Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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JosefPronek 09/04/2016

I am currently going through a divorce of 10 years. From the start it was turbulent relationship. My wife and I were both first-borns from large families. We put a lot of effort into staying together for reasons other than love and devotion to each other. After a lot of trauma and drama, we are finally admitting that this relationship has not worked and we need to separate to heal.

We have two young kids and are doing all we can to work together for their best interest. From what I understand the circumstance of having a good working relationship is pretty rare.

I have perfectionist tendencies. Or maybe I have been so much time and energy hiding my faults and mistakes behind new successes. Yet I feel the pangs of failure in this situation.

My fear in even broaching the hurdle of separation stems from losing the confidence of friends and colleagues. I am an extremely hard worker and produce amazing results. People put me on a pedestal and I try hard to exceed their expectations. A divorce feels like a blemish, and I don't know if that is even the right way of seeing it. But I'm putting it out here to get it out of my system.

I know this experience is much more common... that marriages and relationships end. Clearly this is the case for me. It needs to end and I feel I will be healthier for it in the long-run. The dynamics are just not good, and they've never truly been.

My feelings of guilt feel compounded by the fact that I was raised in an ultra-traditional / religious family. Also, being highly competent, I later came to realize that my marriage is one of co-dependency rather than strength and health. In the past I've stayed in the relationship more out of guilt than a genuine desire to be there. It took a lot of courage to finally say aloud that this arrangement needs to change.

Is it wrong to worry about being hurt socially or professionally because of a divorce? Staying in it to keep up appearances just isn't feasible. I want health, happiness, and function. Then why am I struggling with guilt?

Just putting it out there... Not sure who I can talk to and dig deep with...

Any insights?

Thanks.

J.P.

samantha717 09/04/2016

Hi! None of what you are feeling is "wrong." It's just where you are at right now. My therapist once told me that guilt tells you "I am making a mistake" while shame tells you "I am a mistake." Your feeling guilty is perfectly normal in the beginning I think. I know I certainly felt like I was making a mistake at first and I am divorcing a man who abused me for 23 years! I think it was mostly fear of the unknown. I had only worked part-time for 12 years and had no idea how I was going to support myself. Additionally, a lot of us worry about what divorce will do to our children, because even in the best of divorces, they are going to experience changes too. I don't look at divorce as being a failure though. I was actually quite proud of myself for being able to leave a bad marriage. A lot of people aren't. One essential thing in being a good leader, which it sounds like you strive for, is knowing when to cut your losses. Two things that really helped me a lot were and are posting on this forum and getting into therapy. I can see that you are struggling to make sense of your marriage and your new vision of yourself so therapy would be very useful. Please don't think of that as a failure either. Lots of very successful people go to therapy for a variety of reasons. I went to Psychology Today's website and found a therapist. You can put your zip code in and get a list of therapists in your area and info on them like where they went to school, what their specialties are, etc.

strongandsilent 09/05/2016

Your feelings aren't "wrong". I can imagine how hard it was to write - good for you.

I had a lot of different emotions when my husband let me - grief, disbelief, guilt because I thought I should have "seen" it and done something sooner. But the emotion I could not voice was humiliation. Humiliation for having failed at such a fundamental and foundational thing - my marriage. The humiliation was worsened by the fact that I am pretty much the only person in my social circle who is divorced. I knew no one. I eventually found 2 people, but divorce is much more rare than I would ever have thought. It has taken 2 years but I manage it better now. It still feels like a stigma. But I deal with it by having as sane a co-parenting relationship as possible. That is my "success" criteria now.

samantha717 09/05/2016

I ran a domestic abuse support group for six years. In that group, I saw women (and men) from all social classes. I, myself, live in an area where divorce is not common. Of all my friends, only two are divorced and both because of extreme circumstances. That being said, I just want to point out that you may not know many (or any) people who are divorced, but I guarantee you that does NOT mean they are all happily married. For years, most people saw stbx and I as a very happy couple. In fact, we were called "the power couple" in our younger years. Behind closed doors though it was a completely different story. He was abusive and I was struggling to survive and raise our child essentially alone. Sure, he made a six figure salary and was very successful at work, but he was also a functional alcoholic who drank every night and started dumping his empty liquor bottles somewhere else so the neighbors wouldn't seem them piled up in our trash can every trash day. The only thing that kept me from leaving him was that I had no money and nowhere else to go ... the two main ways an abuser makes sure you won't leave him. So in terms of "failure," when does exactly does that happen? When you stop sleeping together? When you stop buying each other birthday gifts? When you stop loving someone? When you stop putting on the dog and pony show? I guess that's something we have to define for ourselves. For me, my only sense of "failure" comes from seeing that my daughter suffered from living in our dysfunctional house far more than I realized. As for any feelings of "failure" socially, I have none. It's not my job to make my friends and neighbors feel good about their own broken marriages. They may tsk, tsk about your divorce in the health club or the Nordstrom's cafe, but I guarantee you that many of them privately envy you for having the courage to pull the plug on a miserable marriage and make a happier life for yourself. Remember, misery loves company.

JosefPronek 09/05/2016

Wow... Thank you everyone for the insights. I will not miss the dog and pony show at all. It was so much energy. I want to live a life that genuinely reflects my values. That caused conflict almost from the beginning... I just feel that I've grown and changed a lot. Unfortunately, alcohol addiction and PTSD as a war vet played a big role in my marriage. I recognized later that I was in no shape or form healthy enough for a major relationship, let alone the responsibility of marriage and kids.

But the relationship was also codependent. I felt for a long time that my wife benefited from alcoholism. I make good money and am a very hard worker, also dutiful and conscientious, maybe to a fault. Although I did not drink everyday, when I did I would check out, usually because I felt under great stress in all areas of my life, and home was hardly the refugee I also hoped it could be.

Misery does love company. I thought that by quitting alcohol and seeking therapy, my marriage and problems would get better. Not the case. It's as if my move towards health only upset the balance. Like if I had never reached out, tried to heal, things would just continue on status quo.

Very few of my family really know or understand just how much pain I was in. I think they will view it in a negative light, because they held great expectations for me. I tried hard to be perfect, yet it becomes clearer that I was not... not even close.

I hope to better understand that difference between guilt and shame. I am not ashamed of seeking help and health. I do feel guilt as I was not the best husband I could have been. I just had too many fires I was trying to put out, while trying to convince everyone I had it all under control. So it's a bridge that needs to be crossed... and finally.

Thanks for the insights... I think I'm going to like posting on this forum. Feels good to finally be getting this stuff out of my system... to get some perspective. I have spent my entire life in silence.

samantha717 09/05/2016

You said that your trying to get healthy seemed to upset the balance in your family. There is a guy named John Bradshaw who has written several books on addictions and the family. Years ago, he had a series on PBS that I loved to watch. It was my attempt to get the therapy that I couldn't afford at the time to understand what happened to me and my family. Anyway, he had a mobile that hung from the ceiling. It was a big one with lots of colorful shaped pieces dangling at all different lengths. He explained that the mobile represented a dysfunctional family. He clipped off one of the hanging pieces and suddenly the whole mobile went lopsided. He said that's what happens when a member of a dysfunctional family tries to get healthy. It upsets the delicate balance of the whole family. Consequently, they put a lot of pressure on that person to get back into the dysfunctional fold, because if he/she doesn't, that means other people in that fold are going to have to change to accommodate the lose and try to recover balance and dysfunctional people, addicts especially, don't like change. It was a powerful visual and made a lot of sense to me. I've never forgotten the message.

mirandac 09/05/2016

Have you gone to any 12 step groups to help you?
Those are the issues that they were designed
For. Its Not really to heal the marriage but to heal
You from the effects of addiction and dysfunction.

I attend alanon and my ex AA it did not solve
Our problems. I was willing he was not and it
Was too far gone really. Some can make it if
There is enough love and committment left.
It takes two mature willing adult to make a
Healthy marriage. HUGS

ClearDay1 09/05/2016

Sam! I was just thinking about that very example from John Bradshaw's show the other day! Isn't that weird? That show was on YEARS ago and it must have triggered something for me.

I was even thinking about ordering a really pretty one to hang symbolically around here.

JosefPronek 09/05/2016

Thanks Samantha. I didn't know about John Bradshaw but I will definitely look that up. That analogy actually sounds really accurate. I had this idea that pursuing greater health would be welcome by my family. I know that they do love and support me. But it also seems that they'd feel better if everything played out how they envision it? If that even makes sense..

I'll look into John Bradshaw's work today.

Mirandc -- I've attended AA meetings and I am 8 months sober. That's the longest I've been in 10 years. I learned tons about addiction and it was very helpful for me. My soon-to-be exwife doesn't drink. She was skeptical and ambivalent throughout. Honestly it hurt that she never offered words of encouragement. But I also understand that she was hurt too.

I thought getting healthy is what I needed to do... to finally be a better person and a better father especially. I have no regrets about that at all. There's no doubt that I made mistakes in my long struggle to improve. But remaining stagnant was no longer an option.

I guess I'm kind of grieving inside. I had really thought that as I improved, everything else in my life would also elevate. And it has in many, many ways. Except the marriage. And that's thrown me for a loop.

mirandac 09/05/2016

Alanon helps too when you feel ready its more the
Healthy inner stuff and relationships than AA. There
Are many double winners. My ex has been dry for 30
Years just not emotionally or spiritually sober and it
Has taken a massive toll when he started to embrace
His disease and or his coping skills were very limited
And immature. Not saying i dont have my blame too.

There are two sides to every dysfunctional coin.

Keep doing whats best seek therapy too not MC
Unless you think it would help. I have beat every
Bush i could find. My ex just found new relationships
Were his answer instead on working on us. He
started AA in 2011 it never got better only worse.

I understand your grief i have been grieving For
quite awhile now and i am still am to be Honest.
I have been divorced for 15 months,no contact
and i moved. HUGS

samantha717 09/05/2016

I can see where you would probably feel betrayed because you finally succeeded at becoming sober, but the prize failed to materialize. Did she blame your drinking for things that went wrong in the house? My first husband was an alcoholic who beat me black and blue and bloody. He never stopped drinking, but I went to Alanon because I was so desperate for help. I was there for two years. In that time, I saw many fellow members who were dismayed to find when their spouses quit drinking, their marriages did not improve and in a lot of cases actually got worse. There were many reasons why from what I could deduce. Mainly though, even though they resented the drinking, they got used to living essentially a single life where they made most of the decisions regarding the running of the house and the raising of the children. Now that their spouse was sober, he was taking more of an interest in these things and even disagreeing with some of the ways things were being done. I also know there was a lot of built up resentment over the years that wasn't going away easily. I'm not saying any of this applies to your marriage, but I am saying that what you are experiencing is a lot more common than you think.

mirandac 09/05/2016

My ex had so many resentments you could shake
a stick At them, it was ridiculous. Get rid of one he
had a 1,000 More to go this was going on when he
was attending AA.

I thought i was living with a crack addict, it was Bizarre
and crazymaking while he was supposedly Working on
his emotional sobriety. I guess he did Not like me to well
and had a well of bad feelings And emotions and i was to
blame for.

Sam hit on another good point control issues was
A huge factor when xh was more home based he
Wanted to be in total control of the house and our
Life. He had been always off working before now
He was at home more.

The control issues that was the point the Marriage
started dissolving and nose diving. He started behaving
in a very passive aggressive Manner. That tit for tat
stuff As childish as you could possibly get. HUGS

giddy_eagle 09/15/2016

Josef -- I want to encourage you to keep writing and sharing yourself. You are very articulate in expressing yourself and revealing your process. It's beautiful to hear a man talk so honestly and openly about his struggles and fears. It's a trigger for me in that my STBX couldn't or wouldn't do that for me. He hid behind lies and had affairs for years.

JosefPronek 09/15/2016

Thank you. Thanks for the encouragement. I've been striving for the same authenticity in my daily life. It is a struggle just to reach this point. And I cannot say that I've always been faithful and true in my relationships. I tried harder than anyone until buckling under tremendous grief and stress.

Opening up for men is complicated. I've been fortunate to find a few wise friends who encouraged me to do so. For many years I said nothing of my pain to anyone. I didn't even know that it was a thing.

I hid for many reasons, but mostly because I wanted to feel safe. To not feel pain. It's natural.

I think we're hardwired that way. But I am so glad that I am choosing a new direction in life.

In fact, I logged on just now because I've been questioning my sobriety. I'm not going to drink. I've spent almost all of this year without drinking.

It's like waking up from a bad dream. There was just too much I didn't understand about being in a relationship. I never had healthy examples. There was a lot of verbal abuse and violence in our childhoods. I joined the Marines -- where verbal abuse and violence were standard. Then ran straight into a serious relationship and family life. I had no sane clue what I was doing...

I get down because of the mistakes I made. Yet I also know I was bound to make them. I'm trying to be a better dad each day. It's a slow process trying to relate to my STBX. I don't hate her. She was unfaithful to me years ago. If I knew anything about anything, I would have taken that as a sign and ran.

But I didn't know any better. Than before one could blink, we had a son. For these years I've been kicking the can, doubling down again and again on a relationship that was never meant to work.

I'm grateful for all we tried to do together. But the more sober I get, sometimes, the tougher our relationship gets. Maybe because I'm not hiding anymore.

It's really nice to see your comment, giddy.

Thanks.

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