time together.
So I don't understand where he is coming from. To me, in this case, a guy would fall into two categories, and it would be 1) an honest guy, 2) dishonest guy.
So the honest guy would just be up front about what he wants. The whole "While were are not together anymore, I still think you are cute, and think it would be fun to get together once in a while".
The dishonest guy would straight out lie and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get what he wants (sex and/or companionship). He would be like "of course we're friends."
So where does this guy fall? Is he just too cowardly to tell the truth?
But to recap, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, and he asked if I still wanted to be friends, and I (foolishly) agreed. Well since then, we've texted constantly everyday (and we both initiate texts, not just me), he calls me on the phone, invites me to spend time with his family, have spent every weekend together since the break up, and yes slept together a couple of times.
Last night, for some reason, the topic of us being friends came up (via text), and at first I jokingly asked "aww, I'm not your friend?" His response was "I dunno." When I asked again more seriously, he just didn't respond.
Now over the years, I have had a FWB type of relationship with exes, but everybody knew what the terms were, and there certainly was not constant communication, dinners with family, boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. So this one confuses me. I can understand a guy wanting to continue a sexual relationship, but I don't understand keeping this type of "pretend boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, unless the two people are actually friends and like spending time together.
So I don't understand where he is coming from. To me, in this case, a guy would fall into two categories, and it would be 1) an honest guy, 2) dishonest guy.
So the honest guy would just be up front about what he wants. The whole "While were are not together anymore, I still think you are cute, and think it would be fun to get together once in a while".
The dishonest guy would straight out lie and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get what he wants (sex and/or companionship). He would be like "of course we're friends."
So where does this guy fall? Is he just too cowardly to tell the truth?
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I so exhausted from pain in my back that started Sunday but was mild and almost gone till I took bath that night and think I twisted or did something to take it to excruciating...I am away for work in a different state so traveled Monday and worked today then called my boss to fyi her about fact I am falling apart and walking like elderly person! I did telemed and they called in prednisone and...
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Can't wait to burn my pumpkin spice candle! National Coffee Day is coming up on the 29th so I hope to score up on a free coffee.
I'm not going to sugar coat this.
He's using you because 1. you're way too available. 2. he doesn't value or respect you.
We teach people how to treat us. Since you are accepting his behavior and making yourself available to him, you're teaching him to not value or respect you.
Nothing will change until you change. Please find a qualified therapist who can help you rebuild your self esteem and learn to set and keep personal boundaries.
A very wise therapist once told me that in order to have a loving healthy relationship with another person, we must first have that with ourselves.
He's toying with you to keep you dangling and coming back.
The reason I am confused is that it's easier for me to picture a guy with "horns", cackling to himself saying "excellent, I have her where I want her" (essentially, a guy who is knowingly doing something hurtful and deceitful).
But since he was a nice person while we were dating, and continues to act nice and letting me spend time with his family like a real friend might (although he does have these depressive spells), I think this is where I have a break down in my thinking.
It could very well be that although he is using me, he is not knowingly doing so, or at least he doesn't admit to himself that he is.
His answers to a lot of things this week have been "meh", and "I dunno." I mentioned that I was thinking of taking a trip, and he said it doesn't matter where he goes, because his life will suck wherever he is. I think he's really depressed (although it's all an act...but what for?).
I was thinking of maybe just doing the same as he is doing to me. Have him be a fill-in person, too. (although that's not the healthiest solution).
This was the title of your post on the physical and emotional abuse support group
You didn't tell us he is abusive---This all makes perfect sense why he keeps you confused, that is what abusers do very well
He even threatened you physically.
I honestly hope someone can convince you to cut him loose.
you are thinking is he using you as a fill in person and that maybe you'd be okay with using him as a fill in person
do yourself a favor, get away from him & don't become like him