Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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So as not to hijack someone else's topic, I'm starting a new thread.
I got a text Saturday from my Ex inviting me to "join us for the traditional Father's Day cookout? Usual steaks" After agonizing over it, I respectfully declined. I wanted to protect myself from hearing her gushing to her family about her new guy.
Now she just sent me a text:
"[name withheld's] mom just invited [my son] to his birthday party on the 20th from 12-4. He wants to go.
BTW, it was [my son] who invited you to the Father's Day BBQ that you declined. He's accepted that you said no, so I told him I'd give him a gift certificate to take you to breakfast. Would Country Diner work?"
So now I feel super guilty for saying no to the BBQ, but I know she would be talking to her family about her new guy, and it would be tense. Of course, she'd tell me it would only be tense if I made it tense, but come on, don't I have a right to protect myself some?
Also, I spent $200 on her for Mother's day and came up with very thoughtful gifts. A $10 breakfast certificate isn't quite the same, but I guess I'm not surprised.
I replied with an explanation about why I can't come to the BBQ, how it is awkward to be asked just as she told me it was awkward of me to ask her if I could participate in her Mother's day. I said "This way there will be no tension and you will be free to talk about [new guy] with your family without worrying about me" (not that she would). I told her not to bother with the gift certificate, and what was the purpose of telling me the invite was from my son - guilt?
She replied "I'm telling you it was from your son so you know you hurt him." Of course, that invite text never said it was from my son.
I feel like shit. I really didn't owe her an explanation and probably should not have sent one. Does that make me weak and pathetic? Is it wrong to not want to go there less than one month after she had sex with me and told me she loved me, and then switched to new guy that same week - given she is already sleeping with new guy and he's at my old house most of the time? It is all still so raw, and I don't know what to do. Should I switch and agree to go since, apparently, my son wants me to go (and I'm sure wants to see his cousins)? Or should I explain to him, in simple terms, why I chose not to go?
I got a text Saturday from my Ex inviting me to "join us for the traditional Father's Day cookout? Usual steaks" After agonizing over it, I respectfully declined. I wanted to protect myself from hearing her gushing to her family about her new guy.
Now she just sent me a text:
"[name withheld's] mom just invited [my son] to his birthday party on the 20th from 12-4. He wants to go.
BTW, it was [my son] who invited you to the Father's Day BBQ that you declined. He's accepted that you said no, so I told him I'd give him a gift certificate to take you to breakfast. Would Country Diner work?"
So now I feel super guilty for saying no to the BBQ, but I know she would be talking to her family about her new guy, and it would be tense. Of course, she'd tell me it would only be tense if I made it tense, but come on, don't I have a right to protect myself some?
Also, I spent $200 on her for Mother's day and came up with very thoughtful gifts. A $10 breakfast certificate isn't quite the same, but I guess I'm not surprised.
I replied with an explanation about why I can't come to the BBQ, how it is awkward to be asked just as she told me it was awkward of me to ask her if I could participate in her Mother's day. I said "This way there will be no tension and you will be free to talk about [new guy] with your family without worrying about me" (not that she would). I told her not to bother with the gift certificate, and what was the purpose of telling me the invite was from my son - guilt?
She replied "I'm telling you it was from your son so you know you hurt him." Of course, that invite text never said it was from my son.
I feel like shit. I really didn't owe her an explanation and probably should not have sent one. Does that make me weak and pathetic? Is it wrong to not want to go there less than one month after she had sex with me and told me she loved me, and then switched to new guy that same week - given she is already sleeping with new guy and he's at my old house most of the time? It is all still so raw, and I don't know what to do. Should I switch and agree to go since, apparently, my son wants me to go (and I'm sure wants to see his cousins)? Or should I explain to him, in simple terms, why I chose not to go?
Guilt is a mother*****, so don't buy into, call your son and say - Hey, change of plan I know I can't celebrate/ be there this day but I always wanted to do this with just you, guy stuff.. Make a big deal out of it, make it sound cool, because you know what, it will be. And then he will be all excited about it and that day is about a father and his kids, or the next day or week.
you are better than this and it will be awkward cause we all know kids, they say hi and then go run off to play so your then stuck in a environment you are not comfortable in just yet.
This in spite of the fact that she often gushed on about new guy #1 in Florida at these types of events.
I have not replied.
It's your day. Your son should be with you. She is mad b/c you didn't fall into line with her plans of how the day should go according to her, so she's pulling out all the stops to try to make you feel bad. She's using your son to try to make you hurt, which is the lowest of the low. She shouldn't assume that she gets to set up plans for your days to "invite" you along to. Take your son and spend the day with him doing things to make the 2 of you happy, and try to forget about her childish drama.
FUCK HER.
She's some special kind of controlling bitch to lay that line on you. Don't open yourself up to her unbelievably selfish and self serving comments. Set up the boundaries. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of horseshit.
Since I didn't reply, she sent two more texts:
"Best leave it as is. I offered to continue a family tradition, but you are right. Do something else. I had no idea your mind was running along those lines..."
"All set. Decision made. I will not intrude on your FD as you so aptly put it. Now that I understand your thought process, I am uncomfortable, whereas I was not before..."
Enough already. If I had wavered for a minute, I'm damn sure now. I won't be going to the F'ing BBQ and I'll be doing something new and fun with my son. I'll explain it to him calmly without hurting him or bad-mouthing his mother, and I'll move on. This is why I was trying my best to do the NC, and why I had said no to the BBQ to begin with.
I guess the G'nite emails will finally stop tonight and that last thread will be cut. From her side, they were hollow anyway - they sure don't match how I am treated. I don't know why I kept wanting them anyway.
Oh, now that she 'gets your thought process' she doesn't want to invite you anyway? Oh boo-hoo for her. More like GOOD RIDDANCE. Most people DONT want to socialize with their ex, that's a normal thought process. She's still trying to flip it on you, when in all reality, you've done nothing wrong, you are well within your rights to decline her "plans."
Fathers Day is not for her! It's for you! It'd be different, if you were a deadbeat dad, like my stbxh. Unfortunately, Father's Day IS my day too, but only because my stbx cannot be bothered to see his son that day. However, no mom has the right to try to hijack Father's Day, especially not from a loving, caring, involved father such as yourself.
She can't stand not having control. You are doing a good job, just know she's going to lash out and try coming toward you with any angle of manipulation she can to try to regain that grasp. And clearly, she will stoop to saying anything hurtful she can think of. Stay strong.
And yes, you are right:
These are not the actions of someone who has love in their heart for you. It sucks to see it, but in a way it is GOOD that you can see it now.
She's only out for her. Her actions make it clear.
Big hugs
no more g'night txts sound like an excellent start :) does your son txt? maybe switch those goodnight txt to someone who would really appreciate them :) my kids have ipods.. with a wifi connection, and a free app.. they can txt with their dad all day long and I dont have to be involved AT ALL.. its a great thing :)
I'm truely sorry for you pain, and I really do hope your able to set that boundry between you and keep it unbreakable.. the ONLY thing you should be discussing is your child.. and the barbs are unnecessary.. let her go.. for your own mental health and ability to move forward .. let the manipulative bitch go..
"But rest assured there will be no more invitations to make you uncomfortable."
yeah.. said straight from the heart there.. apparently your not allowed to have your own feelings, without being mocked??? you need to follow her timeline on how to handle things?? .. Bitch with a capital B! .. you deserve so much better.. stand strong!
what kind of shitturd mother would want otherwise for "the children"
sounds to me like the boy's mother is manipulating him to hurt you
what sick bi#@$, i deal with one myself
fight for custody - - - as much as you can ger