Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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I've been lying to everyone

diemjs
diemjs
Truth is, I've been lying not just to you, on DS, but everyone I know in person.
See, the fact is, I haven't been on here too much. I check in now and then. Read some posts, and maybe comment. Even write in my journal most days. The reason for not being on here so much is because, Im slowly dying inside. I have been trying to convince myself that Im ok, and that this will all pass. I am so tired of complaining and whining. So, I pretend its not there.

Im so depressed and faking happiness everyday. I dont want to go back with the stbx, I really dont. I just dont know whats wrong with me. Im actually really ok with not being with him. I dont even miss him, or miss what was or should have been. I hated that life. I know I did the right thing by leaving him. So, why, after all this time do I feel this way?

I dont talk to anyone about this, except for one friend, who lives in TN. She convinced me to open up to you all here on DS.

Im just so tired. Emotionally and physically. I feel like a robot. Im so tired of everything. Honestly, I think about suicide, but KNOW I WOULD NEVER DO IT! I wouldnt want to leave my kids! NEVER! So, whats my options? I dont know and that depresses me. Lots of things depress me. Everything depresses me. I cant shake this funk. I hate it.

Thanks for letting me vent.
deleted_user
deleted_user
ah hon, now you get what i was saying for so long.. i kept faking it..but ya know what..i've come out on the other side you will too.
thats why i didnt journal..i knew i was lying from day one..i could lie to everyone else..but not to myself..but hon i made it..i really think i have..you will too!
deleted_user
deleted_user
just keep talking to your friend..shes a dear dear person..and talk to us/me..i get it and dammit i'll get you thru this!
MsBlank1
MsBlank1
I have felt the same way at times.I finally called my therapist and she said I was mourning.I said what the hell for? I left my stbx and never missed one second of our life together.I also didn't feel that way for 3 years...then all of a sudden...there it was.Even tho I wasn't happy in my marriage ever...I was still mourning.Feelings are funny things at times.Hang in there and keep talking with us(((hugs)))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sending you a big hug - I can understand how you feel - I've been on this ride for a year now - I dont' know whether I'm really that much further than I was a year ago - I don't cry as much - but the emotional and physical stress of this entire situation is overwhelming and continues to be. It's hard - I suppose we just continue doing what we can do - we get up each day and make it thru some way - we have our kids - and we are blessed because of that - I don't know how to get rid of the funk at all either - I try to stop talking to family about him - because they think I should be over it - it's just damn hard saying good bye to 21 years - everything has changed and honestly I don't know what to do next or how to do it - so I think if we were all honest - there are many of us who can identify with what you feel. Hang in there - I guess I just have to and we all have to believe that it will get better - it has to!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Have you talked to your Doc? You may need to start some meds (or change them if you're on them) to give yourself a hand up. You don't have to suffer.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel about the same way often. It's a funk that is hard to "shake". I hope that things get better. You deserve so much happiness and it's sad to see you and others (including myself) like this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
have you spoken with your doctor? maybe he or she could give you something to help with the feelings of worthlessness.
diemjs
diemjs
joan, no insurance. Doc is friend, so, if she can give me break, which she usually does, I'll consider it. Just trying to make it without. Guess not working:) LOL
deleted_user
deleted_user
"Fake it til ya make it" good advice, if your working towards making it..
If not, definitely ask for help... I hope you are seeing a therapist.. whether your acting on your suicidal thoughts or not, the fact that your having them is a red flag..

Im not an expert.. but Ive been feeling the same way.. so I "googled" the hell out of it..

One site even suggested a divorce or separation can be a traumatic experience.. so PTSD is definitely an option.. or .. depression could be a deeper issue.. the divorce may of triggered it, but there could be another reason is still there.. altho you dont want him back and you dont miss him.

and definitely dont think you have to put a show on for us... speaking for myself.. Im a freakin mess myself.. and without the support of the other people here.. Id of lost my mind a month ago.

((((hugs)))) It will be ok
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with Jo - talk to your doctor. Also, Bert just posted a thread "8 steps to becoming happy" - give it a look. At least it's a start.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand. I didn't miss him after I opened up my eyes and took those necessary steps to start a life. I bought a beautiful house on my own, got my children all under one roof again, have a great job and friends...but, I faked happiness hoping that it would manifest into reality. I stayed home all the time and watched tv and was no fun for my little one. This site is amazing and one person pulled me out from under the water. This person gave me the breath of life...and I was finally ready to stop pretending to forge being happy. I made a friend and then another and another and I started laughing until my face hurts. I realized that I was a funny lady...I forgot! Please hang in there and let's have a wonderful time! I'm Zandra and I want to hug you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
good god girl if i hadnt been faking it..do you think hes been gone for going onto close to 7 months..and i'm just starting day 17 of being happy???!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Are you in therapy? Or maybe taking meds (or adjusting them if you are already taking some)? You need to take care of YOU first. Don't worry about what you think that you should be...

On another note...I do understand. While I am not experiencing the same depression that you are going through, I still have bad days and reactions to my x. And trust me, I have no feelings for him whatsoever. He's a jerk and I'm so much better off without him. Yet there's this part of me that still carries this anger for what he's done and sadness for what I've (and my kids) have had to endure because of his selfishness. And I've been separated since Feb. 07 and divorced since Aug. 07.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just so you know you are aloud to be unhappy its ok to feel what your felling. Its also ok to feel good and be happy. It takes time and the bad feeling in the pit of you stomache will start to leave you alittle more each day.
LOVE YOU!!!
diemjs
diemjs
No lips, no therapy...was when this all started over a year ago! Was doing great, then, BAM! This past month, it all came flooding back.

I want to thank you all for responding. It really means a lot to me. More than you know.

And, NO! I do not really WANT to commit suicide. And NO! I WILL NOT commit suicide. Its just a passing thought, really. Shit, Im too scared to hurt myself:)