Hey all. I've been in this procrastinating, fatigued fog for a while now. I get fired up if i drink caffiene, but otherwise I lay around and watch re runs of Party of 5 while my daughter is at school, forgetting to eat then having a candy bar. My body is going down hill- losing muscle, skin looks bad... I look tired. Eating junk, all that. I gotta get out of this funk, no matter what becomes of my marriage.

Really, in a way my marriage has been over since before it began. We had a shotgun wedding at a church with my dad and uncle. I'd tied down a guy who was into me at the time but for him it just mighta been a fun romantic fling, for me I wanted it all, him all. My "husband" didn't want to get out of bed that day, and he never told me I looked nice or anything. He was 23 and scared shitless and resentful. He cried at our wedding, but I honestly think was out of fear and sadness. Guess it didnt set the tone for a happy marriage. We had fun times together-- we are both fun people, but most nights I stayed home with the baby wondering where he was, and eventually, who he was with. He'd come home the next day or later after wild nights out at least 2x a week. He rarely wanted to kiss me or hug me, let alone have sex.

I tried to get him to "fall in line." I tried encouraging, doing sweet things, getting mad, talking it out, leaving, coming back. 5 years older than him, deeply in love, and ready for the real deal, I couldn't bear us falling apart. Our baby was sooooo cute and we had so much going for us as a couple... but the alcoholism and cheating just wouldn't let our picture-perfect-on-the-outside-life be that way inside. 

After so many crisis and betrayal, I left him. He went to rehab, and has tried to cleanup and patch it up since, but some DUI or random chick always surfaces to dash those hopes.

Me, I'm 33 and exhausted. I know I made my mistakes-- the biggest of which trying to force something, so blinded by my own desires that i refused to see reality. I used half my 20s on him (I met him at 26) and now am almost half way through my 30s. I want more kids, I want a partner I can rely on.  I want to become a better person.

I also wonder if I could ever be as interested in anyone as I was in him. Hes a saint when hes not drinking, and the most loveable handsome guy on earth. Unfortunately most other women see that, and once a beer hits his lips, hes game for their pursuits.

Alright, you say-- move on. I want to! Something keeps me one foot in, but hey at least I took one foot out. That wasn't easy! We are basically legally separated. We hang out every weekend so he can spend time with our daughter, but I stay around to make sure he doesnt drink and drive with her. This makes it hard bc we stay attached, but also its healthy for our young child to see us getting along and doing family things together still. He shows up sober, but i just never know bc he's screwed up a lot of times in the past and he isnt in AA or anything, so I have to protect my daughter and make sure hes being safe. Its also my only time with help (I have no family in this country, theyre all in Canada), so I take what I can get. And in a lot of ways, its working. 

I've gone ona  couple of dates (we are free to do so), but it only confirmed my fears that my dang magical ex is a tough act to follow, even though i can't trust him and thats like, huuuuge for a real relationship. 

Instead of being in this great debate everyday of will it work out? Will he get sober? Even if he did could I trust him? (mind says no. heart not sure. wants to be sure). Is that fear or realism? Instead of torturing myself with those questions, each day I will:

Exercise for 20 mins.

Meditate for 10 mins.

Work for 1 hour to start, then up to 2 hours.

Tackle 2 to-do list tasks a day (simple stuff like pay my DMV reg and phone bill, as bad as it sounds i struglle to do any of that stuff lately)

Eat healthy- no more sugar unless its fruit, and real food.

I feel like this list is manageable, don't you? I've had a hard time doing it this last year. I've had bouts of productivity with bouts of extreme laziness. Part of its the adrenal fatigue from all the crazy stuff that happened in the last 8 years, 6 of those years me being a (practially speaking) single mom.

I'm starting, though. No more waiting until I know all the answers or have my man to start living. I don't want to go another day of hurting my body and mind hiding from life. I don't have to fix everything today, but I can start these baby steps and see where it takes me! I am committing to 30 days of this list, right here and now. I came to this forum to make it public, to declare it, for support and accountability, even if it is just to myself. If I ever want love, or clarity, it has to start with treating myself like I'm worth basic care. I pushed myself to hard in the past, also partied too hard, waivering between being overly responsible to reckless, and dated bad men cuz I thought I needed them, so the pendulum swung back around to me being overly induglent with myself lately in terms of too gentle, too easy going. At first it was good, I needed rest, but now I'm just stagnating. I can find balance now. I can accomplish a bit each day, and still have time for a simple but not destructive treat, like one episode of a show I like or a fancy healthy treat out.

Okay-- wish me luck!!!!