Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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cavahoo1215 09/23/2016

Im so confused these days. For the past few weeks I have been so indifferent toward her. Like if I never saw her again it would be great. Now for the past few days I cant imagine how Im going to live without her.

I miss so much all of the little things. I went shopping last night and looking at all of the winter clothes brought up a whole new set of memories, and reminded me once again of all of the special moments we shared.

Were still ( at least partially ) living under the same roof and I miss her terribly. I want to wake up beside her every morning to snuggle up close to her every night. There are constant triggers in my daily life. Things that occur that I wouldve shared with her. Now theres no one to share them with. The simple things mean so much more when they are taken away.

I know that I shouldnt do this but I cant help myself. I asked her if we could talk yesterday. We had a very nice conversation and a lot of the things that were bothering me and making me angry were ironed out. The downside to that is that that anger has been replaced by the love that I still have for her. For the first time since all of this started i was able to see that she is sad too. She actually cried with me. The first time I have seen her cry tears of sadness , not anger.

The confusing thing is that I dont feel that we should be married anymore, and if she changed her mind and wanted to try again I dont think I would be willing to do that. I cant picture a scenario in which I would want to get back with her.

So what is this? I want all of our moments back but not her? I think at this point I dont miss my wife, I miss my best friend. The person I shared my entire adult life with. Good times and bad, happiness and sadness, laughter and tears. I am struggling so much trying to let go of that. She has been and still is a part of me. Any memories I have over the past 20 years involve her in some way.

I dont know how I am going to do this. I cant just go no contact. We have kids and I am bound to her for at least the next 12-13 years. I dont want a contensious relationship. I want us to still be friends and great co parents. I just dont know if I will ever truly heal doing that. I will always put the kids first and whatever is best for them is what I will do. They did not ask for, nor deserve any of this.

Through it all I still love her very much. This is so hard!

strongandsilent 09/23/2016

You are describing exactly how I felt. For me, I came to realize I was in love with the fantasy of who I thought he was and I was mourning for the future I would no longer have. In particular, to grow old with someone who loved me, supported me, shared my joys and sorrows. (In particular around our children)

I wanted that Someone to be my husband. We had been together 27 years and married 14. And,, the pain and grieving for that lost dream was a long road.

And every time we "talked", it made things worse because I started grieving again.

I would have done almost anything at the time to save my marriage - luckily, I also realized (and demanded) respect for my own needs. For instance, (shocker) he could not be with me if he had a girlfriend. Pretty simple.

I've meandered off point...

The hardest thing for me to get over was the loss of the dream of who I thought he was ... And what I thought my future with him woud be. No contact is the only way to go. And, while you can't go 100% with kids, you can get very close. Keep conversations short, business-like and by text or email if possible. And, you need your own living space.

if I remember your story right, there is Infidelity yes? just add one more point - yes, she may very well be sad. She is realizing she has to choose. She wants to have her cake (safe husband, nice home, respectable social ties) and eat it too (sexy, romantic, affair). she can be sad that she can't have it all, but you deserve more than that.

Sorry if I put too much of myself in there!

You will feel strong again.

Minidogs2 09/23/2016

What you're describing is a normal part of the journey. Find a DivorceCare group to support you since it's a long confusing, up and down time of processing all the emotions and thoughts. I've been to one and am currently going through it again with another group as a man who needs the support after a recent divorce.

samantha717 09/23/2016

I think this is all a natural part of grief. Last summer, I lost my brother very suddenly. I turned to my best friend for help to get through it. He was always there for me. I could text him any time of the day or night, whine, complain and laugh and he was always there. Two months after my brother died, he died too ... again, quite suddenly. At first, I could barely breathe. I lost two very important people suddenly in about eight weeks. I didn't see how I could go on. Life just seemed meaningless without them. I did what I could though. I talked about my pain and I got into therapy and that, plus time, began to heal me. Now it's about a year later and while I miss them both terribly, I am not so focused on them and having lost them from my life. I have hopes and dreams again. Let me tell you something I read in a book that really stuck with me ... you aren't missing that PERSON per se, but rather the way that person made you feel. That's some great food for thought!

cavahoo1215 09/23/2016

Thats a great point. But how does a person find those feelings again without that person. I feel kind of silly because the things I miss werent even that great. Its just the being in those moment with her.

Minidogs2 09/23/2016

It's wise to go through a time of healing and focusing on taking care of yourself. Building healthy relationships without dating for a while is the best idea. Hopefully you can build new and better memories with your kids, other men and in group activities for a while. It takes time to die to the thoughts involving your ex because they are tied to strong emotions.

samantha717 09/23/2016

You can find those feelings again with another person or even an activity or a hobby. What feelings did you get from being with her? Feelings of being loved and appreciated? Feelings of having someone to care for? Feelings of being youthful and sexy? Your first have to identify what feelings you got from being with her and then what ways you could get those feelings again. For instance, if you loved having someone to care for, get a pet. If you felt young and sexy, start working out. She is not the only one or only thing on the planet that can effect positive feelings in you.

cavahoo1215 09/23/2016

Lol. Definitely not the young and sexy part. I was an obese tub o lard for most of our marriage. Which is one of the reasons im going through this mess now. I feel sexier now than I ever have. Ive been running, lifting, and eating right. Lost over 80 pounds. I feel like a new person and I want to be able to share my joy with her but its too late.

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