Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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tailspin916 02/13/2015

She wants a separation, she will move out as soon as she can afford to, she wants to be amicable while she's still here for the kids' sake. She's no longer in love....

If that's the case, why is she still buying stuff to decorate the house? Why did she redo our youngest daughter's bedroom? Why did she buy me candy? Why did she offer to cook me dinner? Why does she keep texting me as if everything was fine? Why does she tell me about her day? Why does she tell me where she's going when running errands?

THEN she goes out with "friends" but I don't dare ask her where she's going as she needs space and doesn't need to answer to anyone. I'm even afraid to ask her what her plans are for Valentine's Day. Will she stay home or will she be going out? If out, with whom?

She doesn't want to go out to dinner with me, not even as a family. BUT is willing to stay home and watch a Netflix movie with me while the kids are at friends' homes for sleepovers.

I've surrendered to the fact, as painful as it is, that our marriage is over and she will move out as soon as possible. But these things that she does give me hope.... As soon as I start feeling hopeful, I snap myself out of it and just keep telling myself, "Give it up, your marriage is done!"

Then I think, "Well, is it really?" I just confirmed that I'm a total mess.

onmymind2000 02/13/2015

I would be confused too in those circumstances.

What is with this "have your cake and eat it too" attitude some of these people have? My ex is the same way I am realizing.

I can't go through life trampling on other people's feelings like that. I don't know how and why they are like that.

serenityspeaks 02/13/2015

Oh I get so confused too in my situation.

But in your defense you have a right to be...have you ever brought up asking what this is about? Mine cant figure out what he wants...oh yes he wants it to work with no effort!

KeithC 02/14/2015

Been there done that. I was with my girlfriend for 5 years. She would break up with me and say she didn't want to be in a relationship and then a week later she would text and say something like "For lack of a better icebreaker how are you doing. I'll leave it up to you but if you would like to get together for dinner let me know." Of course I would always give in eventually because i couldn't live without her and then we would end up back together for a few months. Before she broke up with me in August for good she texted me this on a Monday
"I am planning a trip for us for your birthday, how does Fri, Sat, Sun sound." Then when I hadn't heard from her by thursday I texted her and told her I didn't know what was going on since she wasn't talking to me and she sent a text saying she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I never got the text but the following Monday I did get the text that said, "You can come get your things, let me know if your in town." Go figure...............

murphytoronto 02/14/2015

My wife did the same thing Tailspin

and left anyway

Those head games just prolonged the hurt

ChiTownBear 02/14/2015

As I read yours, I could have sworn I replied to it. Then thinking, I believe there are a few threads, from other members exactly with a similar situation. Which is not surprising, but dis-heartening.

All I can say is, Im sorry. I know it sucks and hurts.

All you can do is find your way through each day and moment so to get to the next.

Giselle123 02/14/2015

I think when a person thinks about leaving for a long time before they voice it. So when they finally do, it's like a big weight off their shoulders and they are in a state of happiness. They expect you to go along happily with them now that they are honest with you.
Instead of the reaction they want, we are dumb founded, in shock and so sad. Then to add insult to injury, they'll throw out a bone being nice to us. Trying to say "See, things are great. I'm being nice. This will be okay!" That makes it all the worse.
I've been where you all have been and I will tell you, most do this and it will not get better till it gets worse. Do not let yourself fall prey to this. This person is living for themselves now. You need to see this as a time to toughen up. Be courteous but business like. You need to start thinking about how you are going to get through the break up. Do not be there for this person whom you loved and treat you like your a pity case. This is where I think the 180 is very necessary. Read online chump lady. She really tells it like it is.
If you think there is a chance you will get back together and work things out the best thing you can do is show your partner that you are strong and not waiting around for them. Plus, it's healthy for you to show yourself too.

Giselle123 02/14/2015

I meant a person thinks about leaving a long time before they let you in on it. So they already went through the heartache.

refurb 02/14/2015

or they don't have a heart to ache

gem111 02/14/2015

I don't think I've seen to many men or women act this way. So far they seem to all have one thing in common.
They want to be in control of when they move out. Whether it's a money issue or something else. it does sure make it hard for the other person, YES, they are heartless.

kbbcoop77 02/14/2015

Giselle123 nailed it. My ex wife broke up with me March 2nd last year..after she told me she had been thinking about it for a couple years. She was happy as a clam later that night like a weight had been lifted, while I was in the bedroom processing what just happened. 24 years kaput. I spent far too many months with false hope. You really have to start looking after yourself now. She is not your friend. Hard to believe but her motives are all about herself now. Believe me I lived it. Won't make that mistake again..

gem111 02/14/2015

I bet anyone that is thinking about leaving for a couple of years is setting aside a little money for themselves also.
At least I know 1 person who did.

idontmakeherhapyenuf 02/14/2015

I feel your confusion and pain. My wife got an apartment but will be staying at our house until sometime in March. The day she put the deposit on the apartment, she cried she misses and needs me and encouraged what turned into wonderful lovemaking. We both cried at the end. She still needs the time away to figure things out.

Yesterday, she brought our two youngest sons to my work and we had a wonderful life changing. She even mentioned the possibility of a week vacation together as a family in March. That is when she wants to separate?

Today, Valentines Day, I went to help the kids buys flowers to give to their Mom. Even the dog had a balloon for her. I tried to be respectful of her space so wrote a card by hand, avoiding love and romance but telling her the great qualities she has. She cried and told me she had a headache and wanted to stay on bed all say.

I don't know what to do from one moment to the next. I love this woman deeply and it is obvious she cares for me. I want to have hope and support her through her difficult time but inside I am screaming for her. One day... no I hour at a time, I guess.

idontmakeherhapyenuf 02/14/2015

How does Autocorrect change lunch to life changing? LOL

tailspin916 02/14/2015

Ok, I gave her a V-day card just because. I was respectful of the boundaries and made sure I didn't cross any lines. She read the card and said thanks. I couldn't help myself so I just asked her point blank what the deal is about being nice and acting like all is ok. Her response was, "Nothing changed about the way I feel about the ending of our marriage. I'm being polite and amicable like I said we should until I move out. Sorry if you're getting the wrong impression, I just don't want us to be arguing or making things too uncomfortable while I'm still here. Plus the kids would hate seeing both of us giving each other the silent treatment. It would cause them more stress than they're already going through."
Well, I guess if you ask, be ready for the answer, huh? At least now I know.

idontmakeherhapyenuf 02/14/2015

I have to believe there are feelings for you in her. She just can't admit them to you, in fear you would respond, nor can she truly admit them to herself at this stage because it would unravel everything she has worked to convince herself this is the right decision. I think the best you can do is show the best you are. Any resentment, bitterness, anger, depression, desperation, etc will only serve to validate her decision in her mind. Of course, it is completely up to you, and despite my words I totally understand the need for peace in your heart. Today (Valentines Day) absolutely and completely sucks pig vomit. Maybe tomorrow will be easier, somehow.

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