Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am a single mother of a 13 year old who has never married. Last year around February I ran into a neighbor. In the same conversation he told me he was separated from his wife of 20 years for about 8 months. Before the conversation was over he asked me if I wanted to go out the following week. And I accepted because he is, very handsome and I had not had a relationship in like 10 years.
Not once did I consider that he was on the rebound or that he was dealing with some heavy emotional trauma or that the divorce is very contentious and he is very bitter about it or that his daughter (14) was being affected deeply by all of it. I just dove right in and started a full blown love affair with him. At first it was he who was interested and pursued me, then within a month I became possessed and could not stop thinking and needing to be with him. Right around that same time, he became less and less available and his time became very limited. And that's when the brake ups and make ups started. They would last for only days, a week at most because I couldn't bare being without him, even if the time he gave me was so limited.
This "relationship" has been nothing but heartache, pain, frustration, neglect, despair AND elation, euphoria, great intimacy, and happiness. We are supposed to be together but for all practical purposes I'm vanished from his life because he says nobody can know about us until after the divorce is final, and after his daughter gets lots and lots of therapy. That can take years!
I'm living in a crazy world of yearning for this guy and being physically sick, and obsessing over him. He keeps saying he is not emotionally available and that it was irresponsible of him to start a relationship with me before being fully healed from his marriage ending. He also does not let me move on by saying he is not ready to let me go and that he cares deeply about me.
Walking away from the relationship seems out of the question because (at least in my mind) he is everything I ever wanted in a man: funny, smart, sucessful, good looking, great in bed, very loyal, and very sweet and kind. He is also right now extremely self involved and is always needing "me" time. We are taking time away from each other because I wrote him an email clearly stating all his shortcomings (how self involved he is, etc) and that made him very angry. He emailed me back that he needed "time to see if we should be in a relationship "right now". I wrote back, that perhaps is best we just ended and move on. He says he is not ready for that. Meanwhile I'm obsessing like crazy. And what's worse, he lives ACROSS THE STREET, which means I have to see him all the time coming and going.
If you have found something that has helped you deal with dating a recently separated but yet not divorced and very traumatized guy, would you share your insights? Even if you are the guy in a similar situation?
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There's no way this person was emotionally available given his circumstances.
Some will tell you they are to get what they want, but he's still married. He's got issues. He's got too much on his plate and yes he should have been upfront about it but we have to take responsibility for getting into relationships and projecting our expectations onto someone else.
Next time you'll know better but afraid you're going to have to chalk this up to a life lesson and move on.
Stop contacting him. For any reason.
You'll appear desperate and needy and make it worse for yourself.
If you need therapy get some but don't chase him because it will just alienate him further.
The reasons for his wanting a relationship like that are complicated...and maybe even valid...but it is what it is.
If you want a relationship...then he's not the man for you.
How to put this. If I've got a kid. And my child knowing that I got into a relationship would damage my child....then I'm not a very good parent if I get into a relationship.
So by his OWN standards, he's: 1) not a good parent, and 2) lying (by omission) to his kid and everyone else.
If you stuck with him through all of this. Who's to say that 3 years from now, when he IS finally free, won't cut you loose because he won't want people 10 years from now to know that he was dating while going through his divorce??
Nope, if he's not willing to have the relationship public, I'd walk.
The red flags were flying, but I was exhausted and lonely.
Needless to say that it was doomed.
He used me as a sounding board for all his gripes, became controlling and basically used me to fill a void and make his almost ex jealous.
I ended it but it was certainly a good lesson in what I DON'T want and won't settle for.
People just out of a serious relationship or still half in one are NOT thinking rationally and need time to get their life in order before involving another.
Most of the time they're just looking for someone to fill the void and to make them feel good about themselves again.
"You are what you eat" therefore "you are whatever you think"
Another one I like is "Your drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die" stop allowing the hurt to consume you.
I hope this helps :) either way I'm here for you.