Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Would you consider taking your ex back if he/she came back as a changed person?
The reason I ask is because my ex (yes, we're divorced now) has been wanting me to give him another chance. He wants to show me that he can change. I know he is truly remorseful for what he did/said to me. This includes cheating on me with a girl for two years on an off (I found out later), staying out very late with his buddies to go to bars and coming home drunk, pawning our wedding rings, and eventually telling me he was unhappy and did not love me anymore. He didn't leave me though. I left him because I was tired of supporting him financially while he went out and had a good ole time and disrespected me. We had gone through counseling several months before I left and nothing really changed. Even after I left he said he wanted to see other people, mainly because he wanted to be with the OW. I said fine since that's what he wanted and I was done anyway. He began seeing the OW and I eventually started dating after several months and met someone. Things didn't work out with the OW and then when he realized I was dating someone else he was hurt/jealous. He apologized for all the hurt he caused me but I told him I could not forget the past and that things would never be the same again. He began seeing someone else after and even moved in with her, but that didn't work out either. When the final divorce date came he took it really hard. He realized he was all alone and that he had lost a good woman and his family he broke down. (We have a 6 year old daughter.) He told me he wants to change and go to counseling and church and that he's going to show me that he can change. He tells me he still loves me and will always love me and that he's so sorry for everything he's done and he takes full responsibility. He tells me that he feels I didn't give him a chance to change. Yes, he actually said that!!! I'm glad he's realized his mistakes but I'm afraid it's a little too late for us.
So my question is this: Even if someone manages to change through hard work, is it even possible to work things out after everything that's happened? In my case, my family never wants to see him again. They have been there for me through all of it and they would be devastated to see me go back. I am very close to my family and I would not want to have to choose. I also still have a lot of hurt inside me that I don't even know if I will ever get over. I can't even look at him the same. And of course, there is also the issue that I am currently seeing someone who I care about very much and really like.
The reason I ask is because my ex (yes, we're divorced now) has been wanting me to give him another chance. He wants to show me that he can change. I know he is truly remorseful for what he did/said to me. This includes cheating on me with a girl for two years on an off (I found out later), staying out very late with his buddies to go to bars and coming home drunk, pawning our wedding rings, and eventually telling me he was unhappy and did not love me anymore. He didn't leave me though. I left him because I was tired of supporting him financially while he went out and had a good ole time and disrespected me. We had gone through counseling several months before I left and nothing really changed. Even after I left he said he wanted to see other people, mainly because he wanted to be with the OW. I said fine since that's what he wanted and I was done anyway. He began seeing the OW and I eventually started dating after several months and met someone. Things didn't work out with the OW and then when he realized I was dating someone else he was hurt/jealous. He apologized for all the hurt he caused me but I told him I could not forget the past and that things would never be the same again. He began seeing someone else after and even moved in with her, but that didn't work out either. When the final divorce date came he took it really hard. He realized he was all alone and that he had lost a good woman and his family he broke down. (We have a 6 year old daughter.) He told me he wants to change and go to counseling and church and that he's going to show me that he can change. He tells me he still loves me and will always love me and that he's so sorry for everything he's done and he takes full responsibility. He tells me that he feels I didn't give him a chance to change. Yes, he actually said that!!! I'm glad he's realized his mistakes but I'm afraid it's a little too late for us.
So my question is this: Even if someone manages to change through hard work, is it even possible to work things out after everything that's happened? In my case, my family never wants to see him again. They have been there for me through all of it and they would be devastated to see me go back. I am very close to my family and I would not want to have to choose. I also still have a lot of hurt inside me that I don't even know if I will ever get over. I can't even look at him the same. And of course, there is also the issue that I am currently seeing someone who I care about very much and really like.
I don't know the answer to your question about whether people can change. But an old saying comes to mind: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Congratulations on getting the divorce finalized, and best of luck with your new life.
I would feel there were so many things he did, that I couldn't live with him or the wondering when the other shoe was going to fall again. I don't believe for one second he has any intention of changing.
Just because he says he is going to change means nothing. It is actions not words that you look for.
He says he wants to change????? It will take years of hard work, has he started yet??? If not, why not if he is serious about changing??? He actually expects you to take him back, then he will work on himself??? That's as unbelievable as oceanfront property in Arizona.
Please forget this person who only thinks of what he wants and what makes him happy. It should be no contest between him and your family. They care about YOU, he does NOT.
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Interesting that he had two women after you and it didn't work out either - so what is his issue? Who knows. Only you know what's best for you but if it was me and I am already seeing other people and have gotten through the worst - divorce was finalized and all? - heck no! - not going backwards.
Good luck.
Where you are already seeing someone, I think that makes it even more difficult to decide what you want. The damage has been done, it would take a lot for your ex to give you what he should have done while married. People do change but you also need to look at their history. Good luck, just when you think you're doing ok, here comes another dilemma!!!
In the meantime focus on selfcare and taking care of your precious child. Good luck.
11Christmases, yup! I was shocked too and told him the same thing. He still says I'm the one who gave up on him too soon. I waited 2 years for him to change! I even warned him that if he continued choose his friends that I would leave and he still did. And that old saying definitely does come to mind. He definitely fooled me at least twice with the affair.
Yup, yougospam. I was doing good and then he comes telling me all kinds of stuff because he's in pain now and he tries to make me feel sorry for him.
And milliejay, I know what you mean. I do have love for my ex, but I am not in love with him anymore. He killed that romantic love. I actually cannot even picture myself being intimate with him anymore after knowing what he did. I do want him to be a better man, even if he's not with me. I also do not want to go backwards after making so much progress.
to be a deceitful cheater over a period of time shows major character issues at the core, fixing character is more of a transformation, possible yes, probable???
going from a deliberate betrayer to a person of trust that is a huge leap,
what about your changes, the fallout form betrayal leaves change on the betrayed, can you reset and trust him?
i don't know if I'll ever trust anyone like i trusted my spouse,
Having said all that..if you do try to work on it ..that is your choice and yours alone. Your family..while they may not understand it..hopefully will accept your decision.
If you aren't still in love with him, then why bother?
flteach, it sure does seem that way! It really didn't hit him until he found out I was seeing someone else. Though it was his original idea to start seeing other people when we separated. I agreed but told him that it could have consequences. I'm sure he regrets saying that now lol.