I read your story, you are right - this is NOT love!! He did you a favor by leaving....you need to take care of yourself. Get some therapy, find out why you have such low self esteem that you would allow someone to treat you like this. Hang in there, don't talk to him, get a lawyer and protect your interests. {{{hugs}}}

you can't solve problems if you chicken out and move out. call it anything you want but it is not strong love like relationships must have to work well.

if he felt emasculated, then his job was to strengthen himself to be able to stand eye to eye as your equal partner. neither spouse has the luxury of being passive and weak.

He felt emasculated?.......I have the feeling lots of men who cheat go through this. You can only own your own behaviors and give ownership to his.

my ex left and went several states away and still called it love. eventually, i told her that she had to stop saying that because her actions were the opposite.

love stays, first and foremost. anything else is not worth having, at least where i come from.

Thank you guys. Despite the fact that He cheated I stayed to make things work...and he didnt

J, first please remember that what you're feeling is normal, absolutely normal. I've been reading the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it explains the stages we go through when a relationships ends like ours did. Sounds like you are in the internalization phase, where you are taking on the responsibility for the demise of your marriage. You're blaming yourself, thinking there was something more you could have should have would have done to save your marriage. The truth is, you are no more responsible for being abandoned than I was. We didn't abandon them; they abandoned us. Their reasons for leaving us are just weak, pitiful excuses. Instead of dealing with problems like adults, they chose to run away thinking that was going to solve their problems. Was your husband the type of person who tried to avoid conflict? Mine sure was and he did the only thing he thought he could do...he ran. That isn't a reflection on me or you. That is a reflection on them and the way they deal with issues.

Don't beat yourself up. Don't accept 100% of the blame and don't let him make you feel like it was all your fault. Don't believe the "I still love you" crap, because that's all it is. Crap. If they really loved us they wouldn't have abandoned us.

It's been three months for me and I still have bad days and you will too. I don't remember if you ever said you were talking with a therapist. If you're not, I would suggest you do so. I've received a lot of validation and insight into my situation and you will too.

KAW thank you so much. I think I might get that book. It seems our stories are very similar...My situation is 2 months. I just want this to stop. I want this memory to fade.

I've felt the same way. I would like nothing more than to erase him from my memory. I've also had periods where I would have done anything to stop the pain, even considering doing something permanent to fix a temporary situation. I spent two hours on Sunday sitting in my car bawling my eyes out and felt like I had nowhere to turn. I ended up talking to his sister in law and she helped get me through it. We both know logically that these men aren't good for us but I'm sure you can't turn off your feelings any easier than I can. We are going through the normal process of grieving for the death of our marriages. Better for us to feel this way than to be so cold and callous as the schmucks who abandoned us. At least I know my marriage meant something to me. I'd rather have these feelings than to fool myself into thinking my partner was disposable when I was done with him.

KAW I've felt the same, I was willing to end my life not to feel this pain, but for who? For someone who wouldn't even come to my funeral? I just never in a million years think that this person would turn into this monster.

KAW - Do you mind giving me the title and author of the book please.

"he still loved me and missed me"

He's playing and or fishing to see if you will still take the bait.

Sooo he cheated, and felt emasculated?

You did that?

Well done!

He should have felt that way.

The penalty for cheating, if you are choosing to stay with your partner after, is so huge, it's almost impossible to sustain. You are building trust from starting at hell and working your way up.

You have to become completely transparent, answer questions you'd never think you'd have to, put up with random, snide irrelevant comments that come out of nowhere, even in general dialog.

That's the tip of the iceberg as far as the penalty for cheating.

After that kind of beating (and yes, completely deserved) the crime was not worth the penalty and there's no f'kin way in hell I would ever do it again.

I understand what you're saying. When my X chose not to actively try and save our marriage, his reasons, over time, all had to do with what he felt were his shortcomings.

He then "saw the light" and made this big, sweeping apology to me in April 2012, after we had divorced in 2010. When he apologized, it didn't really resonate with me as I had become indifferent at that point.

But, when I think about his reasons for cheating, his self-imposed shortcomings, I realized he did all his self-discovery, all of his self work, after our marriage ended. Our marriage ending, in and of itself, was not the wake up call i had wanted it to be for him. Losing his marriage didn't matter, simply put. I have absolutely no doubt he is much happier today than he was while married to me, and I'm ok with that.

I think the person who fights the good fight, puts in the effort, gets pulled along and dragged down by the spouse who mentally checked out a while ago. The fact my X didn't want our marriage is fine; the fact he didn't just grow balls and tell me that was another.

He can tell you he loves you, but actions ALWAYS speak louder. Remind yourself he's telling you through an email, like you're a coworker, and NOT in person, the way a husband should.

Thank you guys.

Msgtd: When I found out...it took him a lot to admit it was cheating . He said it was just a friendship...but why would u hide your wife and your ring if it was just a friendship?

He said he was willing to try anything but less than a month, he said he was tired of trying because he doesnt even consider it "cheating"...

He felt emasculated, ( It;s in my Journal) because i have hit him and I threatened him...I know..i should never lay my hands on anyone..but i was just so angry!

I love a good rant. :)

People say "it's a roller coaster" I liken the end of a relationship to a carnival ride on acid.

It's going to take time (oh my GOD I HATE that phrase!) but it does get easier. It's not your fault! Relationships take TWO. Both parties must make the effort. Take pride in knowing you tried, so many don't.

I've had a teary hour or two myself recently based on the situation I put myself in. We all have them, something as simple as a flat tire? Well if HE was around he could fix it....,silly things like that.

Hi J,
The title of the book is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and the author is Susan Anderson. I downloaded it to my iPad. While reading the book there were so many things she described that I was going through exactly as she said. I felt like the book was written especially for me.