Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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For those of you who coparent

Koko
Koko

So my Stbx and I are coparenting as we proceed with the divorce.  He hasn't completely moved out but sleeps at his apartment now.  I found out where he lives after asking him directly and the kids have not been there.  Right now he comes by the house (where we used to live together in the marriage) in the morning to take care of the kids before school when I leave for work and then he has been hanging out with the kids at the house after school.  He even eats dinner with us (dinner I cooked).  It's like nothing has changed except he sleeps somewhere else and we don't talk. It is frustrating to me because he gets all the privacy and I get none. I feel like he's in my space all the time.  But I deal with it because that's what the kids are used to and want that from their dad.  


For those of you who coparent how do you deal with this situation?  Some nights I just want to stay at work late so I don't have to see him but then I feel bad that I don't see my kids.  And then I get angry thinking why should he get all the freedom and only the good parts with the kids?  I deal with the necessary stuff like cooking, laundry, paying bills, and taking care of them in middle of the night while he just scoots in here and plays games with the kids!?


I will be seeing my therapist Friday but I have a lot of anger right now...

kas2378
kas2378
Hi Koko. I run into the same thing except my kids are a little older so they don't need someone there before and right after school. But my husband comes to the house after school and hangs out, goes to lacrosse games, splits dr appointments with me, and texts me when he needs to know something like bills or needs to vent about work. It's the same as before except he does not eat dinner or sleep at the house. He's been staying with friends since we separated. I have not said anything about the time with the kids since I feel they need it too. But it does get confusing. If he wants to be gone so bad then why does he do all of this? I know he misses the kids but it doesn't help our situation. And he talks to me the same as he did before we split. Either he is not positive that this is what he wants yet or our relationship was further gone than I realized before he left. It sucks and there is no other way to say it. I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out with my therapist too.
serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
Well in the beginning we didn't have this. We didn't talk or see each other. I watched my kids go into his place and he did the same at mine. We had no communication mostly because of him. Even at events we sat away from each other. Coparenting isn't easy tho.
Koko
Koko
The problem is he is sure he is done with me but does not want to change the dynamics of how we parent. It really benefits him - he comes and goes as he pleases and gets to be the fun dad. I just think it's unfair that I should have an open door policy for my house but I get no information from him on his new place or whereabouts. I only tolerate it because the kids miss him so much when he is gone and want to be with him since he was always a very involved dad.
BeautyBeholder
BeautyBeholder
Koko I totally understand what you are dealing with, except you are a step further than me in that at least he doesn't sleep under the same roof as you. It sucks, it really does because I want to completely change my life but I'm in this horrible limbo. I can't even do yoga in peace or laugh with a girlfriend over the phone about men because I'm sure he could just walk in or be around the corner, but if we lived separately AND he didn't come around uninvited life would be a lot easier. Personally when I get to that phase where we are not living together if he wants to see our child, it will have to be out of the house, there will be no big happy (fake) family situation going on with us. We did not break up the family, go through all the bad stuff and suffer only to have things be exactly as they were before !?! oh heck no! shoot me now puleeeez!
I really feel your discomfort Koko, that is not fair. and if you have to put your foot down for some boundaries and privacy I highly doubt the kids will hate you, but at least mommy will have peace of mind.
Koko
Koko
Beauty- thanks. I thought I could do it but it is really hard on me.

He just texted and said he wanted to take the kids out to dinner tomorrow. Okay so it's fine that you eat the food I ordered on Saturday and the food I made yesterday without any offer to pay for it!? I just feel used.
jojored
jojored
You are being used. I think it's time that you kick his sorry ass out of la-la land. He needs to start acting as if this divorce is real. He should start setting up some overnights or weekends with the kids, because eventually that's the reality they will be living. You need some space for yourself, and although I'm sure you will miss the kids when they're with him, it could prove beneficial. You'll have time to cook, clean, shop, do errands, so that when they're with you, you'll have more free time with them to be a 'fun' mom, not just the usual mom-servant. If it benefits you to have him there in the mornings to get them ready for school, and after school, then so-be-it. When dinner time rolls around, I'd tell him that either the kids are eating at your house or his. Breaking bread with a stbx is a sure recipie for indigestion! I know it's hard looking down the road, but try to start thinking about what the future will be like for your kids, in having two homes. Ease them into it. And start putting your needs out there, tell him you need to limit contact with him. Fun and games time is over.
BeautyBeholder
BeautyBeholder
I couldn't have said it better myself jojored, you do need to think about yourself for the reason that if you don't the kids wont have a fun times mom . And I will echo that you should definitely make use of the mornings help he offers.
He is doing what benefits him at the moment, it's time to do the same.
no more freebies, what is it with these guys!? lol
Koko
Koko
Ha mom servant is a great term for it! Had a very rough night today. I was already annoyed by the text I got from my ex and of course my son got a D on his math test. I completely lost it when he threw a tantrum about doing his homework. I really need to get in a good emotional state so I can be a better mom.
BeautyBeholder
BeautyBeholder
You are not a " Bad mom" the fact that you even care what was is going on with your sons grades is proof of that. We've all been guilty of "having it up to here" with our kids whom we love and would give our lives for, but the little *#^ 's can really test our patience at times too! lol
I pray tomorrow will be a better day for you emotionally, you are a great mom and woman!
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