Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've been hanging out on cheaters anonymous but ambled on over here because I think I may be ready for the next step. But. . .
I guess some background helps. Married 29 years, 59 years old, two grown children out of the house. In business with wife, which is sole source of joint income, and she's the earner; I'm the back office.
We've had an eventful marriage. Lived all over the world (not military) but been settled back home in US for almost 15 years. We've been in marriage counseling on and off. I guess I can speak only for myself, and I would say it's an okay marriage. It's not abusive in the ways that ive read here or in ways that some marriages can be We have 30 years of shared experiences, challenges, terrifying monents, births, deaths, family drama -basically what I'd call a nornal marriage (thoughI gather that many marriages are far happier than mine). My friend (next para) says we sound more like co workers or roommates. She's probably right, though maybe a bit harsh. I'm happy enough, but not particularly happy. Sex life is zero.
I've been in an EA with a woman 25 years my junior. The EA side is all mine. She has a boyfriend, but she and I see each other regularly. We're best friends, but I want more. I am head over heels in love. I think it would be reciprocated if I weren't married. Maybe.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. She and another friend of mine (whom I've known for 40 years) tell me that I should probably stop seeing my friend and that my wife and I need to have "the talk."
There are more problems here than I care to admit. Regarding my young friend, I would like nothing more than to marry her. Maybe hats my fantasy life talking. But i have thought long and gard about this and i really believe i would like to live the rest of my life with her and her children. I'm not sure she has the same feeling. If she does, if I leave my wife I have nothing. No job. No income. Plus the mortgage and business debt don't dissolve with the marriage. If she doesn't and I leave, same problem. Plus I'm alone. Can we "separate in place"? Stay in the same house and same business for practical financial reasons but live increasingly separate lives? Or am i dreaming? It's not as if I'm irredeemably miserable. I'm lonely, and I miss the emotional and physical intimacy. But its not as if I want to start dating. I want one woman, who may or may not have me.
Needless to say, I'm conflicted. Do I lay my soul bare to my friend? I've stepped into this arena, and she was upset that I was trying to ruin her nascent relationship with the bf, presumably by complicating things for her. But she's complicating them on her own by seeing me in secret (at least my secret). Do my wife and I talk about the things that my therapist believes we are both feeling? To what end? When people here and on other groups talk about rededicating oneself to the marriage, I'm not sure that's what I want. I mean, really, it's not as if after 30 years we'lldiscover new wonderful things about each other.
I downloaded the book, too good to leave, to bad to stay. I'll read that, but, again, judging from the first few examples it's about people who are in demonstrably bad marriages. As an aside, the book is on my iPad, as is this website, and my friend's texts are on my phone. That's foolish, but deliberate. At least any discovery will bring everything out in the open - d-day in the lingo of the CA forum. Though the reality is that I feel increasingly compelled to be bold with my friend, see what happens, and then follow the paths that reveal themselves then. And when I say increasingly compelled, I mean in the next few weeks.
BTW, as for the title if the post, I never set out to fall in love with a younger woman. I never thought I'd be living essentially week to week at my age. And I thought I'd be happier. Well, at least I still have my pursuit of happiness to keep me occupied.
I guess some background helps. Married 29 years, 59 years old, two grown children out of the house. In business with wife, which is sole source of joint income, and she's the earner; I'm the back office.
We've had an eventful marriage. Lived all over the world (not military) but been settled back home in US for almost 15 years. We've been in marriage counseling on and off. I guess I can speak only for myself, and I would say it's an okay marriage. It's not abusive in the ways that ive read here or in ways that some marriages can be We have 30 years of shared experiences, challenges, terrifying monents, births, deaths, family drama -basically what I'd call a nornal marriage (thoughI gather that many marriages are far happier than mine). My friend (next para) says we sound more like co workers or roommates. She's probably right, though maybe a bit harsh. I'm happy enough, but not particularly happy. Sex life is zero.
I've been in an EA with a woman 25 years my junior. The EA side is all mine. She has a boyfriend, but she and I see each other regularly. We're best friends, but I want more. I am head over heels in love. I think it would be reciprocated if I weren't married. Maybe.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. She and another friend of mine (whom I've known for 40 years) tell me that I should probably stop seeing my friend and that my wife and I need to have "the talk."
There are more problems here than I care to admit. Regarding my young friend, I would like nothing more than to marry her. Maybe hats my fantasy life talking. But i have thought long and gard about this and i really believe i would like to live the rest of my life with her and her children. I'm not sure she has the same feeling. If she does, if I leave my wife I have nothing. No job. No income. Plus the mortgage and business debt don't dissolve with the marriage. If she doesn't and I leave, same problem. Plus I'm alone. Can we "separate in place"? Stay in the same house and same business for practical financial reasons but live increasingly separate lives? Or am i dreaming? It's not as if I'm irredeemably miserable. I'm lonely, and I miss the emotional and physical intimacy. But its not as if I want to start dating. I want one woman, who may or may not have me.
Needless to say, I'm conflicted. Do I lay my soul bare to my friend? I've stepped into this arena, and she was upset that I was trying to ruin her nascent relationship with the bf, presumably by complicating things for her. But she's complicating them on her own by seeing me in secret (at least my secret). Do my wife and I talk about the things that my therapist believes we are both feeling? To what end? When people here and on other groups talk about rededicating oneself to the marriage, I'm not sure that's what I want. I mean, really, it's not as if after 30 years we'lldiscover new wonderful things about each other.
I downloaded the book, too good to leave, to bad to stay. I'll read that, but, again, judging from the first few examples it's about people who are in demonstrably bad marriages. As an aside, the book is on my iPad, as is this website, and my friend's texts are on my phone. That's foolish, but deliberate. At least any discovery will bring everything out in the open - d-day in the lingo of the CA forum. Though the reality is that I feel increasingly compelled to be bold with my friend, see what happens, and then follow the paths that reveal themselves then. And when I say increasingly compelled, I mean in the next few weeks.
BTW, as for the title if the post, I never set out to fall in love with a younger woman. I never thought I'd be living essentially week to week at my age. And I thought I'd be happier. Well, at least I still have my pursuit of happiness to keep me occupied.
Where you stated, "I have seen people pursuing happiness their whole lives and died without ever finding it. They had everything and more than they ever dreamed they could have, but they were never satisfied"
I told my ex early on in the divorce she was insatiable. She somehow acted surprised. I don't think these people even really see it. She didn't work until all 3 kids were in school like she wanted. She quit a very high paying job to pursue being a realtor like she wanted, which eventually worked out but those first 4 years were tight. I sold MY dream home, (one I designed and built an addition to), to her parents in order to buy HER dream home. She always always always drove a nicer vehicle than I. I don't get what these people's brains are thinking when life is peaches and cream but yet they think it should STILL be better! She even sold her real estate business that she was broker/owner of to run off with a loser. She went from making 6 figures to 12 bucks an hour and lost the freedom she had owning her own business. I guess I was just another thing on the list. Things she wasn't satisfied with. It's sad, really sad when people have it so nice yet they think something different can be better.
I struggle to appreciate what I have now since what I do have is so much less than before but I know the importance of appreciation and how it affects a person's demeanor so I appreciate the food on the table, the roof over my head that keeps the weather at bay, the family I do have even though it's strained. The menial things that meant nothing when luxury was abundant truly are things to be appreciative of, but yet, there are still these fools that refuse to learn from other's mistakes and continue to always wanting what they don't have. It's sad, just plain sad.
She will probably never figure it out, either, just trying for the rest of her life for something else to make her happy.
I am so glad you have a good life now, instead of trying to live to make someone else happy. My husband died 11 years ago and for the past 11 years, I have been living for myself, instead of trying to make him happy every second of every day.(37 years) I will NEVER give up my freedom again. I have spoiled myself by doing what I want when I want, I even enjoy my own company!!!
My parents are very happy today after all those yrs the worst is over and they deserve to be happy for they stuck together thru it all and NEVER gave up !!!! Thats the key if u really love one cheating destroys ! so if u truely love one don't fool around because that will be the altimite destroyer of it all !
So Cheating is not the answer to no ones case and i read some here and let me tell u I am 37 am i going to get serious with a 59 yr old man sorry to hurt youre feelings but absoulutley not ! I don't agree with cheating at all and agree this rellly isint the place to get aproval for i was cheated on thats what brings me here. Do as u wish u are grown but do remember this KARMA is a bitch and it comes around don't cry here on this site if that happenes because u decide to leave youre wife for this younger women because i will be very straight up with u I would skip right over youre cries at that point ..... think about what Ive said
With that being said
The fact is, you don't HAVE to stay married. What is more, just because you separate or divorce doesn't mean that you can't maintain a decent relationship with your wife. For all you know, once you get through whatever it is you are now going through (mid life crises, fantasy, etc.) you might have a much better appreciation for what you gave up and THEN you and your wife can work on making things better.
But I don't think you should tie your departure to this younger woman. Leave your marriage because you aren't happy with the marriage, not so you can bet the farm on a long-shot. The only thing worse than a guy who leaves his wife for a younger woman is a guy who leaves his wife for a younger woman who doesn't actually want to be with him, so he winds up crawling home to his outraged family. Don't be that guy.