Hello,
I too have had the same type of relationship with my husband. I have left him and now rent a room. I can't say why people do the things that they do,but I know that something is wrong when someone can ignore the person they supposedly love. In the end I felt it not being worth to spend any more time in my relationship.
I'm finding that putting time and effort into something and not getting any if little back is no longer worth my time. I am wanting to be happy, even if it is just for me right now.
Life goes on every day and I refuse to put up with not being happy.
It is up to me to make changes to better my situation and my life. Put yourself first, you are your best friend.
I feel his treating you nice every so often is a form of manipulation and control. You have to decide to break the cycle because he will just continue to do what he knows.
I hope this was a bit helpful, just know that you are not alone. But know that you deserve better, love yourself and talk to family and friends.
Best of everything to you.

wow, what a controlling narcissist. He is what they call a classical one. Passive/aggressive behaviour. He found out that he has no one to control and abuse, now he wants you back to continue. You do not owe him anything. No contact is the way to go. Another thing, do not take anything from him. If his lips are moving, he is lying. Tell the kids that you do not want to go with him. Not now, not ever again. . You deserve so much better than that. Do not be pulled back in. When you see him, smile, turn around and walk away. As my late mother used to say. A wolf will lose his fur before he will lose his habit. Hugs and stay strong and safe. You can do it.

thank you so much for you comments.
You are so correct I am still allowing him to have control. he comes to my house any time he wants and does not even text to say he is coming. I just don't see it until it is pointed out to me.
thank you for your motivating comments and kindness.

cottontail. you are at the beginning of this horrible journey. It will take time and a lot of hard work to put yourself first. It usually takes about 1 year for every 4 years of a relationship to move on. It took me almost 5 years to realize wow, I am smart and |I can do this. And I did it. One day, you will find that you are smiling more, laughing more and crying less. You realize that you do not care what he thinks, does or want. You can do it. Again, learn to love and appreciate the smart, strong and vibrant woman you are. We are important, to ourselves. Take as much "me" time as you want and need. Gee, I am still doing it. and loving it too. Hugs

I agree with everyone here about him just manipulating you. If he had feelings, he would tell you. So try to forget about hoping he has feelings again. He doesn't. Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't want you to get your hopes up, as it just keeps you stuck and you won't move on with your life if you are believing there is any chance with him.

You need to establish your boundaries.

Sorry but he doesn't get to just come and go in YOUR house as he pleases!! Change the locks if you have to. Don't answer the door. If he hasn't called or texted to let you know he's coming. Don't let him in. Let him pound on the door, who cares. Inform him that in the future, he needs to let you know when he is coming over and you will then reply with whether that day/time works for YOU.

Change those locks. Set your boundaries. You will feel better, and stronger, when you start standing up for yourself. You can do this, good luck!

Thank you everyone. today he turned up with some mixed nuts for me. my feeling is that he is enjoying his freedom but seems to want to want to keep me holding on.
for example he told me not to tell a builder that we are separated and wants us to keep joint names on our car insurances. girlincalif is right, if he had feelings for me he would say.
i need to remember the cruel stuff he did to me. i think that the rose tinted glasses are on. also i am lonely so am grateful for any interaction from anyone. its a bit of a bad state of mind to be in.
thank you dear friends

A lot of husbands don't want to do the divorce only because it is expensive for him. He will have to pay you spousal support, child support, hand over half of his retirement account, you get the house... etc. etc. So, they delay it. They don't want to have to pay you the money.

He is keeping you at arm's length. You can take your power back by talking to a divorce attorney, at least for a consultation. Then you will have knowledge to decide if you want to file for the divorce. It will help you feel stronger. And you will make out financially, when you do file for divorce.

He can't have his cake and eat it, too. He is not respecting you. So, don't let him do that. You are stronger than you think. You do have a say in what happens to your life. Don't let him keep coming over whenever he wants to. I would have changed the locks and gotten a big huge guard dog for the front yard!

Switching off emotionally and withholding affection are very powerful tools of emotional control and manipulation. I know this too well as it's how I have been treated by my soon-to-be ex husband for years. It eats away at your self-esteem and identity and can make you feel reliant on the crumbs he throws you. It IS in my opinion a form of emotional abuse and he will not change unless he sees this in himself and does something about it. Please don't waste your time trying to understand his behaviour, focus on yourself. How he chose to treat you in the marriage was entirely his responsibility and not a reflection on you at all.

I imagine that doing seemingly nice things for you (meals, nuts), is a way of hooking you back into the dynamic he creates, where you then harbour false hope and he then has the power to reject you emotionally and cause you pain. Please don't stand for this anymore. I did for too long and it has taken so much from me. assert your boundaries. He needs to arrange to come over and knock at the door, not let himself in. Don't do joint things with him at the moment - in the future when you feel stronger, you might feel ok about this for the children's sake, but at the moment you need to protect your own feelings from him. See people who will help you connect with yourself again. Write down all the reasons you don't want to be with him anymore and all the things you want and deserve in any future relationship - keep these things in mind especially when you feel lonely or start to miss him. The grieving process is long but it will pass with time.
All the best

I lived with a covert narcissist for 8 years. Didn't realize it for years. First 18 months were great. He bought a house in Ga. where we moved from Ohio. Within a couple of months he was a different person, but I think the true person he is. He would get mad at me for the dumbest reasons. Like walking by a doorway that he was coming through and I didn't know it and of course it was my fault. He said I should make a noise when walking by. He argued with me for days that some guys at a new years eve party kissed me on the lips. I said that never happened, he insisted it did. Didn't realize at that time he had some mental issues going on. You can't argue with what they feel is reality. I got blamed for everything. It is still tough to get pass it all. I had to talk to a therapist, because a narcissist really messes with your head. Dr.Phi; is doing a pod cast now on them and me a lot.. If you want to listen to it, go to Phil in the blanks. There will be a series of 4. Good luck.