We told our kids, we have a 7 and 9 year old too and a few more. It was heart breaking. I guess the simple version was mommy and daddy love you very much, but not each other. It actually makes me want to cry now thinking of it.

pain and anger really suck
you give no hint as to what p & a stem from

my situation was different from yours, i didn't choose divorce so i didn't
say a bullshit line to my kids

for kids the set of "mommy and daddy" dies in divorce
kids now have a mommy
kids now have a daddy
they'll never have "mommy and daddy"

if you are mommy, after awhile you can't say daddy without is ringing hollow, it will change to the reality of how you see him
"your father"
(vice versa if you are daddy)

so tell them the softest truth as they are young
don't bullshit them or yourself
divorce is a turd
don't sugar coat a turd

don't deceive yourself that you are doing it for them

Mine were teenagers so, they saw and understood more. Children are very perceptive and resilient, so be as positive as you can that although you two aren't together, you are always their parents and will always support them. In some cases, when the children aren't living the anger and animosity we have towards one another as adults, they can grow up stronger because they don't have to walk on eggshells at home.

At 7 and 9 I don't think they NEED to know "who's fault" it is. Good people don't ask the kids to play on team mom or team dad. They simply let the kids know that it's healthier for everyone involved that there are now two homes.

My mother was awful to my dad and we could see it.
I told my dad to divorce her. He didn't. I don't know if he stayed.for us, or that he believed a marriage should last a lifetime no matter what.
In the end, he had a lousy lifetime..all the time... and died miserably with conjestive heart failure with a wife that didn't care.
I am afraid I will end up like that too one day.
Most kids are very forgiving. Especially if they see the fights or arguements.
Talk to them....
L.

I am not doing this for them. I am doing this because I believe that life should be plentiful and I can't spend my life with a person who says it is okay to be unhappy, depressed and drinking every night. We don't make each other happy, but I am done trying. I have a daughter and don't want to set an example of this is how life look like for her.

well you have your reasons
(not a comment on validity either way)
and if he is not all in the marriage and family, why sugar coat that?

to me it makes no sense to portray a unified front for" the children"
the two parents are not unified about most things
i doubt that you will believe in each other about the kids

that does not mean to lay it out there on the kids
it does mean don't give them a facade

I will be telling the kids involved that I am the one wanting the divorce. That I need to go to get better. That my biological and her (my wife's) children will have a loving parent that will take care of them and make certain that they are happy, taken care of. It will be short and bitter. Sad. My wife insists that I do not tell them anything about me being unhappy with her or that my feelings have changed about her...she wants to remain wholly innocent in all of us. That's fine as long as I and my kids get away from it all. I'll have time to explain all of my feelings to my kids at another time.

I plan to have this talk a couple days before we go our separate ways. No real good time for it. But, I have been preparing my kids for the moment....it still won't be any less painful for them.

my ex and I decided it was best to tell our kids together (9 and 13 at the time) we just stated the truth.. we're getting a divorce.. I wanted to wait until we had more things figured out, like living arrangements, and visitation schedules.. but I was literally crying and in bed all the time (my ex hit me blindside by cheating), the kids started asking me seriously if I was ok.. if I was sick, or dying.. so we had to move the 'telling the kids' part up alot sooner then we'd have liked..

hindsight I know telling them together was the best, so each member of the family can ask questions and get answers from both of us.. I recommend having a plan for where you'll be living first if you can.. and a parenting plan 'idea' may help too.. I know my kids big concerns were 'where will I live??' 'when will I see my dad??'.. during our talk, I didn't have answers to those questions.. and the best I could say was, 'I promise no one is leaving this house until we have those questions answered..'..

it was one of the worst nights of my life.. alot of crying.. alot of hugging.. alot of broken hearts.. that still today are bleeding, but not nearly as heavily.. that conversation happened in my home about 10 months ago..

best of luck to you..

#8
that is the way my kids took and are taking it

so sad that vows to honor the marriage , the kids foundation, so oftem don't mean shit to one parent or both

Telling the kids was definitely the worst moment. My kids had no idea it was coming (nor did I 3 weeks earlier).

We talked to a therapist. We scripted it out. We followed all the "rules".
- We didn't blame anyone.
- Reassured them that we loved them and would do everything we could so they would see us both
- had the bones of our parenting plan
- knew where they were going to live etc.

But, where we were "blank" was around the reason. The "why" was an insipid - mommy and daddy decided we would be better apart. Problem was that my ex had decided to leave to be with OW. At the time, I was still devastated and in shock. I couldn't say it was a "mutual" decision. But didn't want to "blame" him.

We all (2 kids aged 9 and 7, myself, ex) cried forever (it seemed).

Later that day, my 7 year old said to me -
" The thing is Mommy, for something like this, you need a good reason. And you don't have one".

Shit, that just killed me.

I told both of them,
"You are right. There does need to be a good reason. I promise you, there is one. We would not be doing this if there were any other way. There is a good reason. But, it is between Mommy and Daddy. It is for grownups, not kids."

That absolutely made them feel better (for a time). I think they thought we had gone crazy and were doing it on a whim.

My oldest really was fixated on knowing the reason. I would not tell her because I was determined that my ex and I would have a civil relationship and I didn't want to harm the girls relationship with their father.

In the end, they figured it out (of course) because the OW was calling all the time etc.

I feel like I got the best of both worlds. I got to support the stability of my kids. I know they handled the separation better because I worked so hard to keep it civil. And, they figured out on their own that it was because my ex was a cowardly, cheating, shit.

We are a year out. Kids are doing well.

Ah, the why... Right now the plan is to make it sound like I'm mentally ill and need to get away to "heal." Trying to explain to my own two kids, 10 and 7, boy/girl, that I lost all confidence in their mother of less than a year b/c of her past issues/baggage bleeding into our present, etc. will be something I'll have to prepare to explain at a later date. During the break-up talk, I will be the bad guy. But, I am confident that my own two kids will best understand that I will be there for them as I had been before placing them into this failed relationship. Ugh...

strongandsilent,

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. STBX and I still need to come up with our parenting plan. He is hurt and mad so dumping everything on me, as I am the one who is asking for divorce. I will not have a good reason, either, to their eyes. And I am not sure things will be civilian after I move out. All I want to know is, that in the end, my kids will be okay.

#10
Validates, the don't blow smoke towards your kids, when their world is crumbling how is it better to deceive them?

They will need to count on your word the rest of their lives, why lead them to suspect that you will blow smoke "when necessary",


Kids deserve better than smoke

My kids two were 7 and 9. Their father came home one day and told me he didn't want to be a father or husband.

I was destroyed, but thankfully kids were away for 3 weeks at their grand parents.

I wanted to wait until they got back before we told them, I figured they deserved a fun couple of weeks.

I told their father that in the best interests of the children we were telling them together. We told them that we were divorcing, we didn't tell them why and surprisingly they didn't ask and never have.

Their first instinct was to jump to me, and hang on for dear life. We told them they would be staying in the house, and their dad was moving into an apartment a few minutes away.

We talked about how they had a room at his place.

They were upset but not like I thought they would be.

The 7 year old was full of questions, who was getting TV, what about this toy or that toy. We let them help decide who was getting what for many things. So who got what TV.

We spend about an hour talking and then they asked to go outside and play.

Their dad moved out an hour later, and they just waved goodbye as he left.

Many many more tears over next couple of weeks, I still remember thinking how much easier it was for them than me

I had been main parent , dad came home late and didn't do extra curricular stuff with them so it didn't seem like such a big change

The reactions your kids will have is unpredictable, so just go with their reaction. You dont need to give answers if they don't ask.

My husband was cheating with the baseball coaches wife, tell that wasn't awkward for the rest of the season. But kids never knew and I never told them.

For me, we are getting divorced . We want to live apart because we just aren't good friends anymore was the only reason they need

(((HUGS)))

everclear
(wonderful)

youtube it before you tell the kids everything is wonderful now




"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now