People change, stuff we may have put up with or dealt with earlier on may just continue to play on our nerves to the point where it's not possible to put up with it. I thought it was a lifelong journey but when someone else flaunts their goods in front of someone, that is nothing I can help.

For the last 4 yrs. my boyfriend and I had problems. He told me he loved me but was not in love with me. His reason was that I was too close to my 3 adult sons (not his) and that I did too much for our daughters 17 and 19. He said I liked the dog better than him and that we grew apart we were together 28yrs. When the nest was empty he left it's been 3 months and I will survive.

@reply #14 perfect analogy, but the truth is you can't make anyone fulfil their part of the contract when it is all said and done.

Kind of goes with the "It takes two" post here on the board. It gets old after awhile being the only one holding up your part of the bargain. Then it gets humiliating when infidelity strikes and then you get fed up.

this thread also brings up issues of boundaries. when a relationship is off course and one of the people knows it, they have to stand up and declare that this ship is off course and we are going to sit down and get it on course.

love does not have to be that hard. any couple can sit down together and review their status and get on the same page. that is, of course, assuming that there is nothing major going on like abuse, affairs, drugs, etc.

@misred: you're totally spot on with the "love you/not IN love with you" thing... my ex said the exact same words to me, and it hurts so much. but I'm starting to realize it's not entirely my fault, because she is a sucker for those newly in love feelings.

so nice to see it confirmed by someone else :)

I am changing the rules of recovery. I'm not taking the usual DS advice, as it won't work for me. I'm going to wait for her to fall back in love with me. This might take a while, though...

Ok, here is my take on this love subject. The three types of love.
AGAPE ( love, that is given and expects no return)

EROS (sex type and emotional love)

PHILIA (brotherly love, *if you love me, I'll love you back* recipial love)


"******The most effective of these three loves, in any relationship is, "Agape" love. If you try to build a relationship based on eros love; it will only last as long as you have an emotional or sexual contact. Philo love is only going to last as long as the person gives you love in return. But, Agape love will always last - because it expects nothing in return and has no conditions that come with it. *******"

So, IMO, marriage should be made on all three. Unfortunately, many relationships begin on EROS love. When the attraction wanes, what is left?

Many of us experience the AGAPE love, but we need the Philo love in a relationship. I know, I need to be loved back. Some people are incapable of giving love back. So, we are unfulfilled, and must move on.

Many are satisfied with the unconditional love, and can remain in the marriage, exp if children are involved. I admire those that do. But I understand those who cannot. For whatever reason one chooses to end a relationship, is their business.

I truly believe that their are some people who just cannot give love back, but yet they need it given to them. For some of us, it is not fulfilling.

Rman, best of luck, and I hope you win her love, if she has it to give.

why not just ask her to define what she wants?

if she won't define it, then make a decision that this is either acceptable or not.

For me, I felt like she never did love me, I mean truly love me, I say this because she was never willing to work on the relationship, she felt in her heart that there was nothing to save, so she was out before she got to the point of wanting out. When there is love, there is communication between the partners, her kind of communication was to sit me down and tell me what was wrong with me and not taking responsibility in her part of the union..... boundaries, acceptance, communication, respect, listening, compromise all are key in a successful relationship, if one of these components are missing, then it was never true love.

True love is something that builds with each day, "I love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow". It is a work in progress, True love is not easy, but it is easy all at the same time. I have found through all of this that finding that you love yourself first, be happy with who you are, that this other is a much easier process. When you take that responsibility off your partner to be your only source of happiness, then the work of truly loving your partner is much easier. It is a long road, a road is still a road, whether it is paved in crushed rock or paved in gold, it is up to you and your partner to make the adjustment to make that ride down that road smooth.

Just don't tell them I love you, show them even when you are not saying I love you.... your actions, their actions, speak volumes. If you feel that it is worth working on, then work on it, but do not take the whole task on yourself, it has to come from two.... best of luck my friend

My experience many years ago has been that I couldn't make here love me, she just didn't have it in her. She still doesn't have it in her to stay with anyone long.

The harder I tried the farther she pushed away.

It really took some anger on my part to leave. I got tired of her making a fool of me, using me and eventually realized I deserved better.

Took me a few years Rman.

rman, that's my tactic too. seems like there's nothing you can actually do to MAKE someone be in love with you (though there's plenty you can do to make them NOT be in love you with). just wait and wait... and maybe something else will develop in life while you're waiting, and you'll forget what you were even waiting for.

Being married for 37 years, I belive it is very possible to fall out of love. As stated before, people evolve, interests change & circumstances such as codependency can affect breakups. Sometimes eventhough we try to stay with someone we loved only makes us very both very unhappy. Everyone deserves happiness.

You love sombody but its hard when they come in try and take you for every dime you ever made then sit on there ass and wont a thing to better them selves. Just give me every thing you made last week then clean out the bank account while your at it. I will take you for every dime you ever made if you want me to do any thing I will lie to you make promises that I will never keep and stab you in the back. Yeah dude you still love them but its hard when they do everything to totally wreck your life! I dont know your situation they are always different fore everybody. I have been reading the blogs its just amazes me how crule a person can be to another. I wouldnt evern treat my dog as bad as she has treated me. Its hard dude really hard to try and understand . But thats just it man you can understand it . Its a F##KED up any way you slice it. You can slice up a turd in a million peices and try and understand it , but when you put it all back together its still a turd.

This topic makes my head hurt. I don't get it, either. I heard "I love you, but i'm not in love with you" and it was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. After 15 years and having and raising his three kids, sticking by him through career changes, addictions, obsessive diets, depression and severe mood swings, and moving all over the country for his career...that is what i was served. Hearing those words actually felt like he slapped me across the face. I can still remember feeling the tears stinging my eyes when he said it.

People don't suddenly fall out of love most of the time. There is someone else on the side or in their minds there is still the possibility of someone else even though they are married. That is my current theory. I know people will disagree....but that is what i have seen. The "falling out of love" with one person often coincides with falling in love with someone else. I hope that is not the case for your wife, Bmore. I know some people say they just drifted apart.. i have no experience with that.

It's a bunch of BS....I got the "I'm love with you, but I'm not in love with you". That paled in comparison to my next question of we have a 6 month old....why did you want so badly to have another child if you weren't sure. These feelings don't pop up over night. Her response..."I thought it would make things better." WTF kind of screwed up person are you?!?!

I get that people change and grow at different speeds so to speak, but isn't that what marriage is suppose to be the growth of two people together on the journey of life? I honestly feel that its a circumstance of the time we live in. Years ago the committment mean something to people and if it didn't financially it just was so much easier to stay together. I think there are probably A LOT of grandparents out there that if were living in this day and age would NEVER still be together, but they stuck it out and are happier for it....and I guess the same can be said that there are some that are still miserable.

I agree with HC this topic makes my head hurt...