Man, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I run through my situation over and over in my head and yes, I could have given more attention to his needs and what he wanted. But I also felt that he was not giving me what I needed or asked for 100% either. Thinking about it now, there are things that I could have or would have done but it is too late for me. This is a big blow, I am sure you are feeling confused, worried, whatever other million words that could be used. You need to decide what you really want. Talk to him. If you truly feel you did not give the 100% for your own reason, this may be a blessing in disguise even if it hurts so bad right now.

I feel alone. I can't tell my family. He really is a great guy. Had me believing wverythong was fine. He said I just stopped being a wife when I became a mom. Ignored him physically. Now his interes has gone on to a new girl and I feel like i've lost.

Get into therapy ASAP to help guide you. this kind of stuff is too much alone. Go to a divorce care.org group they help with the grieving and divorce process. Hugs

A lot comes with being a mom, he at that should understand because he is now a father. You were doing what you should do, taking loving care of your child. Did he not want children? He too, played a BIG part in making a child. I'm just so mindblown....yes attention to him is important but there were a lot worse things you could have done to make him stray. Did he do things to try and make you feel beautiful, was his effort there as well? Hang in there.

Find a comfortable place where you can cry and let it allll out. Repeat as necessary. If you have a trusted person you can talk to in person, consider going to them and having a conversation about what you are feeling. You can and will get through this however it plays out. Keep reaching out for support where you can.

He's a shit, cheating is a choice, he didn't choose to have an honest conversation with you, he instead decided to cheat and now he's going to blame shift his behavior onto you. Typical behavior...it's going to hurt but you need to keep yourself together and think about your financial future. Please visit the Chumplady site too for great insight on dealing with cheating spouses., this site and that one really helped me when my ex wife pulled this shit.

I agree with coop, he is a shit and is trying to shift the blame to you. Please don't accept the blame.
Head toward a lawyer and for a better life.
I wish you the best of luck.

I totally agree with kbbcoop77. Same situation happened to me 2 months ago so I am still feeling the emotions. But instead of talking with us and trying to work on the relationship, they took the easy way out for them and cheated. It made them feel better with no thought of what it would do to us. You need a support group. Find a friend or family member you can confide in to vent. And you need a therapist now. You keep thinking - what is wrong with me when it is what is wrong with them! A good person doesn't betray someone they have lived and loved with. He is selfish and only thinking about himself. No matter how you feel now about him being a good person, make sure you keep an eye on your finances and look out for you and the children. Don't think he will be fair just because you spent 20 years with him - you don't know what this other person is saying to him. You were the one that was faithful and deserve to keep your lifestyle for your children. Stay strong and keep writing.

Hello Blindsided,
Well, your situation is not so unique it seems. I have been married 23 years and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. I will not go into all the reasons you should believe what I am about to say, but believe me when I say its more than just my opinion. YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON YOU. Now, while the knife is cutting your heart and you have the energy of a snail, log on to every account you two share, do it now, and print out every statement for at least one year. You don't have to do anything else, but do it and do it fast. If you know how to access email, his, anything, get in there and print like your life depended on it. Clear your computer history when done. Take it and put it in a super good hiding place, and I mean good. You are protecting your future. If he comes back, fine.... but you must work fast. The window will close fast.

I could not believe my husband, in spite of all the things he had done, was a cheat. Well, he is. I mean what I am saying above...... you will regret it if you don't. Also, draw out a bit of money here and there.... and put it up!! not in an account.

My heart goes out to you..... but take advise from someone who is there..... protect yourself.

I am a man in a similar situation with my wife. We have been married 18 years. I am seeing a therapist, on this site and and crying and praying quite a bit. Take care of yourself!
I see my wife constantly texting someone every 10 minutes - she has become very secretive. I am feeling every emotion every minute. Try to get professional help, support like this and eat, drink and sleep even if you have to force yourself. HUGS

Hi Blindsided,

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this! I would start by stopping yourself from looking at the phone records. I know, easier said than done, but I don't imagine it's making you feel any better.

What I'm hearing is that you are blaming yourself, but it takes two to be involved in a successful relationship. You posted that he is a great guy, and I'm sure he he has some good qualities, but you also posted some things that don't quite fit with that.

He had you "believing everything was fine." If he was feeling this disconnected, he should have addressed those issues as they came up.

He told you that he didn't love you anymore and that you stopped being a wife when you became a mom, and that you ignored him physically. This does sound like blame-shifting. He may have felt that way, but again, he should have addressed this. It seems like he's quick to point the finger at you, but isn't taking accountability for his negative contributions. Like the fact that at the very least, he's having an emotional affair.

And please don't feel like you've lost - I understand where you're coming from with that completely. As I've been working with my therapist, I'm coming to find that this feeling of "losing" to this other person is just an internal feeling of inadequacy that I've been dealing with my whole life. For some reason, that makes me feel better. Weird, I know. But I think it gives him less power over my emotional state, and lets me know that it's something I can work. Kind of gives me some control back.

Keep in mind the feelings you're having are normal, and so many of us are experiencing the same thing. You are certainly not alone!

You may not want him back, but if you do, Check out Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program. Your husband has told you that he is attracted to someone else, which is difficult to hear, but many spouses aren't honest at all about their outside attractions (just read other posts in this group as evidence). I would not assume that his attraction is more than emotional, although it could be. An emotional affair can lure a person away just as strongly or can be even stronger than a physical affair. Only you know whether your heart wants to fight for him, but I would definitely recommend therapy to help yourself get through this painful time. Hugs.

My husband told me the same thing. I stopped paying attention to him and opened the door for his feelings for "her"
It hurts so much it's hard to breathe. I never imagined anything could come between us. We have been best friends for so long. I just want him back with every ounce of my being.

Think back to before the separation. What is your true feeling as to why you stopped paying attention to him. Were you just not interested, was there something else you were feeling? It's like the true way of a relationship, you don't know what you do or don't want until it's not there. It's a mind freak I think. I should have paid more attention in my marriage, and did not freak out about it until after he was gone. Now that I think back he did not make me feel special, I was not motivated to make the effort for him as I feel he did not for me. I was just panicking because I was alone and his physical presence was not there. Though I love him to death, it just was not meant to be. Hand in there xoxo