First off I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through and your loss, your friends are right it does take time.

However for me, when I started losing respect for him and how he left, that's when I lost love.

i started making lists of everything that I loved about him and then other lists of things I didn't love and soon the list just got longer and longer and eventually I gained my self worth back and realized how can I love a person like this? It does take time but you will get there.

BTW my STBX left emotionally when I had an 8 month old and 4 year old so I know how hard it is to have young ones at home. It's a shame selfish people put their own needs above their children.

Good luck to you! Hugs!

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/mourning-theory/

rooting for you~~~

For me, it was about thinking about how he just seemed to care about himself, and not at all for me and my daughter....that made me realize that I was not in love with HIM, but rather the IDEA of him....or who he was when we started dating.

That said, it DOES take time. My husband has been mostly gone since Nov. 15....and i still have my days when I feel really bad about it. But he shows me over and over that he doesn't care about me....and I'm not interested in being with a guy who's not crazy about me....

My husband is similar to yours--angry, unhappy, etc., and he is a sex addict who told me about infidelity three years ago.

At first (and sometimes I still am) I was very upset that he left, but then I started looking at it as a gift from God. I may not have had the courage to leave, so God let it be out of my control and let my husband leave so that my life could get better, something that might not happen if I stay with him. Sorry you're hurting!

It's not going to happen over night kdMac. All I can tell you is in time it will happen. He sounds like a very selfish man and you will be better off in the long run. He is not doing right by your children never mind what he's done to you. The anger phase will kick in eventually and will make it easier in a way. Hopefully he will step up to the plate and at least be a father to his kids! I am sorry you are going through this.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. It seems it's more prevalent now days that ever before.

First of all a man just doesn't make a split second decision to walk out of his wife of 18 years. This has evidently been on his mind for some time.

Secondly, him living so close is going to make it very difficult for you to get him out of your head and out of your heart.

I would seek some personal counseling either from clergy or a marriage counselor. the Marriage counselor can give you some pointers on how to deal with the loss.

As a Pastor myself, I don't advocate divorce either, I believe the vows should be forever but, I am also a realist and know that things like this happen in life.

If he truly wants his freedom, then handle yourself strictly in a professional way. Set up boundaries as far as visitation is concerned and keep you relationship strictly platonic, Many husbands who leave, still want their cake and eat it too but, no other responsibility.

After a while, these feelings for him will diminish and moreso, if he finds another girlfriend, if he hasn't already.

Remember, I said, this was not just a split second decision.

My prayers are with you and your family.

God Bless

Could there be someone else on the scene? I think rarely do men leave a marriage simply because they had enough - it does happen, but I think it's more the exception than the rule.

When the ex came home from work one day and simply said (out of the blue) 'I need my space' and walked, I initially believed him until I decided to find out and find out I did. Sure enough his 'own space' took the form of another woman.

The reason I mention this is if you do find out there is someone else, it may well help you to 'fall out of love' with him as if that is the case then surely that would help kill off those feelings.

Thank you all for your sound advice... I really appreciate everyone's insight.

Alexana asked if there was "someone else", and the answer is yes and no. I caught my stbx having an emotional affair which thankfully he agreed was as signficant as a physical affair in terms of cheating. He had a physical affair 13 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child- and foolishly I believed him that this was a one time event because he said he was just scared of the responsibility of a child. Can anyone say red flag??? Instead I forgave him and we moved on. Several years later I caught him having an "on-line" relationship which he said was just innocent, but again- I let it go and moved on. After that event I was very clear with him that if he EVER cheated in any way on me- it was over! This most recent time he was having regular phone conversations with a co-worker (Jan-Feb 2009) and later confessed that they went out for drinks and kissed one night. When I confronted him about the cell phone minutes, he caved. He said he had tried to pay for the bill on-line so I wouldn't find out, because he says if I didn't see the phone bill- we would still be together-but what would that have gained us? He would still cheat and lie! He has has since confessed that there was one other woman at work about five years ago that he carried on an emotional romance with but which ended badly (she pegged him correctly as a player and wouldn't speak to him again). The reason I said yes and no about having a girlfriend now is that his "current" conquest is a married woman that he actually supervises. She has said the relationship won't go anywhere because she is married- and regrets that she kissed him- but who knows?? He is adament he didn't leave because of a woman- that the relationship is just a friendship (and has even suggested that maybe he and I will get back together someday when he becomes a "better person"- NO WAY!)- but I just want to get over him and move on! I hate the fact that I have let him be so disrespectful towards me for so many years... I want to have some pride and be outraged! I really can't wait to dislike him!

Oldbiker- you have him so pegged. He does want his cake and eat it,too. I have had to set clear limits about what our relationship will look like, because he thinks I am still available to meet his needs (and since he doesn't have any other options- he thinks why not?)- UGH! He is a pig, but I am holding firm!

Can you see why I should just hate him? I am so foolish to still have my heart tied to him! Thank you all for your support... I will be stronger person when this is over!

my 14 1/2 yr old wants to drive, he wants to learn, he wants his license.

last I checked, 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 265 a year.... the clock must say 16 before a permit test can be taken

no matter how much he Wants it, it's not going to happen any sooner



If there's an answer to your question, it's Within; otherwise, time's gonna pass just like for the rest of us.

You can make it happen sooner, but not yesterday

i honestly dont know how to answer that..mine left for *space* on xmas eve 07..turned out his space was moving in with a woman..i refer to her as the pig with lipstick and whore.

i honestly dont know if i have fallen out of love with him or for that matter ever will.

but once they are gone..the hurt gets less and reality of who they were ect will start kicking in.

i know i shared things on here i never said outloud to a another person..that helped..things i thought were normal in a marriage ppl on here told me it was out and out wrong..

stick with us kiddo..we'll walk ya thru it..

but alas time right now is your enemy.. soon it will be your friend

I relate to quite a few things you talked about. Sometimes I think I am "out of love" with him even tho I so very very deeply love him...and then I have days like today where I see him and feel in love still.
He had a sexual affair in 93 and the most recent supposed emotional affair in 06 yet says she is not the reason he left.
I have 4 kids and know its diffucult. I wish you all the best through this and I hope you find a way to get beyond those feelings much quicker than I seem to be doing.

Sounds like my fucktard alcoholic! Sure he's not an addict?

I for one can relate to your pain, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and no matter how bad a person may seem to be or actually are spending those many years you cant just shake it away,its going to take time with my experience time heals all wonds and I prayed and kept myself around POSITIVE people and eventually things got better my heart started mending bck together,because there was so much lonliness and its natural but my advice to you is put it in Gods hands thats what I did and believe me things will get better....

kd, I'm sorry for the pain and hurt you're having going through. It's hard to look at your dreams and see them slipping away.

Falling out of love will happen eventually, but you never do really stop loving them IMHO. I went through many of the issues facing you and I still love my ex and want the best for her, I'm just not "in love" with her anymore. It's more like sisterly love. It takes time, more for some than others, but you'll get there.

I've come to a point that I still love my ex in the way that I care for him and feel concern for his well being, but I have no desire to be with him and being away from him has helped me see that I'm better off now than I was. I'll never stop caring about him (he was a part of my life for way too long), but I don't see that as a bad thing. I can tell that my feelings are fading a little each day. I have ups and downs, but I'm mostly moving forward.

I don't think you really fall out of love with that person. Love just morphs into something else. Memories take their proper place. The whole thing somewhat fades with time. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened... I guess that's called healing.