"Why can't we just stay married." Well...because your wife has told you she no longer wants to be married. You can't make someone love you and want to be with you. Marriage takes two people.

You need to focus on yourself and your children and moving forward with your new life. Does your STBX have family or friends she can go live with until she gets a full time job?

I to am going through a similar situation. My husband left me and our two children but says that he still loves me and wants to be friends with me. He says that it will be better for the kids if we can just be friendly with one another. He still gives me moments of hope and it is very painful. I know how hard it can be when you have to be around your ex and the children. I smile and say nice things but inside my stomach is in knots.
I have been trying to focus on my children and bettering myself in order to gain some control back in my life. Because that is what is lacking...the control that was taken away from us. I still have days that are to hard to even mention since all of this is so new for me, but one thing always makes me feel a bit better...that is my kids and the mom I want to be for them.
Hang in there.

My wife is still living with me almost a month after she said she no longer wants to be married. Per her request, we are very nice and friendly to one another, as if everything is fine. Only difference is we sleep in separate beds, no physical contact, no I love yous and knowing she will be leaving soon. Some days I feel happy that we are at least cool with one another and others where I feel I am causing more emotional damage to myself. She is saving up to move out. She has no place to stay until then. Her friends are my friends and we don't want our friends to feel uncomfortable by asking them if she can stay with them. Her parents and sister think she's nuts for wanting to destroy our family and told her she needs to stay with her husband and kids and work it out (they don't want to be "enablers").
So, we have no choice but to live together until then.

Sorry that you are going through this. It must be very difficult to have her under the same roof all the time. At least you can take comfort in the fact that your children will be much better off with their parents acting civilly towards one another. Maybe getting out and spending some quality time for yourself. Or take the kids to a fun place. It seems that when I started doing this it bothered my husband to know that I was capable of having a life too. He started communicating with me more when I had less time for him. It also makes you feel better to get out and laugh a little. I am not saying that my pain is gone, but I have more moments of feeling good. Hang in there.

Thank you all for your replies. Last night I took one of my daughters out to watch a movie (the others had prior obligations). The intent was to just get out and try to spend quality time with my daughter and to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, during the movie I would get flashbacks of the past 10 years and all the great times we had as a couple and as a family. Luckily the theater was dark, as I was tearing up for most of the film. It was not a good time out.

I'm here at home in the family room and all over our walls and counters and tables are framed pictures of me and her, me and the kids, her and the kids and all of us as a family through the years. There are literally over 60 pictures all over our home proving how wonderful and beautiful our lives were. How the hell can she just throw all of that away? Again, I asked her last night in a calm way why and her reply was simply, "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, there's no other guy, I just want to be alone and us sharing equal time with the kids. I have officially checked out emotionally. I am done." Again she said we should remain amicable during this process and continue to do so even after she moves out for children's sake.

This is so fucked up and it's killing me one big chunk at a time everyday.

You should brace yourself for the real possibility there is another guy. My ex wife told me the exact same thing while we tried to live together after she dumped me. It was a lie, after she moved out she was in her next relationship in 2 minutes. The sooner you can get her out of the house the better you will be. I did it for 3 weeks and finally told her to get out, go move in with her mother, it was senseless living together at that point.

We stayed living together for about 10 mos. After my stbx told me then looked at cell phone to see why he didnt have anything to say to me, he was already shared out. He refused any marriage counseling or individual help either.
So many hurtful things said in private, never fought & any discussions that we would have, he deemed as "arguing" guessing it helps justify and ease his mind for his actions. I may have spent too long hoping for reconciliation when he didn't seem to even look back. Claims he was trying and I never asked him to give up contact with his friend. In my mind I wanted it to be his choice, even so she continued contact with him. It is so important to make your marriage work, but in case has severely injured my soul and self-esteem. I guess if it wasn't this hard it would mean I wasn't true to my vows, marriage and family.
So understand and even though he's been gone for a month now, still feel pain and hurt. Don't lose yourself & stay strong.

Kbbcoop77 yes I've considered the possibility of another man, but she said she doesn't want to be in any relationships and wants to be alone to work on herself and our daughters on the days she will have them. I told her since she's already being honest about not wanting to be with me, to be honest with me about another guy as the hurt is already there. To that she said "There is nobody else. I don't know how else to convince you" I believe her, but with caution as I know she can also lie.

You are going to be ok. You can survive this. I don't understand why she can't go stay with someone else, because it must be torture to be in the same home right now. I wish you the best in dealing with the additional stress of seeing her every day and having to keep it together.

As far as trying to understand why... Just stop. That cannot be your focus right now. Obviously something is wrong, whether it's an unresolved conflict she's fed over 10 years, another man, an emotional crisis, or God only knows what else. But I promise you this, understanding her sudden change of heart will not make everything stop. It will only give you more to worry about. You'll know the cause and then, with that information, you'll set yourself to the task of trying to fix it. You may or may not be able to salvage your marriage. 50% of that is completely out of your control. However, there is one thing you are in complete control of... that's YOU.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself and your beautiful children. Maybe counseling would help. Well, I'm sure it would. But you have to find some clarity and peace. Driving yourself crazy over the "why" part won't help. Let her see you be strong. Let her see that man who has been her husband for 10 years. Let her see you in your best form. God bless you.

Charming37 thank you. She can't turn to her family because they don't support her decision to end our marriage. They think she is nuts for destroying what most people saw as the perfect family and don't want to enable her. Her friends are my friends and we don't want them to feel awkward about taking her in. So she's forced to stay in our house until she can afford to move out. I'm an analytical person by nature, a former computer engineer. To me, 1 plus 1 will always equal 2 and there should be a logical explanation for almost everything. I've always been the fixer, Ever since I can remember I'd always be the one to figure it out for everyone. I know I can't fix her (she told me she was broken) unless she let's me help. She just flat out gave up on marriage and family without putting up a fight. I accept our life as I've known it is gone and the only person i can control is me but that doesn't make me feel any relief. Thanks again for your reply.

im sad for the loss of your children's family and for you, it will be tough for all of you for awhile
please note that it is probably different for you but my wife feed me a line of bs while she was really in the midst of an affair, just be aware of the possibility
regardless, get help GET a lawyer, get custody

You can't stay married because a marriage the marriage is between the two of you. She wants to get divorced.

Having a true amicable, civil relationship with feelings inherent in what soon will be a divorce is difficult. If you said yes because you are hoping she stays, and not true to yourself, I do not see it as a better situation for the children. You and your soon to be your ex wife will not be friends for a long time to come.

Instead of wishful thinking, focus on yourself and think about the things you need to do in order to go through the painful experience of divorce.

She came home late last night, saying she went out by herself for a long drive to be alone (I believe her) and to look for a place to live. Everyone is pretty much right about living together, being friends, until she can afford to move out will be more difficult than I thought for both of us. She said being at home has now become awkward for her and she needs to move out ASAP. I told her I'm very saddened by this, but I know I cannot make her stay nor will I beg her to stay. I just made her aware that I wish she would eventually change her mind, but will not do or say anything to try to convince her or pressure her.

She said, as she said before that she has already emotionally checked out and we are done. She said she's just not good with relationships and thinks she's one of those "cat lady" types and will grow old alone. She said she got married and had a family because that's what's expected of her, knowing deep in her heart that's not her. She said she loves me a lot, but there's no more romantic feeling there.

I'm now at the point where I hope she moves out really soon, because seeing her everyday knowing she has no interest being my wife kills me. Also having her here gives me a false sense of hope that things will get better. It will hurt a ton when she does leave, as the realization of our marriage is truly over will really hit me. My heart is truly aching... My chest is actually hurting right now.

Again, she swears there is no other guy..."I don't want to be in any relationship, that's why I don't want to be married anymore, so why would I be seeing another man?" I believe her.

My soon to be ex is trying to fix us, too. And I cannot understand why Greg won't let go. I spent years trying to be the perfect wife and mother. I practically turned myself inside-out trying to be whatever it was that he needed. And yet he was always miserable, and we were never good enough. Now that I've moved out, he's trying to fix it. He is trying to talk me out of the feelings I have. And while I don't know the specifics of your situation, nor am I taking her side, I will tell you this.... Tong to fix it or talk her out of it will only push her further away. If anything, be supportive of her decision to take care of her emotional needs. Even if it kills you. Commend her on her strength. I'm sure it's Sondheim you've always admired in her. And take care of yourself. The best thing you can show her is that strong man she fell in love with. I'm not suggesting that this will stave off divorce. But I can guarantee you that she will not be convinced NOT to divorce a man who is a mess.

Well, guess what? I'm a manager at my current place of employment and about 2 months ago (before I knew or probably even before my wife knew she wanted to separate), I referred my wife for a position that recently opened within the company (another department, but the manager of that department is a professional friend of mine). She interviewed for the job and that's about it, as we thought. She got an email from that department manager this morning telling her that he would like to start the hiring process. Apparently, she got the job. I'm not taking credit for her landing the job 100%, but I do have some "influence" within the company and got her that interview and vouched for her.

Her getting that job will be what will help her to being able to afford to move out. A day that is inevitable, but I had no clue it would be me that will help her get out. Nobody knows about our potential separation and I don't think it would be good form for me to tell that department manager that our personal lives has gone to $h!t. I, at this point don't know what to think or do.

She will soon be my ex-wife, working for the same company at a job that I practically got for her. She said she is accepting the offer because she NEEDS this job.

FML!