Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Bethers 08/14/2010

So, I am not so new to the site but not a very active poster. I have virtually no support, I have a really hard time turning to people because most of the time I don't feel like anyone really cares and I really don't like feeling like I am looking for pity. But I am having a real difficult time and need to change my thinking because I just don't know that I can get through this by myself. so my story goes.....I've been dumped and i feel like crap. I met my ex 4 years ago, he responded to an ad I placed on yahoo, and when i read his bio I just had to meet him, there was just something that drew me to him..so after chatting for about a month online we met and then a year later we moved in together it was horrible, he was always on the computer and I felt ignored and depressed we would fight and nothing changed so it got to the point where it hostile everyday then one day I came home and he was gone even though it was horrible I was devastated. almost 2 mths later he came back wanting to reconcile and we did things were better we were getting along and it was working, we moved into a new place and it was great then a little over a year after we got back together I discovered he had been cheating and talking to different girls online for almost the entire time since he had come home, again I was devastated I kicked him out but that only lasted about a week and I let him back after his begging and promises to never do it again and how he loved me so much. So things seemed fine the trust gradually came back we were doing things taking vacations and then almost a year later to the date I started feeling things weren't right, I had no proof of anything except my gut. He denied doing anything but there were too many signals I kept brushing them aside. Until July 2nd, 2 weeks after a great vacation I come home again and find he has moved out again although he denies he is cheating I know he is with another woman. I may have brushed those signals aside but I still remember them and how convienant the woman I think he was cheating with moved to the cities the same weekend he moved out. I don't get why the denial he knows I know but yet he still denies it. I feel like such an idiot, I feel so used. Although today I cut off ties it still hurts like heck why do they lie why go through all that why cause so much pain to someone you claim to love. Why am I so unlovable

deleted_user 08/14/2010

First, this is on him. He is a guy who simply cannot be true to one person. It has nothing to do with you being unlovable (and quite frankly there's no such thing). There's always someone to love somebody.

There's a lot of different reasons why people cheat BUT it isn't a healthy response at all. It's a sign of disrespect and poor character. You're doing the best thing by cutting off all ties. No contact will be the best way to heal from his betrayal. Chin up, stand strong and have heart. It will hurt for a while but in time you'll realize you did the absolute best thing for you.

deleted_user 08/14/2010

Bethers,

I think you did the right thing by cutting off conversations with him. It is very hard when you realize that the person you are in love with is not the person that you thought they were. Long-term you will be much better off. There are a lot of good people on DS that are hear to support you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Chuck

deleted_user 08/14/2010

(((Bethers)))

First thing - you are lovable! My stbx cheated on me as well. I felt as if the world crashed down I was all alone. I felt that I could never be loved again and I felt that the affair was my fault. I have come to learn more about myself in the past couple of months than I have during the marriage that I thought was perfect. You are not alone here. There are so many wonderful people here. I really do not come to you with advise other than keep looking at yourself in the mirror. The person you see is there and valid. The reasons he cheated can only be answered by him, but they are his reasons, not yours. Tomorrow is a brighter day. Hang in there. I know it is hard, but you will come out the other side.

(((Bethers)))

deleted_user 08/14/2010

I agree with the others. This is not about you. it is about him. Cutting off coversations with him is the right thing to do.

You are lovable. He has the problem.

Keep talking we are listening. Hugs

deleted_user 08/14/2010

I had a similar problem with the 2 week vacation. When I left, he loved me and we were getting along well. By the time I came back, he hated me, held me responsible for everything he thinks is wrong with his life, had rekindled a relationship with his high school sweetheart and left me and the babies to be with her in another state. I don't know why they do it. Mine had an internet/mmorpg addiction and was never available.

You are not unloveable. He doesn't know how or doesn't care to love. You just need to move on, no matter how painful it is. I wish I could totally cut ties with mine, but children are involved.

deleted_user 08/14/2010

its not you its him. i am glad you are coming here for support. if you arent in therapy get in therapy- try united way 411 on google or united way counseling- they have inexpensive therapists available on a sliding scale and can lead you in the right direction. i am glad you have no contact with him. its hard, but its best.

honey- if i knew why they lied i would be a much less confused person. you arent unloveable. he is just a jerk. keep coming here.

Bethers 08/14/2010

thank you all for your words of encouragement....I burst into tears reading what you all said only because I know you are all right...My head tells me I am doing the right thing, but my heart says something so different. It is so hard to do the right thing. After he left we had communication and he so denied being with anyone else and still does, but with each thing he said along with the lack of doing what he says really makes me believe otherwise. Bellazuzu, you really hit the nail for me. I know, actually I hope, I will heal and he will still be doing the same things and when this girl dumps him he will start all over...I don't get how someone would want to live like that. Again thank you all for your support...Beth

deleted_user 08/14/2010

I agree with all the others and I know this is going to be difficult to hear...but he is lying because he will probably come back again - You need to prepare yourself for that and NOT take him back....get counseling.....and keep talking and seeking support here. I'm so sorry your going through this! I'll pray for you..(((((((Bethers)))))))

deleted_user 08/14/2010

Time to work through getting over him and moving on. You ARE loveable, he was just a crappy yardstick to measure it by. He is a user and an effing jerk. No matter what you would have done, he would have done the same thing and I will bet he just knew you were better than him and that he didn't deserve you! He took advantage of your emotions, love and goodwill and that is inexcusible. I'm glad he is gone for your sake. You would not want your best friend in that situation, right? So now, be your own best friend, dust yourself off, give yourself a hug and take a deep breath. Chalk it up to experience. It sucks, but it is over. From here on out, know that you deserve someone who will never treat you like that...I know you aren't ready now, but for future reference, you will be more cautious and pay attention to the warning signs that this are not gonna get better as they pop up. Many of us hold on to someone with the thought that if we get them away from a certain hangout or habit (computer or drinks), then they will see that life can be much better. Then it is great until they get back into their routines. I have a hunch that your man was addicted to that rush of meeting new people and feeling worshipped by women who thought he was perfect until they and you learned what he was all about. Big hugs, hope what I said made some sense...kinda rambling today, but my intentions are the best...

deleted_user 08/14/2010

I read your post and God do I understand, not in the head but in the heart. I have those same feelings like how am I going to get through this. I was asked to leave after 23 years, that was two years ago and I am still a wreck. I am constantly at war with myself, angry at myself for letting what happen paralyze me. I am so lonely but that isn't going to change unless I make it happen and I am not sure how to do that. She did a great job on my self esteem and it would have stayed that way but for a while I joined a divorce support group, 26 women and about five guys. I was one of the guys. I was never a monster, I am a good man and I have so much to give someone, you are not alone with where you are at, as lousy as it is, I am right there with you, and it hurts like hell. You went on one hell of a roller coater ride with all the ups and downs you described, but what do we do now? How do we get back into life when we feel like we have been in an emotional car wreck that has left us handicapped. But in my conversations with myself especially before trying to fall asleep I fight back because I know that what she did doesn't define me. I have gotten through the haze the damage she did happens to so many of us by our significant other on their way out, but as I said I got some clarity and if I am lucky enough to meet someone, even if it is emailing on the net, there is a goodness and kindness that I have to share. I didn't mean to go off so much on me but despite this awakening right now I have no one to just talk to, share more of my experience, to have the pleasure and fun when you get to meet someone for the first time. I am kinda of new to the forum but your post gives me strenght. I did post yesterday, hey I have to go to work, but I want to send you the message that you are not alone, and today while I am trying to keep 35 addicts and alcoholics in line. I will read your post again, and thank you for putting your feelings out there. You never know how many people they may help, take care, Luxx

deleted_user 08/15/2010

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." ~Author Unknown

I know that is hard and at times is hopeless to deal with your feeling alone but the darkest hour is the one before sunrise...remember always to love and respect yourself above all and think it can be worse...like if you had a kid with him...As for me, I'm married and going through a separation and with a three year old son... I hate his guts and his lies but well...it's to death do us part because of our child we will have to keep a civil relationship... for the time being..

deleted_user 08/15/2010

everybody that's here cares Bethers, because we know what it's like to be devesated. i'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation. unlovable? please. anybody that has the capacity to care aboue another human being is lovable. i wish i could sat more to make you feel better, just know that are people here that understand and want to help. that's what this site is all about :)

deleted_user 08/15/2010

You are no idiot. You trusted that an adult could act like an adult. He betrayed you so never feel like an idiot. Allow yourself to hurt and morn the passing of a bad relationship just remember each day brings opportunity and it is what you make of it so don't let this guy take anymore from you than he already has. Remember head up new day and your never alone.

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