Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've been hanging out on cheaters anonymous but ambled on over here because I think I may be ready for the next step. But. . .
I guess some background helps. Married 29 years, 59 years old, two grown children out of the house. In business with wife, which is sole source of joint income, and she's the earner; I'm the back office.
We've had an eventful marriage. Lived all over the world (not military) but been settled back home in US for almost 15 years. We've been in marriage counseling on and off. I guess I can speak only for myself, and I would say it's an okay marriage. It's not abusive in the ways that ive read here or in ways that some marriages can be We have 30 years of shared experiences, challenges, terrifying monents, births, deaths, family drama -basically what I'd call a nornal marriage (thoughI gather that many marriages are far happier than mine). My friend (next para) says we sound more like co workers or roommates. She's probably right, though maybe a bit harsh. I'm happy enough, but not particularly happy. Sex life is zero.
I've been in an EA with a woman 25 years my junior. The EA side is all mine. She has a boyfriend, but she and I see each other regularly. We're best friends, but I want more. I am head over heels in love. I think it would be reciprocated if I weren't married. Maybe.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. She and another friend of mine (whom I've known for 40 years) tell me that I should probably stop seeing my friend and that my wife and I need to have "the talk."
There are more problems here than I care to admit. Regarding my young friend, I would like nothing more than to marry her. Maybe hats my fantasy life talking. But i have thought long and gard about this and i really believe i would like to live the rest of my life with her and her children. I'm not sure she has the same feeling. If she does, if I leave my wife I have nothing. No job. No income. Plus the mortgage and business debt don't dissolve with the marriage. If she doesn't and I leave, same problem. Plus I'm alone. Can we "separate in place"? Stay in the same house and same business for practical financial reasons but live increasingly separate lives? Or am i dreaming? It's not as if I'm irredeemably miserable. I'm lonely, and I miss the emotional and physical intimacy. But its not as if I want to start dating. I want one woman, who may or may not have me.
Needless to say, I'm conflicted. Do I lay my soul bare to my friend? I've stepped into this arena, and she was upset that I was trying to ruin her nascent relationship with the bf, presumably by complicating things for her. But she's complicating them on her own by seeing me in secret (at least my secret). Do my wife and I talk about the things that my therapist believes we are both feeling? To what end? When people here and on other groups talk about rededicating oneself to the marriage, I'm not sure that's what I want. I mean, really, it's not as if after 30 years we'lldiscover new wonderful things about each other.
I downloaded the book, too good to leave, to bad to stay. I'll read that, but, again, judging from the first few examples it's about people who are in demonstrably bad marriages. As an aside, the book is on my iPad, as is this website, and my friend's texts are on my phone. That's foolish, but deliberate. At least any discovery will bring everything out in the open - d-day in the lingo of the CA forum. Though the reality is that I feel increasingly compelled to be bold with my friend, see what happens, and then follow the paths that reveal themselves then. And when I say increasingly compelled, I mean in the next few weeks.
BTW, as for the title if the post, I never set out to fall in love with a younger woman. I never thought I'd be living essentially week to week at my age. And I thought I'd be happier. Well, at least I still have my pursuit of happiness to keep me occupied.
I guess some background helps. Married 29 years, 59 years old, two grown children out of the house. In business with wife, which is sole source of joint income, and she's the earner; I'm the back office.
We've had an eventful marriage. Lived all over the world (not military) but been settled back home in US for almost 15 years. We've been in marriage counseling on and off. I guess I can speak only for myself, and I would say it's an okay marriage. It's not abusive in the ways that ive read here or in ways that some marriages can be We have 30 years of shared experiences, challenges, terrifying monents, births, deaths, family drama -basically what I'd call a nornal marriage (thoughI gather that many marriages are far happier than mine). My friend (next para) says we sound more like co workers or roommates. She's probably right, though maybe a bit harsh. I'm happy enough, but not particularly happy. Sex life is zero.
I've been in an EA with a woman 25 years my junior. The EA side is all mine. She has a boyfriend, but she and I see each other regularly. We're best friends, but I want more. I am head over heels in love. I think it would be reciprocated if I weren't married. Maybe.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. She and another friend of mine (whom I've known for 40 years) tell me that I should probably stop seeing my friend and that my wife and I need to have "the talk."
There are more problems here than I care to admit. Regarding my young friend, I would like nothing more than to marry her. Maybe hats my fantasy life talking. But i have thought long and gard about this and i really believe i would like to live the rest of my life with her and her children. I'm not sure she has the same feeling. If she does, if I leave my wife I have nothing. No job. No income. Plus the mortgage and business debt don't dissolve with the marriage. If she doesn't and I leave, same problem. Plus I'm alone. Can we "separate in place"? Stay in the same house and same business for practical financial reasons but live increasingly separate lives? Or am i dreaming? It's not as if I'm irredeemably miserable. I'm lonely, and I miss the emotional and physical intimacy. But its not as if I want to start dating. I want one woman, who may or may not have me.
Needless to say, I'm conflicted. Do I lay my soul bare to my friend? I've stepped into this arena, and she was upset that I was trying to ruin her nascent relationship with the bf, presumably by complicating things for her. But she's complicating them on her own by seeing me in secret (at least my secret). Do my wife and I talk about the things that my therapist believes we are both feeling? To what end? When people here and on other groups talk about rededicating oneself to the marriage, I'm not sure that's what I want. I mean, really, it's not as if after 30 years we'lldiscover new wonderful things about each other.
I downloaded the book, too good to leave, to bad to stay. I'll read that, but, again, judging from the first few examples it's about people who are in demonstrably bad marriages. As an aside, the book is on my iPad, as is this website, and my friend's texts are on my phone. That's foolish, but deliberate. At least any discovery will bring everything out in the open - d-day in the lingo of the CA forum. Though the reality is that I feel increasingly compelled to be bold with my friend, see what happens, and then follow the paths that reveal themselves then. And when I say increasingly compelled, I mean in the next few weeks.
BTW, as for the title if the post, I never set out to fall in love with a younger woman. I never thought I'd be living essentially week to week at my age. And I thought I'd be happier. Well, at least I still have my pursuit of happiness to keep me occupied.
But, I don't think you are going to get much encouragement from anyone here to cheat on your wife or dump her for the other woman, especially when it sounds like the other woman may not even be interested.
It seems like you are searching for someone to tell you that leaving your wife is the right thing to do. I'm afraid it's not going to happen here. Most people that cheat on their spouse don't end up having a working relationship with the person in which they cheat. But what is certain is that they will definitely destroy their spouse's life in one of the worst types of ways. Plenty of people in this group will vouch for that.
If you really want to know if you need/want a divorce, then you need to cut ties with the other woman completely, give it some time, continue to see your therapist and a marriage counselor, and then make the decision. Don't let the over-amplified feelings of the emotional affair cloud your judgement.
I agree whole heartedly with millypoo, it sounds like your fishing for justification to cheat. Let me tell you, you won't get such support from me, I know what it feels like to have been cheated on, 7 years ago I ended my marriage of 14 years because my ex-wife was seeing a guy on the side, during the last 4-5 months of our marriage.
Once I detected it, by some evidence collecting, it fricking floored me, every thought that one can imagine about being victimized by a cheater were felt. You don't know how much fire your playing with here. Your seeing someone, not even legit separated or divorced from your wife.
I wish you luck on choosing who to keep and who to cheat, hope it all pans out for you! :(
ASG, your point about playing with fire is taken. Even after time on these forums, that point is not yet fully absorbed.
you have 2 choices w regard to your marriage: stay in it and pour your heart and soul into it with your full attention. grass is greenest where you water it. if you think your marriage is stagnant but you are unwilling to put the work in, why on earth would you expect it to get better? and carrying on, on any level, with another woman, even if only in your mind, is wrong, it is an emotional affair, even if she doesnt reciprocate your feelings. if your marriage is "not good/not bad" and you choose to be indifferent and complacent about it, you might as well leave. it is selfish to "stay" but not put in all of the effort.
so if YOU don't want to take responsibility to leave the OW behind, work on your marriage, etc, then you should be man enough to leave. plain and simple. it is not right to treat your wife, or any person, as a place holder in your life - - you'd be willing to give her up IF you had the assurance that someone else is right there waiting to be in a committed relationship with you? it doesnt work that way. would you like someone to treat you this way? if you don't want to fix your marriage, leave.
Despair999 you need to comment to your marriage or you need to respect your wife and leave, it's not fair to her. Personally I think you have already checked out of the marriage and you need to man up and leave, the only reason why you are staying is for selfish reasons....not trying to be harsh but that's the way it reads to me.
Chances are if your wife found out about this, she would end the marriage right away. What are you thoughts on that happening? Does it make you worry or does the idea seem ok?
This OW is new and exciting. Chances are years down the road you may feel the same way for her as you are your wife today.
I wont give you my opinion either way, but I think sitting down and really truthfully answering your own questions you will get the answer.
Throw up a coin and decide. Ive heard that while the coin is in the air you already know which way it wants to land. That will be your answer.
First of all, the younger lady has used you more to chat with you about her exes, boyfriends, sexual encounters, etc, and now became serious with her new boyfriend - had this woman had any interest in you at the level that you desire, she would have pursued you and not share her fun times with other man - especially when she knows you are nuts about her. It is clear that this lady is not interested in you by what you have shared but I think she awakes in your desires that have been dormant and I can understand that. But my friend, you need a reality check. She's how old? 34? - you are 59? Sorry my friend but do yourself a favor and stop day dreaming - even if this woman gave you the time of her day, you will not be a sexual match for her - I don't care how many blue pills you take. Is one thing to want sex and something different to go at it at the pace that a 34 year old woman will need it - if she accepts you, she'll have a side piece - naturally. You can't keep up with her. Sorry, that's how it goes in life, we have to pick on our own age or close at least.
With that being said - you need to continue therapy and try to find yourself. You are conflicted about your marriage and staying for the wrong reasons - if you don't want her wife, discuss a split, split the money and move on - what's so hard about that? That you will have a life with less income? - well, that would suck, wouldn't it - but what matters more to you? - Sounds like you want it all - you want to keep the wife, the biz, have the new young GF, etc - But let me share a secret with you - the young chic won't stick around b/c you are too old for her - and your wife? - if you are bored in the marriage what do you think she's getting out of it? Disney? - chances are she's bored as well but realizes that at her age she's past the point of trying to have exctetment to an unrealistic extend - however if I was her, I would divorce you and it sounds like she has money - I would use that money to get me a bf way younger than you and get all the phone that you are most likely not giving her.
Okay, sorry - I was bold. But I think you need to take a road trip and analyze your life a little.
By the way - please, if you are still suicidal (like the folks from CA said you were recently, or depressed, seek immediate help. We do not want to be blamed for adding any stress to whatever current state of mind you might be in. Depression and suicidal thoughts aren't anything to play with. Please make sure you seek professional help if you are having trouble coping with your life/situation.
Best wishes to you.
I disagree about your comment that you won't discover new things with your current wife in the future. Things change for the better as well you know, not always for the worse. What about retirement? Do you think this junior of 25 years fits into what your life will be like when you retire? How resentful would she likely become with her still working for 1/4 century while you're freeloading, or worse yet, your age starts to bring on ailments that she isn't going to want to nurse or watch you die.
You and your wife have built a life together, shared the hard times and the next decade or two just may be the best years you two have. I know in my case the hard stuff was behind us. The easy life was just around the corner when she decided she met her 'soulmate', (her words, not mine), and left me. She lasted 3 years with her soulmate, 29 with me, does that tell you anything?
I sit here now at 58, the divorce happened when we were both 49. I've got rather serious with four women since the divorce but it always boiled down to the same result. What's the point of starting to build a life with someone this late in life? Why meet all her relatives and partake of all her family stuff when there is so much of my family stuff to be involved in, (and vice versa). There are only so many days in a week and hours in a day. It just plain gets exhausting trying to accommodate TWO families activities especially when they are happening simultaneously.
I suggest you get to know your wife again but this time appreciate all she's done for you throughout life. You should have had a worse marriage prior to her, then maybe you would see her with different eyes. She's a gem, she's golden, she's YOU.
Hanging around with a younger woman who is opinionated on state of your marriage is a joke. Get a job that supports you and gives you confidence to leave . Your wife deserves respect. Your post has struck a nerve with me. Actually might be best if you cheated, your wife fins out and gets shut if you. Maybe she is like me, just putting up with you like some house ornament.
Hanging around with a younger woman who is opinionated on state of your marriage is a joke. Get a job that supports you and gives you confidence to leave . Your wife deserves respect. Your post has struck a nerve with me. Actually might be best if you cheated, your wife fins out and gets shut if you. Maybe she is like me, just putting up with you like some house ornament.
Thanks for your response. It hurt like hell when that 29 year marriage ended but as you stated some don't get to partake of such a thing period. I do find solace appreciating the years I did get to have and the children we brought into this world so in that sense I am blessed. I can't say I've come to a happy ending yet like we see in so many movies but I'm still kicking so there is still time to reach the joy I once knew again.
As Tracy McMillan said, "Everything works out in the end. if it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end."
Your answer is perfect and spot on.
Despair, you fell in love with someone who does not love you or she would have done something about it. You have this long marriage with your wife, and you are bored with her. You know the saying--Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Really???? I've heard that always doesn't always work out.
Unfortunately I can see that you will find out the really hard way that you are expecting someone else to make you happy instead of making yourself happy. Happiness comes from inside of ourselves. We make ourselves happy by helping people, doing things we enjoy and just by having a good attitude. You will be so sorry if you throw your marriage away instead of talking with your wife and seeing if you couldn't do some fun things together. You need to be thinking about all the things you have done together. If you aren't happy, then she probably hasn't been really happy herself---Well get going and do some things for that will make her smile. Think of her FOR A CHANGE instead of you.
You could have a good life and you are thinking about throwing it all away for absolutely nothing. You will end up with totally nothing, plus that other woman will leave you in a heartbeat.
I have seen people pursuing happiness their whole lives and died without ever finding it. They had everything and more than they ever dreamed they could have, but they were never satisfied.
No. She simply doesn't have the same feelings toward you. Do you all have sex? Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? Young women do not want to put up with that. Speaking from someone who was in her position once, it was simply a thrill for me to talk to an older guy. I enjoyed fulfilling someone's fantasy. But I had absolutely no interest in ever being with this older man for the rest of my life. I enjoyed making someone's fantasy come true.
"Do my wife and I talk about the things that my therapist believes we are both feeling? To what end? When people here and on other groups talk about rededicating oneself to the marriage, I'm not sure that's what I want. I mean, really, it's not as if after 30 years we'll discover new wonderful things about each other."
How do you know what's not going to happen? You didn't even try...
I've been in your position where I justified those things. You've been with the same person for a long time so things have gotten stagnant. This young woman is making you feel alive. She probably gives you an ego boost. But you have to stop letting your emotions cloud your judgment. Let me put it plainly, every woman I know ultimately wants a man to be her protector, her provider, especially southern women. You can't protect or provide. Face the reality that you have nothing to provide this young woman in the long run worthy enough for her to dump her boyfriend. And try to be the giver for once. Stop looking to receive in love. Go home and do something really special for your wife instead of looking for her to spark your world.