Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
2 days ago my wife of 12 years decided it is time we go our seperate ways(We also have a 11 year old boy). Our relationship has not been sunshine and rainbows and we have been quite unhappy for some time. She had an affair with my best friend about 6 years ago and if I think about it I should probably have ended it back then. I guess I had this delusion that we went through this traumatic event and if we remained married it will automatically get better.
I think about it and it did get better for the first year. We moved to a new place and it seemed that we were communicating as friends again. Things didn't last very long as it seemed she was starting to look for ways to push me to leave her. I know it sounds weird but she started acting jealous towards female friends of ours(literally just friends because our children were friends) and would go through my phone looking for messages that did not exist. At the same time she adopted a very flirty attitude towards all men and didn't want me to go out with any of my friends(not that I have any left anymore).
The fights were getting too much of the same. I feel she doesn't listen to me. She feels I am a broken record and just keep repeating the same things over and over. She stopped listening to me completely and took my encouragement and support as some form of hostility or control I was practising over her. I gave into everything she wanted and showed her all the love I could give. I have to admit that I was getting frustrated and deep down I was loosing myself. Eventually I started loosing my temper at the strangest things. I was not who I wanted to be and at the same time while I gave into everything she wanted I was not who she wanted either. Then who am I?
Through this whole ordeal we kept things away from my son. We were acting out so many different lives it was getting more frustrating for me to handle it. She would show so much love towards me in front of our friends but as soon as we got home that turned into hatred. I thought I was going insane. It felt like everything was a show and when she had an audience she was a very good actress. Nobody would believe me that she was 2 completely different people. Not even her or my parents would believe this. I didn't know what to do. She kept on saying she loves me but did not show it in any real way. Furthermore she completely believes that she tried everything to make our relationship work but from my perspective it has been a case of sabotage.
Eventually I had enough. 2 days ago I said to her she can't keep doing this. I love her and don't want to leave her but I feel that she is creating situations to push me to leave her so she can remain the "innocent" party. While I didn't want to hear the words I said to her either she stops and works towards improving our marriage or she has to tell me now if she wants to leave and we can come to some kind of agreement. She decided she wanted to end our marriage. I am still struggling to process it all as it feels like a bad dream. Somehow the last 6 years have become a nightmare and waking up from that nightmare doesn't make me feel better. I keep feeling I should try and win her back but am I the problem? I wrote down every reason I have to leave her(which were so many it's depressing on its own) and reasons I have to stay. The only reasons to stay were I LOVE HER and SHE IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD.
Only those 2 reasons yet I feel(and I know I'm wrong) that they are enough to stay with her. I know that this is not going to change yet I somehow wish it would. If she changes her mind I would take her back but I also know nothing will probably change. I want to grow as a person and focus all my energy towards being a better father towards my son. But how do you let go of someone that has been a large part of your life?
I just feel broken and feel I have failed at love...
I invested 28 years into my narcissist husband. I found out he's been faking it for at least 12 years. 12 YEARS!! That's more than a decade.
My regret is that I didn't DEMAND things get dealt with or get out. I probed, questioned, suggested, begged for an answer or at least go to counseling and was continually deferred.
You have 12 years plus courtship invested in this woman. She doesn't deserve you. Find someone who can love you as deeply and unconditionally as you do. Read the posts in this group. There are many women looking for an honest, decent, loving man. Find one for you.
You do not love her, and the reason why I know this is because it is painfully obvious that you do not love yourself. You have no respect for yourself, so yo cannot respect her. Mutual respect is the foundation of "love."
It might sound like I'm being rough, and maybe I am, because I had a good friend tell me things that I didn't really want to hear. He made me angry, but later his words made perfect sense. He was right. I woke up, got self-respect, and got out.
Get yourself together and get out of there. Call on family if you need help, because there are no resources out there for you. Don't worry about her, as there are lots of resources available for women.
Best of luck.
Just to put bluntly she is horrible and managing finances. I also found out that she took multiple loans(well I knew about the loans just not the massive amounts) over the last 2 years that she has fallen behind with in payments. Honestly I don't know what the loans were for. We have agreed to sell our current house and split the remaining amount 50/50 to be used to repay debts. When this is done I have no more debt of any kind left on my name. A fresh start. Unfortunately this will only settle 1 of her loans. Even if I were to give her my full salary and half of the house she will still struggle to get by.
To put it in a little more perspective. The debt I have on my name was a large loan I took to consolidate all of her debt she made about 3 - 4 years ago. I made sure that she was debt free(apart from our joint loan on the house) This was not the first time I did this so it felt normal. This should not be my concern anymore except she has over the last year latched herself onto one of our older male friends. He is financially very successful. He is also married with 2 children. They became very good friends and I know they did not have an affair but they are very close and I've seen some of the conversations they have had. Those "If only we met each other years ago" or "I wish my wife/husband was more like you" messages. Is that an emotional affair?
Anyway I am worried that she is going to make a mistake that she is going to regret. Something that might confuse my son and break another marriage.
I don't know how to approach her about this as she will not listen to me. If anything if I say something she will probably feel anger towards me for trying to control her and do it just because she is free to do as she pleases.
How did she become such a stranger to me?