Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I got married last January, separated in April. I'm so distraught over this...basically my soon to be ex MIL has an undiagnosed mental illness. Trust me, I've discussed her history and many of her behaviors to my own counselor and she agrees that there is definitely something not right. Anyway, MIL had said some things I took strong offense to and my husband confronted her. Well, she got him to turn on me and he started giving me books on MIL/DIL relationships. Books that MIL had found recommended on grandparents.com (hate that website, it's for a bunch of entitled you know whats...). The books said that there was no such thing as a nuclear family, etc.
We fought a lot about this and the fact that I felt like he had betrayed me. It's been a long separation and I had started the divorce process when my husband decided he wanted to talk. He said he realized he'd made many mistakes (this is his second marriage, his first marriage ended after only a year as well, due to MIL and other family members telling my husband that it was either her or them...ugh...yeah I know, BIG red flag.). So we got together. I had given him articles on the importance of "leaving and cleaving" to your spouse and he seemed like he was really getting it. We were talking about going back to counseling (had tried once, but he quit after a few sessions) and even maybe going on dates.
On Thanksgiving, I tried calling him. He didn't answer so I just sent him a text saying that I loved him and that I was really missing him. He didn't respond until the next day, only saying that "the day was different, that's for sure." Broke my heart.
Then yesterday he sends me a text, asking if we could talk later (he's a cop and was on duty). I told him that would be fine and then he says he's all confused and doesn't know what he wants anymore. He tells me his mom needs to be an influence in his kids' lives and he's "torn" because I won't allow that. And that's true. I think that if you're rude and disrespectful to your DIL you shouldn't get to have any "influence" on your grandkids. I'd already told him I was fine with supervised visits, but that no, she wouldn't be taking our kids for frequent sleepovers, and we wouldn't be staying at their vacation homes for weekends at a time.
I'm pretty sure that on Thanksgiving, MIL laid into him about her "needs" (she's famous for going around saying "I take (her favorite grandson) anytime I want because I have needs!") and so I think that is where all of this is coming from. I've decided to go ahead with the divorce and I'm going to pick up my things the weekend before Christmas (can't get help until then).
Really feeling devastated. Thank you for reading.
We fought a lot about this and the fact that I felt like he had betrayed me. It's been a long separation and I had started the divorce process when my husband decided he wanted to talk. He said he realized he'd made many mistakes (this is his second marriage, his first marriage ended after only a year as well, due to MIL and other family members telling my husband that it was either her or them...ugh...yeah I know, BIG red flag.). So we got together. I had given him articles on the importance of "leaving and cleaving" to your spouse and he seemed like he was really getting it. We were talking about going back to counseling (had tried once, but he quit after a few sessions) and even maybe going on dates.
On Thanksgiving, I tried calling him. He didn't answer so I just sent him a text saying that I loved him and that I was really missing him. He didn't respond until the next day, only saying that "the day was different, that's for sure." Broke my heart.
Then yesterday he sends me a text, asking if we could talk later (he's a cop and was on duty). I told him that would be fine and then he says he's all confused and doesn't know what he wants anymore. He tells me his mom needs to be an influence in his kids' lives and he's "torn" because I won't allow that. And that's true. I think that if you're rude and disrespectful to your DIL you shouldn't get to have any "influence" on your grandkids. I'd already told him I was fine with supervised visits, but that no, she wouldn't be taking our kids for frequent sleepovers, and we wouldn't be staying at their vacation homes for weekends at a time.
I'm pretty sure that on Thanksgiving, MIL laid into him about her "needs" (she's famous for going around saying "I take (her favorite grandson) anytime I want because I have needs!") and so I think that is where all of this is coming from. I've decided to go ahead with the divorce and I'm going to pick up my things the weekend before Christmas (can't get help until then).
Really feeling devastated. Thank you for reading.
Just my opinion, but you already gave it a shot with this guy and this will never work because of his mother. I think he will have a REALLY tough time trying to find someone who will put up with her and that is why he keeps trying to get his foot back in the door with you.
I think you could do much better. No hurry, be on your own for awhile to heal.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
I was hugely naive in thinking that when I married her, we would be equal partners working at meeting the challenges of life together, rather than as competitors.
Your spouse is supposed to come first, then everyone else in the world, or so I thought.
I wish you luck, but all the luck in the world isn't going to do much good unless your spouse can be convinced to put you before his mother or anyone else.
Shame on her for putting him in that position and shame on him for being such a mama's boy.
To be fair, my mother hasn't always kept her nose out of the marriage, but she doesn't live with us either. I could have done a better job earlier in the marriage of keeping my mother out, but what's done is done.
It's sounds like your MIL is very manipulative, and your husband doesn't have it in him to be his own person. I wish you all the best, and hope you can get a clean break.
I think you are wise for getting out of this now and not investing any more time in a marriage where your MIL controls what your husband does. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best for your future and now his mother can have him all to herself.
Sorry I guess I just rambled there...
To me, when you get married, you are creating a family with the person you marry. That while your blood family is important, so is the family you are creating with the person you are marrying. That they should be of some equal importance and that compromise should be visited and worked out in all cases. Unfortunately, not everyone see's it that way.
My guess with your husband is that his mother does influence him quite a bit. That she is on his tail all the time about the relationship he should have with her, and his kids should have with her and for whatever reason, what ever has been the relationship between he and his mother, she tends to outweigh what he has with you. So he is struggling. You giving ultimatums and making hard core decisions on what will happen, puts him in the middle. I am not saying its wrong, but it has become what is the wedge between you and he.
Your decision to bail on the relationship because of this is probably what you feel is wise for you, and it probably is. But at the same time, it is probably causing him to dig his heals in further cus maybe his hopes are that whoever he is married to, will understand and make adjustments to please his mother, just like he makes adjustments in his own life to please his mom.
Its unfortunate that the relationship will fail cus no one will willing to be flexible or compromise, but it is inevitable because of it.
best of luck on your decision as you move forward.
I am asking to compromise - it's unrealistic for a husband to ask his wife to spend all of her time with his family. I've offered up going to visit his parents every other weekend and staying for an afternoon but HE's being inflexible, demanding that we stay the entire weekend.
I guess because he allows his family bonds to interfere and have such a strong hold on him, it .. of he... puts himself in the middle of you and the your families needs and what his mother wants.
Some men .. and women, can differentiate the two and some can not. It all depends on what each person feels about how their "family" should be. You have stated what you feel about yours and he is obviously sticking with what he feels is his. So yeh, your decision to do what you need to is for the better of you and what you want for you and your family.
makes sense.