Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ok, Ill try to keep this as breif as possible, but its a long story.
Ive been married for 9 years this November. We met when we were 20, married by 25, two kids by 30. Things started going south right before I got pregnant with my second child in 2013. I wasnt happy, I expressed this to him often, but no changes were made on either end. beginnning of 2016, I end up having an affair which lasted a few months before I ended it. After the affair, I tried to work on things with my husband ( without confessing the affair) but I couldnt handle the guilt and him making an uninformed decision about staying with me.
This January, we decided to seperate after things not getting any better, but would sporatically try to "work on it". I decided in February it was time to come clean about the affair. He naturally freaks out and tells everyone in my family, his family, everyone at his work, and all 30 of our mutual friends. Then tells me he wants to stay together and work on it. I had mixed feelings about his reaction. I think I was hoping he would ask for a divorce, but he didnt. I was also really angry at him for not keeping our marital problems private. We agreed to seperate again after the confession and have been living seperatlly since and nesting with the kids (I stay with my sister half the week, he is with a friend on my days at the house). We tried counseling last year and beginning of this year with two seperate therapists, they both suggested divorce.
This is when it gets complicated ( if it wasnt enough already)
In April, a co-worker/friend whom I have been working with for 8 years tells me he is seperated from his wife and has had feelings for me for a very long time. He showed me letters he wrote me years ago, but put them away because neither of us were in a place to do anything about the feelings. I have always felt connected to him, but stayed away for multiple reasons. Anyway, we have been seeing each other for a few months at this point, and he wants to start a life with me. He's a smart man, we have a strong bond, a good bond, and he makes me very happy. Th relationship I have with him isnt filled with anxiety, or uncertianty, its just good. He makes me feel balanced. My husband also knows I am seeing someone else right now, but wants me to come back anyway, this also makes things difficult.
For some reason, I dont know if its guilt or fear, I am scared to move forward with this. I feel stuck in this limbo of not knowing what the right thing to do is. I want to just divorce and let my husband go, but I'm scared I might regret that. I'm also scared of not pursuing this other man whom makes me incredibly happy in a way I didnt know was possible.
Its a scary place to be and alot of emotions involved which I think has made things too cloudy to make a clear decision. I just need some advice.
" he was offered a lateral move at work which involved significant travel. I asked him not to take the job because I needed him around. He said he "knew what was best for our family" and too the job anyway. "
My goodness ! You complaining about your husband being the head and leader of the family. He was concerned about being able to provide better for his family given the rare opportunity : are you implying that his taking the job meant he didn't care about your ' postpartum depression ' ? He made the rational choice as the husband while also taking the into consideration your emotion side as the wife.
His dicision wasn't an act of neglect,it was selfless and a sacrifice to better takecare and provide for his family. unless he spends all his money on himself.
When there is a disagrement like this, you the wife has to submit to your husbands leadership. He isn't the one who submits to you when there is a disagrement.
Infact wives who end up making important decision and leading the family quickly become recentful and disrespectful of their husbands. Was reading this article a week ago "Women who try to be the leaders in their marriage are very likely to be unhappy as a result"
" Never complimented me unless it was about how I looked. " You are saying your husband did compliment you on how beautiful you are as a woman, but unfortunately not on other things,but complimenting you he did ! The most complaint I get is women get no compliments at all from hubby,but you get them, but just on appearance and not on ' other things ' ! And based on that he ". . .contributed to our marital problems, not the affair. "
" him attempting to manipulate me using guilt " Manipulating you using guilt is wrong, but the statement also implies you did (bad) things worthy of feeling guiltly.
Women usually get involved in emotional affairs that may get physical. Men usually get involved in physical affairs that may get emotional. Why was hubby seeking out the emotional not the physical from the other woman? Anyway, PA is by far much worse than a EA.
Your husband has done nothing worthy of divorce and you know it, go back to your husband. Go work it out, he is willing. Divorce isn't worth it, atleast for your kids sake, there isn't any reason for you to disrupt your family like that : divorce is much worse for the kids. Don't go on with this frivolous divorce.
If you are going to divorce don't base it in anyway on the other guy you are dating now. Pretend you are leaving your husband just to be alone and there wasn't anybody else : that is one of the reason for a separation, to reflect on your marriage not to hop to another guy.
You will probably regret it later, but then it would be to late to go back to how things were. You are going through a mid life crisis, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If I was advicing your husband, I would be telling him run and not walk from this marriage and to never look back. He is still young and can find a younger woman who won't cheat on him, or recent his compliments or sleep with another man while separated and still working on the marriage. As an older man he is now more attractive to women in their 20's than he was when he was in his 20's.
I had my lawyer submit my complaint for divorce, which is a big step. I hope this gives him some clarity and closure so he can start moving on.
Jamess - You are so RIGHT! I should have been a good pretty little submissive wife and stayed quietly in the kitchen where I belong ::eye roll::
"while also taking the into consideration your emotion side as the wife." Wrong. He did not take into consideration my emotional side. Not about this, and not about many things during the course of the relationship. Was he a bad man? No. Did he probably think he was doing the right thing? Yeah. But the fact still remains that our relationship fell apart, not only by fault of me. Him taking that job was just another symbol of how little he valued my opinions in our relationship. He very much had a "I'm right you're wrong" attitude about literally EVERYTHING.
You're also telling me that I deserved manipulation because I was "bad", and that his emotional affair is excusable because I was not there to provide him with adequate emotional support? But mine is inexcusable? ::another eye roll::
I hope my husband does find happiness. He was not a bad man, I was not a bad woman. We both made mistakes in this marriage and sometimes people fall out of love and it cant be repaired.
I support the decision to make a decision, end the limbo. My ex kept the marriage in limbo for an entire year after I "asked" for a divorce. I didn't realize that his unresponsiveness meant that he couldn't care less about the marriage. My bad, my blinders.
There is no perfect decision, we just have to bite the bullet, make a choice, live with the choice, and make the best of it that we can.