Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
His response to my email.
here you go.I had to respond after giving lots of thought to what you said.Yes it`s good in the beginning it always is but as it goes on. I should have a special feeling for you that never goes away.An that feeling was is that you are special ,sweet, pretty and so good to me how could I say no to you.But I did. You asked me to marry you one day. An I said no( I have to ask you). Right then an their I knew that wasn`t the reason. An I should have been honest with you an said I didn`t feel it.You once said to me why won`t you marry me and I should of told you. But I never had the heart to tell you because you was so good to me.I think I was trying be optimistic an hope that the felling would come one day but the truth of the matter is you feel it in the very beginning.Do you remember the day I saw the prettiest ring an I sent u the picture of it .The reason why I never bought it was not that I didn`t love enough or I wanted u to loose weight it was because I just didn`t have the feeling enough to take that leap.I think you are a better looking girl than Nicole .But some how I have a feeling about her. Not to say I will marry her but it is possible.I think your better looking but their is a different feeling.An the Lord is my witness it`s not the devil`s work. That comes from the heart.An thats why it`s not all about looks.
Do you remember when I said to you.You have until 12/12/12 to fit in that dress well guess what I stuck to it .An yes you got pregnant so I gave you an extension till February.But I would have found another excuse if u lost the weight.You always said to me [you don`t want to marry me] an you was right I just never had the heart to tell you because you was so good me an I believed the Lord did send you to me. I always wanted it to work but I couldn`t get that doubt out of my head.It is hard to live without you but deep down inside I knew this day would come and you an I would hurt for from my decision. I tried for a long time to tell myself you was the one but somethiing deep in side would stop me an the biggest excuse I could come up with was( I`ve been hurt before) that was always my way out. An I should have never looked for a way out.But I always looked for a way out.An that was the problem I should never had looked for a way out.But because you was so good to me I couldn`t help but try to ge good back.I think that was the hardest part you was so good to me I couldn`t help it I had to be good back but I was just returning your kindness.I couldn`t help it. You did for me so much I could never repay you.An that`s why I will always love you.It`s just not that love to make the biggest leap of all.The Lord is watching over us and he knows I tried.An the devil did do his part but in the end it was all my fault.Because I should of never let it go so far.I was scared to break up with you. I didn`t want to loose a good thing.An that was selfish on my part I see that now.I will never forgive myself for being so selfish an putting us both threw this.
here you go.I had to respond after giving lots of thought to what you said.Yes it`s good in the beginning it always is but as it goes on. I should have a special feeling for you that never goes away.An that feeling was is that you are special ,sweet, pretty and so good to me how could I say no to you.But I did. You asked me to marry you one day. An I said no( I have to ask you). Right then an their I knew that wasn`t the reason. An I should have been honest with you an said I didn`t feel it.You once said to me why won`t you marry me and I should of told you. But I never had the heart to tell you because you was so good to me.I think I was trying be optimistic an hope that the felling would come one day but the truth of the matter is you feel it in the very beginning.Do you remember the day I saw the prettiest ring an I sent u the picture of it .The reason why I never bought it was not that I didn`t love enough or I wanted u to loose weight it was because I just didn`t have the feeling enough to take that leap.I think you are a better looking girl than Nicole .But some how I have a feeling about her. Not to say I will marry her but it is possible.I think your better looking but their is a different feeling.An the Lord is my witness it`s not the devil`s work. That comes from the heart.An thats why it`s not all about looks.
Do you remember when I said to you.You have until 12/12/12 to fit in that dress well guess what I stuck to it .An yes you got pregnant so I gave you an extension till February.But I would have found another excuse if u lost the weight.You always said to me [you don`t want to marry me] an you was right I just never had the heart to tell you because you was so good me an I believed the Lord did send you to me. I always wanted it to work but I couldn`t get that doubt out of my head.It is hard to live without you but deep down inside I knew this day would come and you an I would hurt for from my decision. I tried for a long time to tell myself you was the one but somethiing deep in side would stop me an the biggest excuse I could come up with was( I`ve been hurt before) that was always my way out. An I should have never looked for a way out.But I always looked for a way out.An that was the problem I should never had looked for a way out.But because you was so good to me I couldn`t help but try to ge good back.I think that was the hardest part you was so good to me I couldn`t help it I had to be good back but I was just returning your kindness.I couldn`t help it. You did for me so much I could never repay you.An that`s why I will always love you.It`s just not that love to make the biggest leap of all.The Lord is watching over us and he knows I tried.An the devil did do his part but in the end it was all my fault.Because I should of never let it go so far.I was scared to break up with you. I didn`t want to loose a good thing.An that was selfish on my part I see that now.I will never forgive myself for being so selfish an putting us both threw this.
But when he kept me on the string for 6 years and didn't love me AND DID CRUEL THINGS TO ME, that would light my ignition flames and I would be turning into the Incredible Hulk about now.
So really, why are jewelry, vacations, debt payment and cooking more worthy than your own self worth and self esteem?
Everyone has given a lot of great advice here, and not really much more I can add to it, other than I can tell you I understand, and to hang in there! We are all here to support you! You deserve much better than what he was giving you. Not only that, but dating is just that, dating. We are all going to have good and bad experiences...just have to learn not to have too many expectations I guess...even that is a hard thing to learn to do. But all in all, you can't give up just because of a few bad experiences, otherwise you will be selling yourself short and you will never know what may have been if you are not willing to give it a go!
What your "therapist" said interest me. She said that people fall in and out of love. I am one who believes that once you love someone you love them. There is no falling in love then you are not in love; then you love them; then wait, you dont love them. Thats ridiculous. I think sure, you can go through things that may cause ripples in the relationship, that may have you question things about the other person, the relationship and/or yourself. So yeh it takes work to be in a relationship, to keep the relationship healthy and growing, sire. But love? Real love doesnt fade or come and go. If you doubt your love for someone then I believe you do not really love love t hem.
I think too many people confuse a certain "spark" or feeling in the beginning for love when it is not. They base a lot of things in relation to the other person and / or relationship on those feelings fooling themselves that "its" love. Which leads to all kinds of mess in the end.
Im sorry
Janice - he might have sort of loved you (?), but from his email he KNEW he didn't love you enough --> he should have walked away six years ago, not used you for sex and company (and cooking, cleaning, etc). He wasn't truthful with you and should have let you go to find/be with someone who did love you.
I can only imagine what you're feeling and how much you must be hurting. And, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It's hard to believe that someone could live a lie for 6 years and when they decide to, they can just pick up and move on. I do agree with Fireserpent, that not having closure when the relationship ends seems to make it hard to move on. In my case, I think it would have set my mind at ease to hear why my ex was leaving and what ultimately caused the end of our relationship. I never really had a chance to say "goodbye". I think you owe that to someone you've been with for 6 years (my relationship also ended after 6 years). If they are trying to avoid causing us more pain by making a "clean break", they're wrong!
I hope that your therapy sessions are helpful and will provide some answers for you.... and maybe a different perspective as well. Please know that we care. (HUGS)
Now in my opinion, cheaters are also liars. Most liars continue to lie as cheaters will cheat again. I believe it to be an issue of power and self esteem. Not going to get too far into that because I will pass on my point. My point is that even in attempts to come clean, there is some kind of power play. If he was truthful at all, he is cruel and selfish and heartless. This man deserves nothing from you at all. No time, no talk, no text, no email, nothing. You may give him what you feel you have to but he deserves nothing. I have been cheated on by the two most important relationships I have had in my life and both had one thing in common. When they 'came clean' they both had said in one way or another that they never really loved me or had fallen out of love early in the relationship. Both were my wives. I am sorry but they were both lying to me because they were attempting to justify their actions in a way which would not make them out to be completely bad. If you do not love the person you are with right from the start, why commit to a monogamous relationship at $#@^$&*$ all!!! Sorry...got a little heated there. Perhaps not everyone who cheats is cruel, selfish, manipulative and psychotic. The observation I have made is that both of my experiences have shown me these type of people lie so much, they can't even be honest with themselves. No one deserves the cruel humiliation and hurt of being cheated on. I think reading that email over and over may give you a different perspective. It should boost you right into the anger zone and by rights, you need to be angry. That way you can move on...If this person was a good man, he would have talked to you about his true intentions and feelings and if he respected you, he would have broken it off before cheating. End of story...bottom line. Even if the relationship was in danger, love(but not the marrying kind) still holds respect for the other individual. I don't know the whole story and it is possible that you may have not been perfect but you do not deserve to be cheated on...no one does...ever!
God bless and buckets full of hugs...