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How do I get my wife back?

MikeM101013
MikeM101013

I am new to this group but I am a long time sex addict. As a child I was sexaully abused by my teenage neighbor, that continued for two years until we moved away. I still acted out with girls and boys that I knew because I was told that is how you get someone to care about and love you. Fast forward to today, I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart and have three wonderful childern. But for the last 4 years I have lead a secret life of sex with prostitutes, corworkers, and friends. I have spent a large sum of money yo feed my habit and have had to hide it from my wife. Last month I met a girl online, she claimed to be over 18 but it turns out she wasn't. I was alos pulled into an underage sting operation and arrested on the spot. Now I am having to deal with severe criminal charges, My wife wants a divorce, my friends have left me, my job is gone, and I am living with my parents on house arrest. I am trying to change my life, setting goals, going to therapy, attending SA meetings, and trying not to see women. It is so hard though, I find my self looking or reaching out to past hooks up, only to feel guily afterwards. I have not slept with anyone since I got busted...but the urge never leaves me. I need to show my wife I can change, now that I am off prescription meds, I see here in a whole different light. I realize how much i hurt and took her for granted. Any advice?

Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
Getting your wife back in the least of your problems. Your primary focus should be your addiction and kicking it.

IMHO (as a recovered alcoholic), you will not be able to be a good spouse until the urge leaves you - for good.
AdelynRene
AdelynRene
The goal can't be getting your wife back. It has to be 100% commitment to your recovery. Maybe a result of that will be her coming back, or maybe it will be moving on with your life. Focus on recovery.
MikeM101013
MikeM101013
Thank you both for the response. I am trying to focus on recovery, lay low, and stay away from things that would trigger me. It's hard though, but I agree with you I need to beat it and stay "clean" for my wife and my kids
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Work harder on your recovery. Go to more SA meetings (although with the pandemic now, I think you can do online meetings), do more therapy, really take this seriously. Not saying you aren't taking it seriously now, but there is more that you can do to help yourself. You said "trying to", so I think you need more professional help.

You need to truly get your life together first. You can do it.
MikeM101013
MikeM101013
Thank you for responding. I feel kind of scattered right now with the therapy. I met with a psychiatrist last week and have had two sessions with an addiction therapist. Trying to get into the SA meetings, and I am trying to not give in to the addiction
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
One small thing that does make a difference is to not keep saying "I'm trying to...."

Instead, say "I will...."

Then you write down a plan.

I will call the psychiatrist this Monday.
I will get into an online SA meeting tomorrow.
I will not give into my addiction.
Etc.

And, you follow through. Hold yourself accountable.
MikeM101013
MikeM101013
You are absolutely right! Thank you again!
Pri
Pri
MikeM101013, what is important to you?
MikeM101013
MikeM101013
Getting well and getting my wife back
Pri
Pri
You have the order correct.

You can't get her back until you work on your wellness.

There are online meetings nearly every night. You have to get a SA sponsor, a phone tree of men (no women) in recovery, you have to set up your boundaries and stay safe. You both need to get tested. You go to any and all counselling you can find. You have to be worthy to yourself first.
Pri
Pri
What are the reasons you act out?
Pri
Pri
If you have a compulsive brain chemistry and are an addict you probably also need medical intervention to treat your anxiety depression OCD pstd for at least a year or two.
Pri
Pri
So you have a better chance at wellness.

I am sorry you are going through this.
MikeM101013
MikeM101013
I am going to at least 2 SA meetings a week and seeing two therapists. I started abusing prescription meds which lowered my inhibitions and stress/anxiety also contributed to me acting out. I appreciate your kinds words and support
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