Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Would you consider taking your ex back if he/she came back as a changed person?
The reason I ask is because my ex (yes, we're divorced now) has been wanting me to give him another chance. He wants to show me that he can change. I know he is truly remorseful for what he did/said to me. This includes cheating on me with a girl for two years on an off (I found out later), staying out very late with his buddies to go to bars and coming home drunk, pawning our wedding rings, and eventually telling me he was unhappy and did not love me anymore. He didn't leave me though. I left him because I was tired of supporting him financially while he went out and had a good ole time and disrespected me. We had gone through counseling several months before I left and nothing really changed. Even after I left he said he wanted to see other people, mainly because he wanted to be with the OW. I said fine since that's what he wanted and I was done anyway. He began seeing the OW and I eventually started dating after several months and met someone. Things didn't work out with the OW and then when he realized I was dating someone else he was hurt/jealous. He apologized for all the hurt he caused me but I told him I could not forget the past and that things would never be the same again. He began seeing someone else after and even moved in with her, but that didn't work out either. When the final divorce date came he took it really hard. He realized he was all alone and that he had lost a good woman and his family he broke down. (We have a 6 year old daughter.) He told me he wants to change and go to counseling and church and that he's going to show me that he can change. He tells me he still loves me and will always love me and that he's so sorry for everything he's done and he takes full responsibility. He tells me that he feels I didn't give him a chance to change. Yes, he actually said that!!! I'm glad he's realized his mistakes but I'm afraid it's a little too late for us.
So my question is this: Even if someone manages to change through hard work, is it even possible to work things out after everything that's happened? In my case, my family never wants to see him again. They have been there for me through all of it and they would be devastated to see me go back. I am very close to my family and I would not want to have to choose. I also still have a lot of hurt inside me that I don't even know if I will ever get over. I can't even look at him the same. And of course, there is also the issue that I am currently seeing someone who I care about very much and really like.
The reason I ask is because my ex (yes, we're divorced now) has been wanting me to give him another chance. He wants to show me that he can change. I know he is truly remorseful for what he did/said to me. This includes cheating on me with a girl for two years on an off (I found out later), staying out very late with his buddies to go to bars and coming home drunk, pawning our wedding rings, and eventually telling me he was unhappy and did not love me anymore. He didn't leave me though. I left him because I was tired of supporting him financially while he went out and had a good ole time and disrespected me. We had gone through counseling several months before I left and nothing really changed. Even after I left he said he wanted to see other people, mainly because he wanted to be with the OW. I said fine since that's what he wanted and I was done anyway. He began seeing the OW and I eventually started dating after several months and met someone. Things didn't work out with the OW and then when he realized I was dating someone else he was hurt/jealous. He apologized for all the hurt he caused me but I told him I could not forget the past and that things would never be the same again. He began seeing someone else after and even moved in with her, but that didn't work out either. When the final divorce date came he took it really hard. He realized he was all alone and that he had lost a good woman and his family he broke down. (We have a 6 year old daughter.) He told me he wants to change and go to counseling and church and that he's going to show me that he can change. He tells me he still loves me and will always love me and that he's so sorry for everything he's done and he takes full responsibility. He tells me that he feels I didn't give him a chance to change. Yes, he actually said that!!! I'm glad he's realized his mistakes but I'm afraid it's a little too late for us.
So my question is this: Even if someone manages to change through hard work, is it even possible to work things out after everything that's happened? In my case, my family never wants to see him again. They have been there for me through all of it and they would be devastated to see me go back. I am very close to my family and I would not want to have to choose. I also still have a lot of hurt inside me that I don't even know if I will ever get over. I can't even look at him the same. And of course, there is also the issue that I am currently seeing someone who I care about very much and really like.
Dawn
Have you considered the fact he wants you back because he had it made with you? You financially supported him, put up with his behavior, and when it didn't work out with two other women, he wants back in? And yes, jealousy sounds like a huge factor (on his side).
Can people change? Definitely. But the very, very likely outcome is that he'll implement these changes until you give in, then he'll gradually sink back into that type of behavior. Think about it this way: Why now? Why not the millions of times before it came to you being forced to leave him? Even if he does magically do a 180, you will be saddled with resentment. Been there, done that, it sucks!
Kudos to you for getting out. The hard part is over! I would stay long gone, if I were in your position.
Mine? Sure, he could change, but I still wouldnt take him back again. I told him the last time I took him back that it would be the last time. No matter what he said or did, I would never ever trust him again. You know the fool me once, fool me twice saying?
Weakminded - It's interesting that you say he is looking for a savior. I think you are right. In our marriage he always needed me to help him. It was like he couldn't do things on his own. He wants me to be there with his on his journey of self improvement, but I just can't do that. I am on my own journey and this is something he has to figure out on his own.
Retrogirl - it took me about 3 months to start dating. I know it wasn't that long, but I was so done and determined to start a new life. I really didn't start to miss him and have doubts until about 6 months later. So my grieving process came later. It's not something you can escape, unfortunately. Yes, there were definitely times when I felt angry at him for being so stupid and messing everything up after being together for 15 years. I'm not angry anymore, just disappointed.
Sounds like your ex showed his true colors again. In a way, I'm glad it happened now instead of later after you may have taken him back. The pain would have been worse.
Sending healing hugs!!!
Ok I will admit I have not read through al the comments but I wanted to say I think the question you pose can be dangerous to you. Why dangerous....because if we spend to much time looking in the rear view mirror, we're going to miss the road in front of us. I hear people say thinks like, " I wish I never met the person" I would never entertain that thought because if I never met her I would not have my three kids and I could not image my life without them.
The would of, should of, could of, doesn't enter my thought process, when my marriage was coming to an end, I knew the only thing I could change for the better is me( and I'm a work in progress)
I hope you find peace...
S