my values eventually bent like my spine while I was with him
and I eventually became insecure, jealous, self-doubting, confused
and I eventually became a people pleaser

(all the things my Mama raised her daughter to never be)

all of which I'm still making amends to myself for

and what I'm left with is
what feels a lot like a stone heart
and a smouldering hatred

I have grown, but I was a happy person when I was with him, and I am a happy person now.

It's not possible to go back to being the "old you" because will never be who you once were. Believe it or not we are not the same people. We learn, we grow and move forward.

I'm not divorced yet and it's only been 2 months since he left, but I do feel changes. I don't know if I can say HE changed me as a person, but perhaps the dynamic between us as a married couple and parents did. The one thing I am most aware of right now is that I am now a stronger person than he is. I think I became too dependent on him. I have now taken on basically our whole life by myself, and I am surviving. I believe now that he left, in part, because he couldn't handle it. I never before would have thought of myself as stronger than him. I always used to think to myself that I didn't know what I would do without him. Now I know.

I have evolved. If I would have stayed with him...I don't think I would be who I am today and TODAY, I finally look in the mirror and don't cringe.

I have a lot of the same issues, insecurities, etc...but I have learned to not take a thing for granted. My life has changed dramatically and I have realized that I no longer need all the things I thought I did. I have also realized who is going to support me through hard times and who isnt. I have realized that I am much stronger than I ever imagined and I am slowly but surely learning to get a backbone and stand up for myself.

My stbx was living in his own world and didn't care who he was hurting...because of him i turned out to be a person who can not trust and that kills me. I have been apart from him for the last couple of months and I have to say that I am not the old me and honestly i don't think that I will ever be that way ever again...I am a new version of me...stronger, wiser and more cautious...I know what I want and I am more aware of how to go about it. I am hurt and angry that I had to go through this crap with him but, things happen for a reason and I think that the reason was for me to become a stronger person...

I have more substance now. I now walk with my head help up right knowing that whatever it is... it will soon pass.

With him because he showed so much disrespect, I became disrespectful too, by invading his privacy and opening his emails. I hated myself for doing that because I know it was wrong. But I had to... it opened my eyes to who he really is.

Thank you all for your responses.

I don't think it's possible to not be affected by emotional abuse, especially if you are with the person for a long time. I just hope that the experience makes me a stronger person and I don't become someone who cannot trust a man at all.

Old me: walked on egg shells, took his verbal/emotional abuse and blamed myself for it, didn't have my own life and friends because he wanted me with him 24/7, worried about all the little things.

New me: none of the old stuff. I'm a much stronger, healthier, calmer, happier person. His second affair was a blessing in disguise--it gave me the courage to kick him out and take my life back. I don't ever want to go back to the old life.

Let's see...I think it's call living life....not just existing!!!!!

yea me!!!!!

I don't exactly think I can go back to the "old "life before knowing my ex. I was a child and very messed up. My ex turned me into a self doubting, confused, angry person. I hated myself but was afraid of standing up for myself for fear of being held down and choked....then blamed or "it never happened" which thru me into confusion and self doubt.....keeping me going in circles.
I'm now confident, funny, loveable with a positive attitude about everything. I stand up for myself without fear and doubt!!!! YAY Me!!!!
I've come a long way from where I've been :)

Over time I became a different version of "me" while we were together. I can't blame him for that though as it was my decision to adapt and change when I encountered his moods and his anger. Perhaps if I had confronted this we would have broke up years ago. Perhaps if I confronted this we would have had a communication break through and not ended up where we are now. I will never know. I chose to hide me and feel ashamed and embarrased of the "me" he didn't seem to understand. He never got that we grew up completely differently and there was nothing wrong with that. He never opened me up to the good things about his childhood that he enjoyed and wanted our kids to enjoy. He never looked at a difference in point of view as an opportunity to expand each of our horizons and perhaps create a new way of doing things that works for both of us. It was black or white. And I adapted. And I shrunk back and tried not to confront. My choices. Not his. All mine and I was wrong.
Since he left me for another woman I have taken a good hard look at these choices. I have forgiven myself for them and vowed to never do that again. My next relationship will be built on honesty or there won't be one. My friendships are already built that way. Honest. As gentle as possible but still honest. I am not going to hide who I am. I have had a lot of trials by fire and I have made a lot of poor choices in my life but they are why I am who I am today and I will not apologise or be ashamed about them. Yes, I have changed me since he left. His leaving was just the catalyst for this self re-discovery but it was me who faced myself and chose to grow from it.
Difficult question to answer but yes, I have definately changed and I am incredibly happy about it. Like childbirth it was incredibly painful but so worth it in the end. At least for me it was.

Deb - I have also experienced being blamed for his bad behaviors and the "it never happened" tactic.

He is very effective at rewriting the past. Sometimes, it sounds plausible and he says it with such absolute conviction that I start to doubt my own memories and perceptions. It creates a terrible sense of self doubt and confusion.

From JacJac: "It's not possible to go back to being the "old you" because will never be who you once were. Believe it or not we are not the same people. We learn, we grow and move forward."

This is how I feel. I got married really young (I was about to turn 22) and so during my marriage I basically was growing up. Trying to make her happy required me to do a lot of things that didn't come easily to me, and I've adopted some of those things into who I am. I'm keeping the things I like and forgetting the things I dislike.

So we really are always changing and becoming different. However, I feel so much more free to do what comes naturally to me now that we're getting divorced. Before I had to worry about how she would feel before I did almost anything (well, really it was how she would make me feel when she saw it). My friends and family have said it's like a cloud was lifted off of me and I'm more myself.