So, I kicked my husband out of the house in March.  We've been married for 12 years and together for 15.  He is a sex addict who has done some absolutely mortifying things.  It's all just completel insanity.  I don't know how to process that he has become totally unrecognizable to me.  I miss my friend... But I don't miss this guy that I'm currently married to.  They are not the same person.  

I keep increasing my work hours to keep myself busy. I hate having time to think about how deeply he has damaged me.  It makes me feel as if I will never, ever, trust, love or be loved, ever again.  

He's made no effort to be kind to me, to apologize or to make amends in any way. By all appearances, he is enjoying being "single" and coddled by his family because "he's working so hard to heal" -  it's so F-ed up. He betrayed his marriage, he betrayed me and he's feeding off the compassion and using his "addiction" as an excuse, a crutch and garnering sympathy. My head is going to explode.   

Anyway: on Thursday we had a discussion, it became clear that he has no intention of trying to fix anything. Im done.  It's all just done. 

I told him him to brace himself because he is about to enter into a very contentious divorce and he can't afford it.  Which is true. After four months of no effort from him, why in the world wouldn't I be enraged and respond accordingly.  He has been (even by his own admission) an absolute jerk. 

Four months into being separated, 2 marriage counseling sessions and he's running scared and doesn't want to face up to all that he has done.  I'm married to a gigantic, spineless baby. 

I have spoken to a couple of lawyers. It looks like I'm going to need to file papers ASAP in order to prevent him from making any big financial decisions (like turning in the vehicle we lease - only in his name - but only I drive it, he has a company vehicle) - The house we have lived in since 2002 is his mothers house.  She and I are close and she's not happy about the things he's done - but let's face it, blood is thicker than water. If she chooses to evict me, I have 90 days to gather the money to find a home. 

I feel so screwed over and so incredibly anxious that it's difficult for me to function.  I feel like I'm walking out of a burning structure, all shellshocked and scorched.. While he's running behind me pouring gasoline behind my feet. 

I will NEVER understand how he is able to sleep at night. He's going through addiction counseling, doing a 12 step program in order to address the "sickness" that caused him to do the things he did (think: amateur pornstar online.  Photos of his dick everywhere, sending videos of himself nasturbating to somewhere between 12 and 20 different women online, obsessing over pornography etc etc etc.) - in the beginning it was all tears and him being mortified about what he's done... And now he won't even be polite to me, nevermind try to make apologies.  I have absolutely no idea where his moral compass is.  

I feel like I'm married to a monster.  5 months ago, I though he was a good man with some issues... Now? Now he's a monster. 

I am so scared of everything right now. Of him, of this process, am I going to be without a home or vehicle? I'm just terrified.