Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Est3lle 09/28/2011

Ok - so I have been in a relationship on and off for 4 years!! We have had our ups and downs but lately we seem to have turned a corner and things have been good!!! He even proposed - I said yes and we have been talking about marriage!!!
So you can imagine my suprise when I found out he was on 4 dating websites and is actively using 1 ( for sure) - I have not confronted him yet!!! but I am not sure what to do???
Shall i just be straight and give him an ultimatum - i.e get off these sites or we are done??
I have even considered setting myself up then sending him a message on there - or even setting up a fake account to see how far he would go - but can I really be bothered to go to these lengths???
Any suggestions please!!!!

JustASimpleGuy 09/28/2011

So he proposed to you and he's still actively using a dating site? I'd say that's not a good foundation for a lifelong commitment.

Even if he cancelled his accounts do you think you could trust him to refrain from such activity in the future?

tossedaside 09/28/2011

WHOA!!!!!!! SCReeeeeech slide it to a stop. JMO

not saying it should be over, but I am saying stop the talk of marriage, he needs to come clean, stop the dating sites and trust needs to be reaffirmed for a long period before marriage takes place if it does. JMO

deleted_user 09/28/2011

Hi Est3lle
I would just confront him and just ask why are you on the dating sites. My ex gf was on a dating site where we met. She stayed on it a couple of months after we were seriously dating. I did what you suggested. I created a profile and tested her. Bad mistake. It hurt our relationship going forward. Honesty and being open is the only way to go.

deleted_user 09/28/2011

When you are testing then the other person becomes defensive. If you know he can communicate well with you then ask him but with a clean slate so that you are in a position to understand what he is saying. If you go with anger then you will only listen what you want to listen irrespective of what he is saying. Good luck!!!

oOoREBoOo 09/28/2011

I would confront him, show him the evidence and tell him this won't work for me. Listen to what he has to say, and then make up your mind from there. Good luck!

lovingmyselfirst 09/28/2011

once a cheater (liar), always a cheater(liar), i learned that the hard way and it took 20 years of my life...be careful

deleted_user 09/28/2011

I agree with everyone on here and be ready for him to try and lie/beg/chase you.

deleted_user 09/28/2011

since you are both sneaking around behind each other's back with secret activities, i would say that your chances of a decent relationship are terrible.

Est3lle 09/28/2011

Thanks for the replies - I dont feel that I have been sneaking around - he uses my laptop and when I went to hotmail he had not logged out - when I went to log him out I could see many many messages from various dating sites!!!
The worst thing is I suspect he is using my laptop to chat to some of these people!!! It just makes me sick!!!!!

TML67 09/28/2011

Based on what I read, it appears you were having second thoughts and that's how you found out. You have spent 4 years of your life with this person......what is going to change? I wouldn't waste your time setting up an account.....don't play games...that's my advice.

deleted_user 09/28/2011

I also spent 20 years of my life on someone who couldn't resist a new woman. He was always going after other woman. He loved the chase. He loved dating sites.
Now I'm 40 and not so beautiful any more. My relationship was also great sometimes but I live alone now.

deleted_user 09/28/2011

if he wont get off the sites then i would be seeing him in my rear view mirror!!!

BedHog 09/28/2011

He really has shown his true character.
Is that the kind of moral character you want to accept into your life?
People don't suddenly develop integrity because they have been caught,. It is either there or not.

deleted_user 09/28/2011

Spying on him will only hurt you in the long run, I know this by very painful experience. If he's not trustworthy now, it's doubtful he ever will be....best wishes and hugs to you

deleted_user 09/29/2011

The only advise I would say is for you not to take it lightly. He has to delete the profiles and come clean. Ask that you two separate for now and start working on your issues. Drag him along to a relationship therapist and ask him to come clean.
If you ask him to just delete the profiles and life to go on as it used to then he will know it's that easy to make up for his mistakes. Be tough and stand up for yourself and never back down. He has to earn your trust.

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