Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Getting A Divorce

Conan14
Conan14

Unfortunately, my wife and I have decided to get divorce yesterday. I love my wife to death, but my faults are too much for her to bare and I struggle heavily with correcting them because I'm stubborn, immature and selfish. I'm heartbroken that my stubborness has hurt another human being, especially someone as loving as my wife. My wife has had long term (non-terminal) health issues for the 7 years that we have been together. These issues have hurt her ability to hold employment, cause the need for me to be a caretaker, and require me to devote 99% of my time to work and her. She has had 2 suicude attemps during our marriage. One, she said was because she couldn't stand the pain she as seeing me go through and wanted to free me of it, and the second was because she could sense my frustration with her. 


I can't lie...this has been an extremely trying few years for both my wife and myself. I have emotional shortcomings, but I have tried my absolute best to do everything I can to care for her. As it turns out, having a job, giving her health insurance and a safe home was not enough. She needed more of emotional caregiving to really help. Sadly to say, I just don't have the skillset to deliver. I was raised in an umemotional family. I havve tried like hell and my wife has done a great job of helping me grow in this area, but resentment has grown past the point of no return.


Again, I feel awful that i let her down and failed as a husband. She will tell me that she knows that this road was never easy and she does acknowledge that I tried, but I just can't shake the guilt I feel for letting her down. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted any of this to happen. I'm embarrassed and angry with myself. But, the divorce has to happen because we are now just toxic..

heartake
heartake
You are definitely in a rough situation. It is NOT easy to work AND be a caregiver. On top of that, you've been trying so hard to change to make her happy. Whether you're from an "unemotional" family or not, at some point, it was without question that you'd burn out. This isn't anyone's fault. Your wife is having (assuming) chronic medical conditions which is likely causing her a lot of pain and stress, making her need support in many aspects of her life (ie. emotional health). You put in effort to provide her with emotional care, but you know, you can't possibly provide her with everything (i.e. you already work, are caring for her physical needs, health insurance). No human being is equipped to be so perfect that they can offer everything that another person wants. I'm so sorry about how things had to turn out...Since it looks like decisions have already been made, there really is no point for me to make any suggestions, but have you considered respite care? Or perhaps hiring a companion healthcare aide? It'll be hard, but I just want to encourage you to give yourself credit for what you did do: you tried and you tried very hard. Sending you hugs.
ifinallygetit
ifinallygetit
I can't possibly imagine the stress that you and your wife are going through. If you aren't both getting some level of therapy, I would recommend it. Hugs
arfie
arfie
Whether it is going well or going badly, it takes two to make a relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not all-powerful. A mere human. . .

Gentle support while you ride it out, Conan. Hope healing happens here.
Mom2girlies
Mom2girlies
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I am sorry that you are being so hard on yourself too. As stated above, you are only human and you cannot be everything all of the time. You are carrying all of the weight of the marriage on your shoulders. You sound like you need to take a break, go out with some friends, and have some fun. Then you should def start talking to someone. Therapy will def help. Even if the decision is final, it will still help for you to go to therapy by yourself or even together. You did not mention if you had children or not? Good luck and hugs to you while going thru this hard time.
Conan14
Conan14
Sorry I haven't updated recently, but life has been tough as you could imagine. We were trying to work it out, but it appears that we both past the point of no return. There's just too much resentment and too much damage done. We don't have children, so I just want to make this as painless as possible for her. Asking her to stay will put her health at risk because stress only makes her issues flare up. I'd love to beg her, but that would be selfish and foolish. Again, when resentment is present, it's extremely hard to get rid of. We have been in therapy both as a couple and individuals for years. My heart is broken, but I feel she may be better off without me and I may be the same alone as well. Scary as hell to think about, but it's time...
shisnomore
shisnomore
Are you saying your wife has made the choice to leave you? Have you been working to get past the resentment in therapy and you both couldn't get past it?

I'm asking because my husband and I recently started counseling. But he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to put in the work it will take to try to make things better and keep our family (we have a 1 year old) together. I guess I'm trying to understand why he isn't willing to try to make it work. While we both admitted there were issues in the past, neither one of us put the effort in to really make that better but we agreed to do couples counseling and I thought we were in the right track but he said the road to fixing is too long.
vwidow
vwidow
What's the meaning of "for better or worse?"
therapeutica
therapeutica
Dont give up on her-ever! Otherwise, you dont really sound convincing! Sorry...
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