Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
2 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

I am an idiot.....

happywannab
happywannab
Ok I know I am but, now how do I fix it! I have divorced 2 years from my babies Daddy. 18 year marriage over 5 years before we let it go. My pain here was from the rebound fiance' not him. A month ago baby daddy lost his job and was homeless. Job loss was not his fault but, homeless at 46, HIS FAULT! He gets a dollar in his pocket and it is off to the bar or party! He cried to me. I looked at him like a damn stray dog. If you just let him go he will run into traffic and get run over! I didn't want him but I didn't want him to die! So I let him live in my guest room. Deal was he was to give me half of his unemployment check and work arounf=d the house for his room and board just until he got a job and on his feet.
He has a job now. Each payday he disappears for days. He has given me a total of $300.00 in 5 weeks and borrowed most of that back! He does nothing around the house. The other day when I came home he was laying his ass on my couch, eating my food, watch a damn pay per view movie! WTF I told him it doesn't mean, I pay and you view!!
I told him he has to go. He says, I'm trying, really I am. I know he thinks I am the weak woman he abused for 18 years. I am not!! He is not taking me seriously. I am afraid it is going to get ugly. My kids do not need to witness anymore of his temper. How do I get rid of him? He really has no where to go but that is not my problem! I am not his Momma! I wish I could just take him to the humane society and have him put down! I am not going to continue to support him, while he goes out and parties all his money away! Wow, how did I get myself into this, more importantly how do I get out of it??
deleted_user
deleted_user
Set up the boundaries and have him leave. Give him a date and make sure you enforce it. Hes mstaken kindness for weakness and now its taking a toll on your life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
And your enot an idiot. Youre a caring person.
Jenna7873
Jenna7873
ugh Happy - I'm so sorry you're in this position! It really sucks when people take advantage of someone else's kindness.

You'll have to check the laws in your area, but... you may actually have to go through the eviction process to get him out if he won't leave on his own.

I know where I live, if someone has been residing at said location for more than 30 days or something like that - with or without a formal agreement, if they won't leave when you ask them, you have to actually evict them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You gave him a chance, he blew it. End of story. Don't feel bad for making him leave. He made that choice for himself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Give him "short notice", like a few days or a week that he MUST be out by or you will have him removed as an "unwanted person" by the police. Of course don't word it that way, more like: "I'm so sorry this has happened to you but your presence is upsetting my schedule and my finances, it pains me to say so but it will be best for all concerned it you find other living arrangements by Wednesday".
happywannab
happywannab
Thanks Road (or is it Rod) I feel pretty dumb! I had him gone once and let the ass back in!
deleted_user
deleted_user
do you have anything in writing about his agreement to pay? if not try to get it in writing and make sure you state the consequencies of him not fulfilling his part of the agreement. If you do make sure you make receipts for everything. This is the legal way of doing things. Course if none of that works you may have to just try and go to the court house since you all are legally divorced and he is living under your roof and has been there with no written contract it is assumed a month to month tenancy and you could try to get him evicted that way. If nothing else it will tell him you are serious about things and will let him know you arent his momma. Now I didnt say this wont cause tension and possibly drama but as I see it it is either that or he just continues to mooch off ya
deleted_user
deleted_user
Are his parents still alive? Thats how I got rid of stbx, called his mommy and told her to come and get him
deleted_user
deleted_user
Give him a 24 hrs notice and change the locks. Do that in a day you are off work. So, you don't have surprises. Where he goes is not your problem, you can tell him not to worry since he seems to have many friends at the bar, it should be easy to find a place to stay. You are damn right, it is not your problem.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First of all you're not an Idiot, you're a sweet caring lady.

Happy, he's a big boy and needs to be treated like one. There's no easy way to do it. In my city you are required by law to give someone 2 weeks notice, can't just throw em out on the street. Do that for him, give him an eviction notice and tell him you'll get a restraining order on him if he doesn't leave willingly. Give him a set definite time period, give him time to get paid and then let him worry about it. It hurts to have to do that to someone, but sometimes they leave us no choice.

I know, I had to do it to my son once when he was threatening my stbx.
deleted_user
deleted_user
give him a set date to leave. if he doesn't pack his stuff, put it outside, and change the locks. we need to set boundries and stick to them to make ourselves stronger and not be doormats to people who are leeches. they have no respect for others as long as they get what they want, they don't care about anyone else but themselves.
deleted_user
deleted_user
p.s. your not an idiot, you have a heart.
happywannab
happywannab
Thank you all. Should I let him stay until Jan 1 and let him ride out Christmas in my home. I serious feel like I am putting a child out. It would be easier for me after Christmas, I think. I got him when he was 23 and I did everything the whole time we were together. He has NO SKILLS to survive. He told me it was like I raised a bear then threw it out in the woods to fen for itself. I laughed but it is true. He got his first checking account when I made him move out! He needs a new Momma! Where can I find a chick dumb enough to take him. He is cute. That is ALL he has going for him!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think it depends what state you are in. Here in PA if one gets mail at the residence, they are considered officially living there and then you have to go and swear out an eviction notice at the JP and give them 90 days to get out. After the 90 days if he isn't out, you can get the cops to come and evict him.

That's how it's done legally here.

And you are NOT an idiot. You obviously have a warm heart and gave the guy a break which he is now abusing unfortunately.

Good luck!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It seems like you are a really sweet and caring person for sure...I like slac's idea...change the locks asap...he'll figure it out, how to get by, THEY always do;)

Good luck!