If a marriage and its intimacy are in trouble, daily life can be so much more of a struggle.

I agree with blonde, in that very often, a man "taking care of his own" can often be a turn-on for a woman. And, if there are problems with intimacy, well, any turn-on helps. But, I think it is sad to define the intimacy as a benefit because one fixed the car. At that point, one has also defined their spouse as using sex to get things done and negated any emotional connection she could have possibly had. And if you don't think she can sense that...

I was accused of doing exactly that. At that moment, my attraction and connection was blown out of the water. I shut down completely.

But that's just me.

Wow, linking act of servitude to sex is messed up. Is that like prostitution?

I did plenty of painting and other home remodeling jobs but it was never for sexual favors. If that were the case they would have gone undone just on the principle.

You say paint? shouldn't that be more like we discuss the need to paint and then it gets done together?

I have to agree with Frank on this one.

I'm sure there are men and women that both use sex and intimacy as an issue of control. A "reward" system if you will for being good or doing the "right" thing.

I've never understood that, personally. The sexual/intimate part of my relationship was a separate entity to be shared - in my mind. Don't get me wrong, if I was upset or angry, then certainly I wasn't in the mood, but it was never treated as a reward or punishment. There were not values assigned to certain acts in the bedroom or a point system set up. After all, ideally, I was getting as much pleasure from it as he was, so why deny myself? I guess I'm just different and don't understand that mentality and find it very sad that so many have been on the receiving end of that kind of abuse.

Rman - I'm sorry you feel this way, but I assure you that not all women are like that!

wait, what's marital sex?

I can paint your body with my tongue.





.........after you plunge the tub

I'd say my ex used it more as a weapon than I ever did. And, in the end, he shot me straight through the heart with it. I have never known such pain.

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My ex used withdrawal of affection all of the time for almost any reason that she felt at the time. Never talked about why, never discussed. Just drove my entire sense of the marriage and my own self-esteem down the toilet. What will be the next thing that she will take offense to and then punish me as she expected me to read her fucking mind?

I did not want to get mad. I did not want to get mad. I did not want to get mad. I did not want to get mad. I did not want to get mad.

OK, I'm not mad now! LOL!

It is really messed up to link acts of servitude with marital sex. However, I dont think Rman was the one doing the linking. The two should be unrelated but sadly, often are. This isn't the first time it has happened and it wont be the last.

I don't buy into the whole "you should do things without expectations of a return" mentality either, no matter how often it is put forth as the right way to live. Recognition, acknowledgement, and appreciation are what I crave. If they come in the form of sex, well YAHOOO!

Sex can absolutely be unrelated to accomplishments [spontaneous horny event] but is frequently the result of one party being pleased by the acts of the other. Im all for either rewarding or paying it forward. It reeks of manipulation however to withhold sex and affection as a response to the other partys failure to please. If painting the kitchen was item #10 on a list that saw 9 items completed, not painting the kitchen should not become the disappointment that upsets & angers to the point of putting one 'out of the mood'. It may not be meant as a punishment, but it certainly may be received as such.

Whats a BJ? Someone explain please.

BJ = blow job/oral sex

A bj means talking about sex? it's oral? talking?