Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ok, Ill try to keep this as breif as possible, but its a long story.
Ive been married for 9 years this November. We met when we were 20, married by 25, two kids by 30. Things started going south right before I got pregnant with my second child in 2013. I wasnt happy, I expressed this to him often, but no changes were made on either end. beginnning of 2016, I end up having an affair which lasted a few months before I ended it. After the affair, I tried to work on things with my husband ( without confessing the affair) but I couldnt handle the guilt and him making an uninformed decision about staying with me.
This January, we decided to seperate after things not getting any better, but would sporatically try to "work on it". I decided in February it was time to come clean about the affair. He naturally freaks out and tells everyone in my family, his family, everyone at his work, and all 30 of our mutual friends. Then tells me he wants to stay together and work on it. I had mixed feelings about his reaction. I think I was hoping he would ask for a divorce, but he didnt. I was also really angry at him for not keeping our marital problems private. We agreed to seperate again after the confession and have been living seperatlly since and nesting with the kids (I stay with my sister half the week, he is with a friend on my days at the house). We tried counseling last year and beginning of this year with two seperate therapists, they both suggested divorce.
This is when it gets complicated ( if it wasnt enough already)
In April, a co-worker/friend whom I have been working with for 8 years tells me he is seperated from his wife and has had feelings for me for a very long time. He showed me letters he wrote me years ago, but put them away because neither of us were in a place to do anything about the feelings. I have always felt connected to him, but stayed away for multiple reasons. Anyway, we have been seeing each other for a few months at this point, and he wants to start a life with me. He's a smart man, we have a strong bond, a good bond, and he makes me very happy. Th relationship I have with him isnt filled with anxiety, or uncertianty, its just good. He makes me feel balanced. My husband also knows I am seeing someone else right now, but wants me to come back anyway, this also makes things difficult.
For some reason, I dont know if its guilt or fear, I am scared to move forward with this. I feel stuck in this limbo of not knowing what the right thing to do is. I want to just divorce and let my husband go, but I'm scared I might regret that. I'm also scared of not pursuing this other man whom makes me incredibly happy in a way I didnt know was possible.
Its a scary place to be and alot of emotions involved which I think has made things too cloudy to make a clear decision. I just need some advice.
It is not another persons job to make you happy, it is solely yours and, to make someone else responsible for it is responsibility shifting and, to blame someone for you feeling alternative to it is blame shifting. It is not another persons job to make you balanced, it is solely yours, again you are responsibility and blame shifting if you think otherwise.
It goes without saying that the affair has had the impact it would have been expected to (you rightfully feel guilty about it), at least you confessed to it, so well done you.
In order to be personally happy I would simply suggest this to you, never never never again in your life bad mouth yourself, you put yourself down for no reason whatsoever (even if one seemingly exists) and, you never again place negative tags on yourself such as, stupid, idiot or, foolish (we all make mistakes, it's when we repeat them over and over that tags maybe become warranted, but you wouldn't make repeated mistakes would you?). Your affair was a foolish thing to do, however, your emotions overcame you, a justifiable reason therefore.
In summing up, if the professionals say divorce then enough evidence has been provided to them to have reached such conclusion, personally I would be guided by.
I would resist the temptation to rush into another relationship, even though on the face of it (that is if you no longer love your husband) it's possible you are ready to, I would instead work on self-happiness first. If you are unhappy in your marriage, and counseling has failed to make a difference then divorce is the logical alternative (self-happiness may save your marriage though).
And just one tip for you to have learned a lesson by in this marriage, the moment things appear to go pear shaped, speak up, because left to their own devices things never get better unless nipped in the bud the moment they surface, that's right, by remaining tight lipped you have contributed to the demise of your happiness, a common mistake within relationships however.
I wish you all the best, you deserve happiness, make sure it is with self first and, always with self first. Self-happiness is liberating making it the best of all.
I would divorce him. IMO you will be doing him a favor. I'm not a big fan of cheating and the excuses that cheaters make. I do give you credit for confessing, however I think the damage done to your marriage is irreparable.
Your husband is surely hurting, and surely still has feelings for you. That's why he wants to fix things. But he's better off in the long run finding someone else who will value him and the relationship more. He's probably too hurt and crushed right now to want to take that step. You initiating the divorce will force it, and as mentioned I do think he will be better off for it.
You have clearly moved on. And while you feel scared and in limbo, I can pretty much guarantee your husband feels worse. In any case, good luck to both of you.
It will be better for yourself and your husband in the long term. I do not mean to attack you in any way but your husband deserves better than waiting on a woman who is already dating another man, and it seems that he just doesn't realize what he deserves. Aside from that, you say you've never felt this before, why would you want to go back to your husband? To share mediocre love? No you both deserve more than that.
Definitely work on self love.
I agree that I have some things I need to work on. But it's not black and white. It's hard to explain everything that has happened the past 13 years in a 4 paragraph post. I'm trying to do the right thing now by being honest with everyone in my life. Deciding what the right thing to do has been very difficult for me.
I'm not looking for sympathy or to justify my actions. I'm open minded to criticism and agree that my response to our marital issues was wrong and short sighted. However, what's done is done and I can't take it back. All I can do is make better decisions. I just want to be certain that I am doing that.
I 'm just having a hard time seeing myself happy with my husband. I don't want to wake up in 30 years and look back on my life regretting the opportunity to live a happier life by leaving now.
I guess my fear is that I leave him and regret THAT choice. I suppose there is no way to predict the future and I have to base my decision on my feelings in the present.
That has always been difficult for me to do.
One last thing, there is a difference between effort and enduring. Though it may be hard going day by day, enduring what you perceive to be suffering and hardship by not leaving, it is not the same as truly investing yourself in the marriage.
I pray you find a way to commit and invest yourself for true love.
" I think I was hoping he would ask for a divorce, but he didn’t. " you confessed not because you were sorry, but because you had finally decided that you no longer wanted him ( after finding somebody else ) and you were (sub)consciously trying to sabotage your marriage. Indirectly trying to divorce him by his own hand, it's easier to say that your husband divorced you than to say you left him for another man.
" I was also really angry at him for not keeping our marital problems private." By ' marital problems ' are referring to your ' sexual affair ' right ? ( rhetoric ). Shouldn't he be the one angry at you for not keeping your ' private parts ' private ( pun intended ).
You are ' monkey branching ' one man to another. You aren't in your 20's anymore, you are 30, divorced and with two kids : it gets harder after 30 for most women. Unless you are extremely attractive : the dating market isn't the same as you left it at 20.
Yes you can hook up, date, have relationships, but men after 30 are resistant to commitment : their decisions become rational and less emotional.
After being disposed of as your are doing to your husband, by women they loved and never thought would leave them, most man start seeing a woman for who she really is in character, despite how attractive she is : they no longer pedestalize women they like, they love and prioritize themselves more, their assets, they don't waste time in relationships where they have little to gain and much lose.
Hence the lamentation by women your age and above, " Where have all the good men gone ".
Dating in a city of sluts after divorce.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/944133
And I didn't confess because I met someone else. The relationship im currently in didn't blossom until months after my confession and separation. I was actually sorry and wanted him to make an informed decision about our marriage.
And yes, I understand it sounds contradicting for me to ask him to keep our problems private. But if he truly wanted to fix this and not just make me out to be a monstrous adulter, then why announce it to everyone he's ever met? I didn't say a word to a soul when I caught him in the emotional affair. You know why? Because I wanted the relationship to work at the time, and I was smart enough to know that the involvement of those around you complicates things.
And I hope you're right about men after 30 being more rational and less emotional. That's a reflection of their maturity. Their life experience has taught them something and they know what they want. And I'm almost 34, btw, not that it really matters. Im not worried about dating. If I do great, if i don't, great. I'm not a bad person. I know what I offer in a relationship. When I love, I love hard. I'm caring, supportive, fun, compromising and considerate. But those things need to be mutual for a relationship to work, and sometimes people make mistakes when they are at a loss for how to remedy that.
Even though I'm "seeing" someone, I'm realistic that it could crumble, but hopeful that it doesn't. Right now, I'm focusing on my kids and everything else will fall in place when it does.
Thank you for your insight, I'm always interested to hear the perspective of someone lookiing in.