I feel your pain and I'm also dreading Christmas and New Year's It hurts so much. This time last year I was so happy and now it's all gone. I wish it wasn't this way. But sometimes people just walk away and there is nothing we can do.

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Of course, I do not know the whole story; just what you have provided.

When you say that you have lost yourself "trying to make her happy by trying to change into whoever she wanted with no luck because I don't know even if she knows what she wants," this is where you cannot win. You can ONLY be you! There is no way you can be anything or anyone else. BE YOURSELF!

I totally get what you are saying, but our partners must accept us as we are UNCONDITIONALLY, if they are in this for the long haul and REALLY love us! I am not saying, however, that you can do whatever you want. But it is SO important that our parters can and will love us and try to work things out and not turn on us.

The kids are noticing it and feeling it. It is important that you are yourself around them too.

And do NOT blame yourself! No matter what may have happened, YOU are making the effort to fix things. You cannot make her do it.
All you can do is keep trying, yet not overdue it. Give her some space to think. I don't know how old your kids are, but they may be hearing only her side of the story. It is important that you try to keep things good with them, yet not try to buy their love and attention.

Call someone you are friends with and try to get out and away from it. Take a trip alone if you can and rethink everything.

Be patient!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really is a terrible time of year to be heart broken. But please don't feel you could have done more. It seems you have went above and beyond to please your wife and family, and it still isn't enough. This says more for her than you. Unfortunately some people just aren't like us, I would go as far as to say they are innately selfish and will always protect number one.

If you have done all you can and it's not enough then it's time to begin letting go. However as she still lives there, this is near impossible. She filed the papers, can't she move out? What's the situation there? You are clearly unhappy and if it's affecting the kids maybe it would be best all round if she took herself off and begin the new life she so clearly wants.

I feel for you, please don't feel it's all your fault because it most definitely isn't.

Realize you can't change her, if you could you would have done that already> you can only change you> get some counselling put your manly pants on and be there for your kids>. Most kids feel it is their fault. Tell them repeatedly the divorce is not their fault. If you need to live with her for finances perhaps you can buy an even and place it in the yard so you have some physical separation.

Ignore the holiday like I do, read an intense book, I always buy a Robert Ludlum spy book and read it cover to cover on Christmas Day, avoid the mall and those gushy tv special they will only bring you down.

So sorry for your pain

I have tried counceling for myself. Marriage counceling by myself. She would not come. Says counceling will not work..its funny
Because she has gone to school and graduated with a degree in psychology to help families. Either way. There has never been any physical abuse . Mental abuse or anything else. She just always seems to live in her phone . Friends she never sees becomes more important that me every time. We have fought over that. She never wants to spend time with me yet at times she's very clingy and romantic in the past. Its a cycle . With how she wants my attention then not at all. My kids are 11,13,15. She refuses to move out. Yet can't afford our house if I moved out. I try ed to talk to her about selling the house and if she really wanted this we could go our seporate ways then. She will not discuss the house. She is strong willed and tells me she won't sell the house. Says I need to respect her on that. She jut last night told me we can't talk about our marriage because it hurts too much to think about our marriage. And I need to respect that too. I can't talk about anything. She always shuts the conversation down. Unless it's strictly about the kids. My big boy pants have been on the whole time but every time I try to take charge of any situation she is out. And shuts down for days or uses I pest her. She has made serious accusations about me and will not listen to any truth from anybody..she has even shut out our pastor and stopped going to church. How can i live with such a confused and stubborn person. She even tried Tsing me to court to make me leave the house take my car and pay for all her lawyer bills. Tha k god the judge thru this out. .

Sorry to hear about this tjfamf.

It sounds completely over. In fact, it sounds like she is seeing someone else, to be completely honest.

She cannot afford the house on her own yet she refuses to leave? You are no longer required to stay in the house so that she can live there. Get the divorce done, find your own place. If she refuses to sell the house, she can either buy out your share of the equity or a judge can force her to sell if she can't afford it.

If I were you I would put every effort into moving onto the next phase: house sold (or you moved out and house in her name only), you living in a new place, and reasonable custody agreements worked out for the kids.

I suppose since it's getting close to holiday time this may all have to wait until the new year. Hang in there. But focus on you and your kids now. She is done. Not to mention completely irrational (perhaps caused by the guilt and dissonance of what she is doing to her family). And you need to be done with her.

Best wishes.

Its a crappy reality I'm trying to terms with. Your words struck a cord in me and even though my mind truly knows our marriage is over , considering how much I have put up with over the years, my heart just won't listen. I know everybody has gone thru issues with divorce but I just can't get myself to give up on my marriage. As I said my mind realizes it. But that damn heart is tearing me up. I think my biggest problem is , is that I can't get out of the "why are you doing this" or "I blame you for destroying our family" thoughts . I mean it's been almost 9 months !! you would think I'd get it thru my thick skull.

Unfortunately, everyone here knows how you feel. And, unfortunately, you are unlikely to start healing until you physically separate. It is terrible, I know. But, sounds like life is pretty unbearable now anyway. There is a lot of energy that comes from taking charge and moving forward.

Good luck!!