Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Here's my story. I've learned a lot and gained some perspective from reading others' posts here as I've struggled with the ending of my marriage.
We were together 19 years. Married 11 years. I am 41, she is 39. I basically spent my whole adult life with her. We have an 8-year-old daughter.
The last couple of years things were not that great. I knew we were a bit "off", but I didn't realize until recently how bad it was. Apparently my wife had a better sense of how bad things were, but never thought to talk to me about it. She is awful with communication. I and was pretty bad during that time.
Some more context: she is a doctor and works a lot of hours. Since we moved 5 years ago for her job, she has made a lot of contacts/friends among her doc/nurse colleagues. She is also very outgoing. I am a work-from-home software engineer. We moved for her career and I was able to switch to telecommuting. I am an introvert. You see where this is going. Due to her work hours a lot of the child care work, especially on weekday evenings (and every 4th weekend that my wife worked), was my responsibility. Also, I am home all the time. Took care of all the house maintenance stuff, bills, etc. Cooked most of the meals. But I let my social life atrophy. Since moving I have done a terrible job of making local friends, basically focusing on job, house, daughter.
When things were not-so-great between us, there was some constant low-level animosity. For me, I was feeling neglected and jealous of her social life. On her side I guess she felt that I never wanted to go out and do things. I feel like she almost flaunted her social life and I felt put-upon - like I was just the babysitter enabling her life.
9 weeks ago this all hit home really hard - I looked back and saw a lot of troubling signs that seemed to indicate she may be cheating on me. Also during the difficult period she started running regularly, lost weight, spent more time/effort on clothing and makeup, etc. So I had a heart-to-heart conversation (years too late!) with her. She said she was NOT cheating on me, but she was depressed, and seeing a therapist. She said her therapist thinks we should do marriage counseling. I agreed wholeheartedly, and we started.
But she wasn't really invested in it. I made an effort. Her efforts were half-hearted. I couldn't even give her a hug without feeling like she was drawing away. It was a painful 8 weeks during which there were some OK times and some rough times - but it was clear to me that she was not willing/able to show affection towards me anymore. Last week we had our last marriage counseling session and she told me she wanted a divorce. While I suppose this shouldn't have been surprising, of course it still hit hard. And given that I can tell she doesn't give a crap about me any more, there was really nothing more I could say/do about it.
I still think there's a pretty good likelihood that she cheated or is cheating, or at least has her heart set on someone else. But I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it?
So this is day 5. I managed to avoid drinking tonight. My primary support system has been my brother. Now my family knows, and some old friends who aren't local.
In addition to recovering from divorce, I have to somehow try to rebuild my social network/social life and get out, meet some people, make some new friends. It is terrifyingly difficult while enduring the psychological pain.
I have already found a new place to live so I can get out of the house and get away, but can't move in for two months yet. Also, we want to wait a while to tell our daughter for her sake, so I somehow need to keep trying to pretend things are somewhat normal.
Any thoughts? Advice? Is the first week the worst? Will each week gradually get better or is it too hard to predict? I try to focus on positive thoughts but often fail. Thoughts like: she is not the person I married anymore. I don't like the "new" her. I deserve someone who will appreciate me. But of course I fall into the same trap that probably everyone does, feeling rejected, like I'll never find someone "good" again, and of course I have my natural introversion to make it seem all the harder to ever meet someone new. And a lack of local friends.
So that's my story.
We were together 19 years. Married 11 years. I am 41, she is 39. I basically spent my whole adult life with her. We have an 8-year-old daughter.
The last couple of years things were not that great. I knew we were a bit "off", but I didn't realize until recently how bad it was. Apparently my wife had a better sense of how bad things were, but never thought to talk to me about it. She is awful with communication. I and was pretty bad during that time.
Some more context: she is a doctor and works a lot of hours. Since we moved 5 years ago for her job, she has made a lot of contacts/friends among her doc/nurse colleagues. She is also very outgoing. I am a work-from-home software engineer. We moved for her career and I was able to switch to telecommuting. I am an introvert. You see where this is going. Due to her work hours a lot of the child care work, especially on weekday evenings (and every 4th weekend that my wife worked), was my responsibility. Also, I am home all the time. Took care of all the house maintenance stuff, bills, etc. Cooked most of the meals. But I let my social life atrophy. Since moving I have done a terrible job of making local friends, basically focusing on job, house, daughter.
When things were not-so-great between us, there was some constant low-level animosity. For me, I was feeling neglected and jealous of her social life. On her side I guess she felt that I never wanted to go out and do things. I feel like she almost flaunted her social life and I felt put-upon - like I was just the babysitter enabling her life.
9 weeks ago this all hit home really hard - I looked back and saw a lot of troubling signs that seemed to indicate she may be cheating on me. Also during the difficult period she started running regularly, lost weight, spent more time/effort on clothing and makeup, etc. So I had a heart-to-heart conversation (years too late!) with her. She said she was NOT cheating on me, but she was depressed, and seeing a therapist. She said her therapist thinks we should do marriage counseling. I agreed wholeheartedly, and we started.
But she wasn't really invested in it. I made an effort. Her efforts were half-hearted. I couldn't even give her a hug without feeling like she was drawing away. It was a painful 8 weeks during which there were some OK times and some rough times - but it was clear to me that she was not willing/able to show affection towards me anymore. Last week we had our last marriage counseling session and she told me she wanted a divorce. While I suppose this shouldn't have been surprising, of course it still hit hard. And given that I can tell she doesn't give a crap about me any more, there was really nothing more I could say/do about it.
I still think there's a pretty good likelihood that she cheated or is cheating, or at least has her heart set on someone else. But I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it?
So this is day 5. I managed to avoid drinking tonight. My primary support system has been my brother. Now my family knows, and some old friends who aren't local.
In addition to recovering from divorce, I have to somehow try to rebuild my social network/social life and get out, meet some people, make some new friends. It is terrifyingly difficult while enduring the psychological pain.
I have already found a new place to live so I can get out of the house and get away, but can't move in for two months yet. Also, we want to wait a while to tell our daughter for her sake, so I somehow need to keep trying to pretend things are somewhat normal.
Any thoughts? Advice? Is the first week the worst? Will each week gradually get better or is it too hard to predict? I try to focus on positive thoughts but often fail. Thoughts like: she is not the person I married anymore. I don't like the "new" her. I deserve someone who will appreciate me. But of course I fall into the same trap that probably everyone does, feeling rejected, like I'll never find someone "good" again, and of course I have my natural introversion to make it seem all the harder to ever meet someone new. And a lack of local friends.
So that's my story.
All of the feelings you describe are perfectly normal.The process is a long, winding, roller coaster ride. It's especially hard when you're still living in the same house. You may want to continue in individual therapy to help deal with all of he emotions that will arise. Divorce Care can also be very useful, especially if you don't have a support system locally. There's also Divorce Care for Kids which might help your daughter process her emotions when the time comes. This might also be a good time to check out some meetups to find some friends with similar interests. Keeping busy has helped me maintain my sanity during this process.
The people in this group are awesome. Their advice has helped me through some really dark days.
Its a pretty huge roller coaster and it is not a easy one to get off but its important to remember that it is temporary and does get better with time and moving forwards. This is your time to re-claim yourself. I can relate to be introvert and having an outgoing partner but that is also part of the whole oppostite attact and balance things out.
People become complacent in relationships and its important to keep the spark but also very difficult with a child and not realizing that things are slowly slipping away and with that ones mind waders to other pastures of excitement and new.
Keep busy, get healthy, get some new clothes, hairstyle and start little ways to renivent yourself and keeping busy will help the time pass. I honestly became the best me after tough breakups and i hope the same for you
Good luck to you and your daughter.
My stbx changed his eating drastically and lost 30 pounds added lock on phone due to his job (same job he had for last 4 yrs)..I fully trusted and never questioned, we'd been together for 25 yrs. Texting records from phone bill about a month after him letting me know he wasn't "in love" with me. I spent 10 months trying to save my family and continually chose her over me, same with her over her spouse.
This is the hardest process I've ever gone through and hard on kids, but I would say to never let it drag this long if she isn't fully into or wanting to try. Bless you & don't orget to take care of you.
The fact is you were left in an isolated and lonely place because you supported her career
I did the same thing.....and was left the same way.....wanted to party more....I wasn't smart enough anymore....not interesting any more etc etc
It has been a torturous process
I joined a divorce group/ course
meet up group
and did online dating
had some nice coffee dates....met some interesting women
had a few girlfriends
and 1 1/2 years later got very close with a friend from work....and we are in a very loving and supportive and hopeful relationship
I moved out of the house last year and am getting my own apartment
Ups and downs continue
friends are a great support...phone calls
and family phone calls
You can get there
It takes a long time....i figure I have a year left to go
But in the meantime life has got so much better
Hang in there....reach out....do things that are interesting to you, as long as it involves other people
Big hugs to you!!
Missy, I am seeing a therapist weekly for now. It helps a little but I guess there is just no way to really avoid the pain. Keeping busy is good advice; I have been all over meetup.com trying to find events to attend that fit my interests. I have scheduled a couple of them.
Sadwhale, thanks. Becoming the best me I can is my ultimate goal. When I met the women with whom I shared the two most serious relationships in my life, in both cases I was at a point where I was reasonably happy being me, even alone, and I think that made me more attractive. Somehow I need to get there again.
kbbcoop77, I need to keep repeating that: "she isn't the same woman anymore..." over and over. And since I think there is a rather high probability that she has cheated/is cheating, then she is a pretty shitty person in fact.
loosingthebattle - yes, the phone lock! A few months ago. So many red flags.
murphytoronto - thank you so much for writing this: "The fact is you were left in an isolated and lonely place because you supported her career". That is the way I see it also. She thinks I was resistant to going out and doing things. That was only partially true, and only some things. And also I was just in a bit over my head with everything on my plate. Your story does give hope.
prettymamakitty - thanks for your perspective. Honestly it is a little scary to hear people that are 6 months, 1 year, even 1.5 years into this saying that they are still in pain and there is more healing to do. I know that is totally normal and expected but I want to "fix" things and "right" things and there just isn't a damn thing I can do but suffer for a fairly long time period. Ugh.
Broken234 - blame shifting. Yes. During the time she was going out excessively and neglecting me, she seemed to really be flaunting it. In marriage counseling she said something like "how come you didn't express any interest in being with ME?" But I was feeling hurt and ignored and - used! Used as a babysitter. There was some blame on both sides but I think it falls heavier on the one with the social network and the freedom to go out on the drop of a hat rather than the one who has given up weeknight activities to be home for the kid.
coop and ChiTown - We are selling the house; it is too big for either split household and more expensive than I want on my own salary. She said she wants to live in it until it sells for convenience, monetary reasons, and because her beloved treadmill is here (really!). She said I am welcome to stay also. But we all know that is a bad idea. I signed a lease today starting 7/1 (the only 2br rental in town, and it's actually a nice place/location, so I jumped on it) so I can't get out earlier unless I find a hotel or start couch surfing (my brother has offered). If it gets bad being here I will do those things though. But we are still trying to keep it from my daughter to delay her pain. Maybe until end of the school year. But it is absolutely infuriating to watch my wife walk around without a care in the world, chuckling over Facebook post, etc, while I am going through this. As far as the attorney goes, we are doing mediation. But I am going to talk to someone on the side to make sure I am getting my due.
Hang In there, there's no magic bullet, it's a slow process..I've read every website, blog, book and article I could find to try and make sense of it all and it just boils down to You cannot control someone else's feelings. Look after yourself now...take care
And she wants to be all friendly while we are still living at home (hey, she's not suffering, right?). I mean, we both work a lot so it still makes sense to plan out the food shopping and meals, etc. So I am still in this pattern, being her roommate. But I distance myself whenever I can, I retreat to my office after my daughter goes to bed. I go out with my brother (lacking local friends, he has really stepped up) when I can. I will hang in a while longer until I can move into my own place. Those first few nights will be awful I think, but then it will get better.
In any case, I will probably start writing up a long treatise on "why my former wife is a piece of shit and I should be glad she's gone" to read daily. The day she told me she wanted the divorce, and I knew for real how things stood, I took off the wedding ring for good. And started throwing away things she gave me. Anyone know a good place to sell a platinum wedding band and not get ripped off?
Anyway, thank YOU coop for saying that I seem to have a decent plan in place. And thank you everyone on this website because it is from reading all your stories that I really gained perspective.
Today it's more pain than anything. Struggling a bit. But I definitely don't have the false hopes of reconciliation or anything like that.
My problem is I desperately want to "fix" myself and am very impatient about it. Almost manic in a way. Sitting around working at home is maddening at this time. I know I need to get out more, see people, start making new friends, etc. And I am making efforts to find ways to do that. But in between I am still here alone with my thoughts.
And for the relationship pain I am already imagining dating someone, what it would be like, thinking about online dating services etc. Way, way, way too soon but I feel like being out on a date and being appreciated would be so healing. I have not felt appreciated in a long time. But of course it's not right to do that to someone else.
One interesting thing is that as I focus on my STBX's personality and behavior, I find that I am not really drawn to her in that way so much. I am drawn a bit to some of her mannerisms and quirks as we have been together so long - they seem endearing. And I am drawn to her physically, especially since she "reinvented" herself (but apparently not for me). But beyond that, there is a lot I don't like about her and I am trying to focus on that.
As far as dating...take that really slow. We arent 22 anymore lol. That worked then but not so much now. I tried it...and I firmly believe you need some healing time. Im 14 months out since breakup and have dated twice and it was fun..but not the panacea you seek. Do it for fun if thats all you expect. If your looking for a solution to the pain..that aint it. I broke it off and decided Im taking a serious break from dating. Im focusing on my daughter and myself. As comforting as a relationship sounds, once you are on your own for awhile you will be surprised how hard a relationship really sounds. I dont want one now, but early on I thought I did. But that was just trying to fill a void that wasnt really there...learn to be alone for awhile. Im now starting to enjoy it. It was really hard at first...like REALLY HARD. After 24 years i was lost. But after 14 months...Im starting to appreciate it, and really that means you just need the time to adjust to it and get used to it, there is no short cut. But it gives you some leverage, not settling so quick for a quick fix. Trust me on this. Take your time, Im glad I did!