Two things... selfcare and try lots of things. Taking care of you is vital. Trying things gives u experiences to decide what u like and what u don't. With only ur opinion counting.
Gentle hugs. Good luck

meditation and clearing your mind. I have been alcohol and pot free and it is helping me make a decision on who I am and want to be moving forward. I think time to yourself helps and when I am not with my daughter I have tons of it. Best wishes.

Take an art class! :D

Thanks - just seems really hard to find a place to start! And I feel like I don't have a clue what I like to do in my free time.

It's weird - not sure if anyone else is like this too - but I think everyone around me thinks I have a lot of friends and probably think I am a very friendly person. But when it comes to gatherings, going out, etc...I am never invited. I think people just got used to me saying "no" for the last 22 years since my husband wasn't a very social person!

Oh well - I will figure it out. Onward!

You're bound to be lost for a spell since you just lost your map. My sister-in-law's father passed away a few months back and her mother, (they had been married for 46 years), told my SIL that she didn't know what to buy at the grocery store anymore. She'd walk the aisles aimlessly not knowing what to put into her cart because she always bought what her husband liked to eat. That is how ingrained we become. Creatures of habit we are so the trick is to develop new habits. Start simple, start slow, start basic, and before you know it you're on your way and you'll be saying, gee, why wasn't I doing this earlier?

Now, what are going to put into your grocery cart? It's all yours, whatever you want, nobody's looking, go ahead, grab one.

Hey! I'm 45 and headed toward divorce. I too have been tending to everyone's needs and been enmeshed in my family life for a long time and I find self-care confusing- you think you are already doing that- but you probably are so used to going with the flow that you don't even realize what makes you happy. My H has made me question my own sanity, my self esteem has plunged into the depths, and I didn't really get to make my own decisions for most of my marriage. I could do things like go visit a friend or my mom or go to pokeno with my girlfriends but he made anything I wanted to do difficult.
I'm a very creative person and so I've known since the beginning I have to be making something, creating something to be happy- gardening, art, crafts, sewing, organizing a room, decorating, reading, writing, being out in nature- but it's still hard even when you know what you like to do when emotionally and mentally you've been stuck and you don't always do what's best for you.
Take it slow, make a list of things you like to do, start small and do something. Take a yoga class, go for drives and find new cool places to get a bite to eat, find books you like, get a new journal to write in, take bubble baths, do your nails, go visit people, go to things that are happening in town- you don't have to be with someone all the time to have fun. Start wandering and you will end up somewhere finding what interests you.
There are people in you life who would like to go to dinner with you, or to a movie, or something. I don't have any close best friends either- I kept hiding in my depression, my duties at home, my exhaustion to just keep functioning and didn't put myself out there. Now it's time to gather some courage and try some new stuff.

I know exactly what you mean after 20 years with the stbx I I came out of it having no idea who I was anymore. I started working on myself right away just to get past the hurt and anger. I felt like I was doing great then I got distracted for a little bit and left therapy and stopped coming around DS. big mistake now its been 9 months since we officially split and I am just starting to work on me again. I have plenty of things I like to do but I just feel like I have no identity, and I am also codependent, and seriously lack self esteem right now. so I am working on self awareness and gaining some inner peace to help with the self esteem issue. I haven't yet but am trying to make some time to start meditating as cab720 suggested...
I feel like this is the right path for me oh I went back to therapy as well. good luck I hope you find some things you like to do but if not working on your own happiness is a good hobby....

I take a personality test andit tells me ;-) lol. It will get easier...hang in there :-)

Lots of good advice on this thread. I would like to add, try to remember what you liked to do before you met your STBX. I am finding that I haven't changed all that much since I was a teen (when I met him). I have more wisdom for sure, but the same personality inside. I kept up on a few hobbies the first few years of the marriage, but gave up most things once I had kids. Now I am getting back into biking the local trails around my home...something my STBX never wanted to do. It makes me happy to do something physical and get out into nature, with the added bonus that there are few to no memories I associate with him while I'm out there. Let me also mention checking out meetup.com. I have been to three meetups so far and they've all been good.

I know this sounds a lil wonky but... invite urself to things. If a "friend" is having a get together call and say hey room for one more? My fam and friends were sooo used to me saying no they stopped asking for the most part. The first week of seperation... I called my sister and said what are WE doing this weekend? Her friends were surprised that I actually came to their planned campout this year but the kids and I had a great time. My dad one day said "wow you've done more in the last two weeks than in years."

http://www.12stepforums.net/coda.html

Wow....it is so great to know I have so much support! Thanks everyone!!!

I know what you mean and I'm still figuring that all out. It takes time and patience. There are no short cuts but in a lot of ways it's very liberating. I got married when I was 20 years old and stayed that way for 27 years. I had lived for a couple of years on my own before I met my ex but that wasn't much time. It is empowering to do things on my own and every time I accomplish something that I would've needed help to do; I get a "lady boner".

It's hard I know but you'll get through it. I also joined a local "meet up" group. It's not for dating but for getting out and meeting new people who like to do similar things. Google it. I've met quite a few women my own age who I can go out with now. It's hard for those of us who used to be married because all of our friends do "married couple" things and we wind up being the odd man out.

It's pretty cool and I've met lots of cool people.

Sending hugs

http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

I'm reading a beautiful book right now called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.

It's all about this conundrum. Finding out who you are. Shutting off the destructive voices in your head. All that.

It's a strange read, but I'm finding it speaks to what I need right now.

Just my .02, join a gym and start getting in better shape. I lost 70lbs since my divorce started and I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life. Now as far as the dating scene goes, I am just not ready yet but I feel great.