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How do you change what you are attracted too?

lostintn
lostintn

I'm new to this site.  I have no one I can really talk to in my life that can understand my feelings.  I'm hoping just be venting maybe I'll start to feel a little bit better.  I'm 43 with a 9 year old little girl.  I've been single a while now and really want to date and find a companion to share life with, but I'm attracted to everything I shouldn't be.  I like Tattos, I like attractive Average to thin men, I like confidence, I like rough around the edges, I like a lost sole needing to be resuced.  I like men who need me more than I need them.  All of these features don't usually equal out to a decent man.  I've tried so hard to be interested in something different but I just can't seem to make it happen. I generally stay really busy so that I don't notice how single I am, but lately during any down time I feel lonely and lost.  I love my daughter and she is my life, but I still feel like something is missing.  My daughters dad has put me through hell.  He's been to prison twice, and I've tried so hard to be there and help him get his life right but everytime he comes home he goes right back to drugs and cheating and I simply couldn't take it anymore and I walked away from him about 2 years ago.  However I love love him and I don't see how he will ever leave my heart, but I simply can't be with him.  About a year ago I met a guy on a dating website who I ended up liking.  I wanted something casual but he pushed me into a relationship.  Against my better judgement I gave it a shot.  It was really good for about 2 months.  I made some changes in myself to make the relationship work but in the end we broke up, less than 5 days later he posted all over facebook how he loved this other girl.  I found out this other girl was a meth head.  It really upset me.  I mean I'm a dang good woman.  I have had the same job for 13 years, make great money, live on my own, never did drugs, don't smoke, almost never drink, I spoil the crap out of my daughter and usually my man.  So I quit even trying to date after that again.  However lately I just been feeling the need again to have a special someone to share my life with.  To do family things.  Someone to make happy.  However I just can't find it.  I like attractive men, but I'm a plus size woman.  I'm not BUTT ugly but I'm am larger and I don't have time to do up my hair and makeup most of the time because on top of full time job and full time child my family has a full time farm.  There is always labor work to be done.  So never any time to really do myself up.  I don't go anywhere but horse shows, Walmart and the farm so it's near impossible for me to meet potentail dates.  So I resort to dating websites and it's really really slim pickens in my area.  I feel like I'm starting to go into depression and that scares me.  I just wish I could change what I'm attracted to.

serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
I havent dated yet but i feel i am open, i of course want to be attracted to whoever i choose but i rather better person than looks... i believe they should put into as much as i do the relationship. Before my kids dad i put up with alot more sadly and i always gave amlnd gave. Before i dated him i up my standards while we ended and it wasnt perfect it was true when it was good. I have 3 kids sorta scared to date. I want a real realtionship not fast but nothing casual and most men dont want that so maybe i will stay alone. I dont even know. I have alot to offer but who knows. I not best on this topic so not sure why i even responded. Lol
linny5227
linny5227
I have the same problem. I'm attracted to people like my ex. Therefore, I end up being so picky and don't give people a shot because the attractions not there. I think I need to learn to focus on being happier with myself and then I can learn to be happy with others.
lostintn
lostintn
I really am trying to be open minded. Like I never really dated a plus size man before because not sure what the fundamentals of sex are with two plus size people LOL However if they have an attractive face I consider it. I'm really like an attractive face. I'm not into the whole body stuff. I myself don't care for built bodies. I like average normal. I have to be somewhat physically attracted to the person to be interested, but I want the same for myself. I want the man to be psychically attracted to me. I'm trying to raise my standards, but I'm not a snob. I don't need someone at the same level. I have no problem with a man with a struggle as long as he's trying. I just wish there was more fish in the sea in my age group. Dating is so dang difficult. I've just really been struggling lately. I'm not sure why all of a sudden my mind/heart decided they wanted a partner. I feel like it's taking over my mind. I'm not normally like that.
sjs777
sjs777
for me it begins with understanding who you are and what it is you want from a relationship. i reference my journals for perspective, but essentially sometimes we see the surface desires, but its the deeper rooted qualities that give us long term happiness
ripped_my_heartout
ripped_my_heartout
I'm trying to break the cycle. Therapy and divorce and self improvement groups can help. All my relationships in my life all ended because of her cheating. There are exercises that help you identify why we choose or are attracted to certain people based on family of origins. You'd be surprised at what you can learn about yourself.

I really do not want my next relationship to be like my past ones. They all had the same personalities and ended the same way. I want to break the cycle. I personally don't think I'm an ugly guy, women just don't seem to be attracted to me. I've never been approached by a woman. I'm a dad type, kind, caring, respectful and honest. I was only good enough for my stbx to provide, love and care for the kids. Now they are grown and she would rather explore the bars looking for those scruffy tattooed men. I don't get it.

I do know that I'd rather be alone then go through what I've gone through again. I can't handle the rejection and the cheating. Trust, it a hard one that I'm working on. Cheating is a real hit to ones self esteem.
We all can change here, it just takes some time and some work.
-HUGS-
Dandelion
Dandelion
Lmao Bridgie

You're on quite a rip today

Lol. .... involving their butthole
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