I don't know, I am finding that I am having a really hard time moving on. As a matter of fact, I am becoming more hateful as time goes on. I want to bring him to his knees, the way he brought me to mine.
Mostly because in the end he told me that he never loved me. I believe he was telling the truth, because he had affairs even before we were married, but living together.
He had only the clothes on his back when we met. Didn't even have a car. He was making $8 an hour, owed $8000 in debt and his credit score was in the low 400's.
Now he gets to keep our house (I can't afford the payment), he drives a $50,000 pickup, he makes well over $65,000 a year, I got him on arthritis meds so he is no longer in pain the way he used to be and the deformities have slowed, I set him up with stocks.
Yes, he has what he has because of me! I actually did his application for this job, his employment package and gave it to someone who knew someone who hired him.
He recently told me he never loved me and told me about all the women he either sexted with or slept with during our 8 years together.
So, here I am at 55, starting all over, in an apartment while he got his newest conquest a new pickup truck and is moving on like I never even existed.
Even though it's been several months already, I find that I am just stuck in these hateful emotions. I find myself wanting to destroy him the way he destroyed me. I am seriously thinking about going to his job and filing a complaint, because the woman he is with is his employee and he already got in trouble over that last year.
I find that I am so hurt and so hateful at the moment, that I want to cost him his job and make him lose everything - make him leave our marriage the same way he came to me: with nothing but the clothes on his back.

TM1070 i feel you...i understand and even though i'm going through my own stuff right now i really hope that you dont do that for your own sake. A part of me (a BIG part) agrees with the latter because he was a real dick by saying he never loved you after EVERYTHING you did for him...wow unreal. BUT i just feel like if we stoop to their level it'll only be worse for us in the future. It may make you feel better for a little but what is it really going to do? it won't stop the pain and the hurt...only dealing with the pain and hurt will help. I'm holding on to the solace that others have gone through this and perhaps worse and have come out on top...so i try to keep that in mind and heart in the process of trying to overcome the betrayal. As i say this to you i'm also finding saying it to myself too...im in early stages so i still want to make him pay for doing this to me; a part of me wished that when i had looked in his phone and saw the text messages that i had taken down the girls number so i can call her...since i'm pretty sure she doesnt even know i exist. But then the other part of me is glad that i didnt...in the positive light i look at it as that was me being me. I'm a good person...i always tried to be. I was in love so i helped him out because i loved him...the fact that they can accept the help and still betray is on them not us...we did what we thought was right for our relationship. I pray it gets better...

TM1070,

WOW. I am so sorry about everything this man did to you. The fact that you did all these things for him is more proof of just how much you love this person and truly were able to change his life. I find it sad that with the new chance in life he was given and the opportunity to really make changes THIS is how he has decided to use that. I think you are having trouble moving on because you are still in the stage of trying to deal with the anger and pain he has caused. Trust me I to know what that anger has felt like. I was once engaged to a man who called off our wedding to be with someone else. My family paid for the wedding, the dresses, the reception, you name it and it was all booked. He ended up marrying this woman not long after. I cant tell you how many thoughts I had. I wanted to ruin their wedding. I wanted him to suffer in some sort of way and make him feel a portion of the pain he had made me feel. My days and nights were consumed by thoughts of him happy and me miserable. I hated him so much that I stopped being myself. I stopped seeing my friends/family. I wasn't doing anything I enjoyed and I was just consumed with hate. It took me so much time to realize that he wasn't thinking about me. I was the only one suffering. He had already ruined my life in many ways and every day I kept that anger was one more day he controlled me. It took a very long time but at some point I was able to make peace with it. I cant really tell you to "stop being angry" or feelings are not light switches. I know it will take you some time to work through that feeling and to get to a better place. I will say though that once this step occurs you will be in a place to heal and move ahead. I know it feels like being in a dark tunnel right now with no light in sight but finding a way through that anger will lead you to the right path at some point. It may take weeks, many months and maybe even a year but I can tell you that the same intensity of anger will not last. Keep journaling and going to therapy (if you can) and venting and reading and any of the steps needed to work through this stage. Trust me I know that the anger stage can be the most challenging to get out of but you can do it!

Trish,
I am glad you decided to not make things more complicated by involving the other woman in it. I do believe at some point she will figure out for herself. All you can worry about is your heart and your pain and make it as easy as you can for you. Having her mixed in would just make that process more difficult and add more steps in for you. Revenge seems like the best option at times but maybe the best revenge is to find happiness and get to a place where you find what/who you actually deserve in life. =)

Thank you Pinkrose...i'm really trying to deal with it. A part of me just wonder if i'll ever get that chance of happiness again. I just feel like he stole that from me. But the other part of me know that i will eventually; i just have to get over the hurdle.

Im struggling, my journy here has been a few months now, its been alot of ups and downs, mostly downs... I haven't found anything yet to completly help me.. I have a very lenghty post on here detailing my daily struggle. But ultimatly im still holding on, treading water with my wife. Things recently have been a bit better, but i feel they are slowly slipping again. Hard to tell, and her communication has been limited about us. She is confused and things are fragile.

I am angry and full of hate and rage

my life has been shitty and I blame her

Things will get better and I have much hope for the future and a lovely woman standing by me

I am so thankful for all the love and support from dear friends and family

6 months after she walked out on me she started dating her boyfriend of a year now
Disgusts and hurts still

After 19 years and no warning she was unhappy

I understand everyones anger, and believe me after 24 years went POOF a year ago, I will take anger over the shock and agonizing pain that i suffered way too long.

BUT to say you are waiting to find happiness and hope to find that with someone again I think is a red flag. What I have learned is you have to be happy with yourself. Find your own happiness. If you put all your eggs in one basket with someone else and they split again, you will be back where you started. I wont make that same mistake again. My ex was my life for a long time so I am paying a heavy price with her not here anymore. But I have tried to focus on staying busy and finding things to do to take my mind off the constant dwelling and what if's. She has totally moved on so there is no choice but to do the same. I find some joy in simple things like a new recipe to try or even looking for a different take on tuna fish sandwiches, go get the different veggies and chop em up and throw it together lol. Things I havent done for myself since we were together all those years. Anything to refocus your thoughts helps. Even house work can give a sense of accomplishment, until my daughter messes it all up again haha. Ive spent way too long wallowing in grief and false hope. And I wouldnt consider diving into another relationship until Im 100% healed from this nightmare...she was obviously much further along because she dove right in immediately, but I cannot control her. Shes gone, and its up to me to find my own happiness, like its up to everyone else. Its too risky relying on someone else for that, I learned that lesson in spades. Good luck to everyone, after a year things are definitely better...not 100% but not 0% either!

What a great idea, love this post. I don't post as often anymore because truthfully, its kind of depressing reading about so many failed relationships, it makes me sad.

I am doing much better then I was a year ago. I would never want to go back to that time period or wish that pain and heartache on anyone.
I learned a lot, I learned that life changes, people change, feelings change and I learned that some people really don't care about you and can move on in life w/out giving us a second thought. I really had no idea that people really do walk away. Although it's depressing to see so much of that here, I found great comfort and support in knowing I wasn't the only one, so I thank DS for that. Where would I be w/out this site?

Although I am in a much better place then I was a year ago and for that matter even a month ago, I still have some rough patches, more than I thought I would at this point, but those times came because I allowed myself to think about him and our former life together, I chose to remember the good, not the bad. Since I just recommitted to going NC AGAIN, I have a sense of peace that I am on the right track, of letting him really go this time and looking forward vs looking back. It took me a long time to reach this point. I always held on to the hope that he would come back, I now realize that he isn't going to so forward I go. Although I'm in debt up to my eye balls and have to make some major decisions about my home and finances and I'm 54 years old and starting over, I am ok. I feel that I have finally "unstuck" myself. Good luck everyone, hang in there. Each of our healing will take as long as it takes. Remember it's their loss and we deserve better!!!

I understand the anger that everyone is speaking of. I have so much anger at my husband and the OW. I want so bad to contact the OW and tell her off and conclude with all the times she felt he was faithful to her when he was intimate with me. Or give her a little insight about what life with my husband would be like. I want to scream at my husband, tell him off at the top of my lungs and hit him. I feel pretty bad all the time because of it so I asked my therapist for advice on how to deal with the anger. Her is the advice: get rid of your anger in constructive ways. Drive to a secluded area and scream your lungs out, scream at your ex like they are sitting there beside you, sit in a quiet area at home and imagine that you are telling off the OW and your ex, be detailed about what you would say or how you would do it. Allow yourself to do or say anything you want. Imagining it is like actually doing it in terms of how you mind processes anger plus you don't have the reprocussions of actually confronting the OW. Write everything down. Write a letter to your ex but don't actually send it. Think about all the bad stuff that your ex did. Write it down. I am going to put this plan in action overdrive to see exactly how far I can get with getting past this anger. I want to move on. I think that getting past this anger is key.

Hello, I can understand, at least in some part, how everybody feels.
I was just dumped and I am trying to move on. I have all kinds of feelings. I can't believe that I still love him. TM1070, I am also outraged b/c I was w/ my boyfriend for 8 yrs as well. Although, we did have a long distance relationship; the pain remains the same. I wonder now, if he was faithful to me during those years. I still need closure, I was dumped via text. I don't know if what he said in the text was true. I wish there was a way that I could find out the truth. He owes me that much.

I appreciate all of the comments. In some way it helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel, that I am not the only one something like this happened to. In other ways it is really depressing. So much hurt everywhere, so many dreams destroyed, so many lies.
It makes me think that there I no real love out there anymore, that nobody is faithful anymore. It seems to be more and more accepted for people to cheat and destroy the people they proclaimed to have loved,
I seriously doubt that I will ever allow myself to trust another person and love another person the way I did him.
My counselor has told me that my STBX has personality disorders. Not just one, but he falls within 3 categories: sociopath, narcissist and I forget what the 3rd one was. So I read up on those and was shocked to see him in the descriptions.
The lack of empathy for others, not ever telling the truth, the promiscuity, many short marriages, not staying in the same job for very long (he had 4 jobs in those 8 years) - the list goes on.
They are extremely charming and know how to work people and then they use them as vehicles to get what they want.
When the lies start to unravel and the loved one catches on, they simply move on and they always have another victim already lined up.
There are lots of flags that identify them - I ignored them all! He didn't/doesn't have any friends. None from the past and none now. He never wanted to make friends - always said there is too much drama that comes with friends. He walked out on his boys and never looked back and he told me that he does not feel anything for anyone. Told me that he knows he should love his parents, but he just doesn't. He actually told me himself that he has all the makings of a sociopath. I didn't believe him then, I do now.
Does this insight make any of this easier? It doesn't. It makes it worse, knowing that for 8 years I was conned by someone whom I loved with all my heart and who didn't have it in him to feel anything for me. How could I have been so blind?

TM1070 and others - Do not lose all hope in love and happiness with a partner in the future. There are posters here, both men and women, who are exhibiting characteristics of commitment, honesty, and love which are not reciprocated by their counterpart. There are a others like you not posting on this site, too. You are simply mismatched and only need to find the right people. When reading this forum, don't take away hopelessness and pain from love from the posts in this site. Instead read that there are people like you out there who have the same values and commitment to love and are needing someone like you to fill the void like yours in their lives.

Reading that over again makes my head spin, but I hope you all somehow get my message.

TM1070, I can relate to your post so much. I also doubt that I will ever find love again, although I am very young still. This heartbreak was my first long term and serious relationship and I am having trouble believing I will ever be able to fully give myself to someone the way I did to him. The signs were there so early but I took them as wow he is really interested. I fell fast and I fell hard, this guy seemed perfect and was so charming, I couldn't believe I was so lucky, it all felt to good to be true... And obviously it was.

He too is a narcissist and a sociopath. Before he met me he had no long term relationships, had slept with close to 30 women, had no lasting friendships, bad relationships with his siblings and parents, blamed others for his short comings, had around 8-10 GOOD jobs and quit them all because of a co-worker he wanted to beat up or the work was bullsh** or a boss that was screwing him over. He once quit a job because on his first day he changed the radio station and the others changed it back (that was not acceptable in his mind). I trusted him so much and never ever thought he was lying to me. If I would find something out, one time I found a card with cocaine residue on it and asked about it and he said yes him and his buddy did some, when I asked why he didn't tell me he got mad and said it was none of my business, maybe it wasn't but I just wanted us to be upfront about everything and help each other.

He was so charming. When he first met my family they all loved him. He was so outgoing, funny, kind to me (in front of others anyway), and said the sweetest things. When we had a big blow up I needed time to think about everything and process it all. I think he could tell there was no going back from this screw up and I wasn't going to let this time slide, and so he started looking for someone new, a new supply. Meanwhile I had no idea he was talking to other women, so we continued to talk and see each other for 2 months. I said I couldn't go back and ended it. It was days later and he was with a new girl. It makes me so angry he can find such pretty, educated,and kind girls without trying all he had to do was Facebook message some girl. Part of the narcissists charm I guess.

He was constantly finding ways to screw people over, and couldn't see how maybe that would come back later to bite him in the ass. It just makes me sick, the person I tried so hard to help and fix wasn't even a real person. I tried to help him save money but he got mad and said it wasn't my business, but this new girl apparently is helping him save money and is much more helpful than I ever was. It was none of my buisness but it is someone you've known for 2 months buisness.

He was abusive, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I was the abusive one, what if it was me, and I am the one who is so oblivious so my own personality. What if I am the reason he didn't treat me well, deep down I know that probably isn't true but it definitely crosses my mind a lot. I also believe he was sexually abusive, sometimes waking me up at 4am to have sex when I wasn't even really awake yet, or making me feel guilty for not wanting to, saying things like "look at you you're so sexy how can I not always want to have sex with you". Sometimes I just wanted to go to sleep and would let him anyway because I didn't want a fight, it would cause me pain and he would ask if I was ok but keep going anyway and get mad at me after because if it was that bad why was I doing it. I would ask to use protection but he would get to carried away and it wouldn't happen in time. There were certain things I wouldn't want to do and he has told me all about how his new girlfriend will do them. There was also physical abuse, no actual hitting, which is why it took me so long to see it how it was. He once threw something in my room close to the wall I was standing by and shattered the glass and left me to clean it up, while he went to another room and boasted about how much he scared me this time, and how 'she won't speak out against me this time.' This was all because I told him to please be quiter, we come home from a bar, he was drunk of course and being loud at 4am and I was trying to sleep.

I have left the relationship and have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I have done NC sporadically and started again 4 days ago. I am thankful for this site to remind me I am not alone. I am working on myself and trying to heal all of the hurt. I am building my self esteem back up and trying to become the best person I can be for myself and to truly be happy.

Idontmake.. Thank you for posting. It is people like you that I am thankful for to remind me it is all going to be alright and not to lose hope. And Pinkrose28, thank you for making this post, sometimes it's nice to just vent without judgement.

Kbbcop says wont date until %100 healed

I am not sure that is 100% possible

The wound is so deep and I will always carry it

However I believe new love and life is a possibility

I have met some wonderful women since my separation

And believe true love might be possible again

1 1/2 years since my lifes love abandoned me

I hope when I am ready to start dating I will know but I guess the bigger question is if trusting someone again will take more time then it used to.

has anyone tried online dating since their breakups? how was/is that ?

TM,
If your ex has personality disorders especially sociopath/narcissist type qualities, maybe its a good thing you are away from him. I know that doesn't make the pain any easier but I can assure you a friend of mine was married to someone with these qualities and it was scary to see the level of hurt he was able to cause without blinking an eyelash. You don't want to spend the short time we have in this world on a person who Is incapable of ever feeling anything. I hope your therapy is going well and that you will be in a place someday where you can see hope again