Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi - I'm new here. I have no idea what I'm doing but I am trying so hard to get better so desperate to try anything.
The absolute love of my life who I have been with for 4 years has finally left me. And he has been non-committal in both staying and leaving. We have a long history of friendship and our relationship is filled with hardship and struggle -- I don't want to get into all of it. But in the last year, he came back to me after a breakup and I integrated him into my life, met my daughter (I am a full-time single mother from divorce -- her father moved away and left), has been a part of my family and life. But he never integrated me with his kids as he was separated from his wife and going through the divorce and did not want to cause problems, which I agreed with. But then it went too long and I felt very, very separated from his life. He wasn't prioritizing me.
So I know it is very black and white to all. I KNOW how badly I was treated. I KNOW it wasn't healthy and that maybe what I wanted was a fantasy or a dream. Except as much as I know all that I feel like I also know this is terribly wrong, and we should be together and he is choosing himself (again I know how awful that is and I should say good riddance). I thought my life was going to be with him. I thought we were going to get married and we have every capability to improve. But he won't. All things I know. Yet I can't seem to accept it. I feel empty and lost and afraid. I feel betrayed and abandoned and I've gone through this before with him (yes I know, more red flag behavior why can't I shake this abuse). I feel stupid and desperate and like a complete failure that I am this stupid person that believes he can change. I know him so well. I am living in the gray not the black and white. I adore him and love him and yet I guess it isn't really him. I thought I had this wonderful thing that was going to happen and it's like he ripped out my insides and everything else.
But I don't believe in myself that I can't keep reaching out to him. That I can actually let go. I never have before. It just brings more pain, but the pain I feel of facing life without him or knowing he wants to face it without me has been unbearable. I have 2 therapists (1 for an eating disorder; 1 for general support), I take meds for anxiety and OCD. I have my parents and friends and I want to be better but I am struggling beyond struggling. And they are too because obviously I'm not managing this well - and I go back to him which is stupid but I can't get through the day. Seconds feel like hours. I am a mom. I love my daughter more than anything and yet I feel like I'm failing her. I wanted this life for her too and yet he hurt us both and that's unbearable -- I want it to be different.
I don't know why I keep throwing myself against the wall or can't accept that this is real. He always gives me an inch though -- he absolutely strings me along. Everyone tells me that he isn't who I thought -- which hurts even more. We were together for nearly 4 years. He was good to me but also not. I never have felt so connected, comfortable, magnetically attracted to and safe and like I had a SOUL mate as I do with him. I am completely devastated by all of this and accepting the truth is that he isn't that person. And I don't know how to manage. I don't want to hate him. I don't want it to be true that he is so bad. I loved him so much and worked so hard for something that has caused me and everyone around me pain. I want what I know is possible but I also know it isn't because he doesn't. It would be if we were both there but he isn't. And I'm so completely lost. I can't stop crying. I can't stop obsessing about him. Wondering why he isn't here. Why he won't snap out of this. How I'll ever be okay -- everything is him. Everything reminds me of him. I can barely function or eat. I never want to be with anyone else -- I can't imagine sharing my life or body with anyone. I love him so much but he's causing this pain. Not matter what it's pain. I miss him terribly. I feel like he just needs to be shaken.
We haven't even seen each other since Christmas because of Covid and he had my daughter there and everything and then bam dropped us. He started saying he didn't want to be a step dad anymore (he is 13 years older) and that shocked me. It was like saying he didn't want to be with someone with a left arm.
So I know I have to move on. I have to. Because he'll always pick up if I call but never give me what I need. I don't want to move on. I never want to be without him, but I know I have to. And I don't know what to do. I have this unbearable sadness and emptiness and hollowness. And I just want him and the life we were going to have back. How do I do this? How do I tell my parents that hating him and telling me to just be done isn't helping and is making me want to go back? I just feel like I can't do this. And I'm not a "can't" do this kind of person -- but with this I am. I feel like I can't be without him. I'm sorry I sound so crazy. I just...am raw and don't want to do this. I have never been in a place like this before and I am hoping that maybe it'll keep me from going to him instead. I want to be better. But I wanted to be better with him.
Thank you for any support.
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
He does not sound much like a "soul mate" to me. He has shown you who he truly is, you need to believe what he is showing you.
I think you were really hoping this would work out with him and it was a fantasy in your mind. He will not change. He has shown himself to be unworthy of you and your daughter...
You need to think of your daughter. That she should not be witnessing this.
Yes, it is very hard. But it will get easier, the longer apart it goes. The best way to move past this is to go No Contact. Block his number. Do this for 30 days. Promise yourself you will have No Contact with him and give yourself and your daughter the gift of loving yourself. Of getting yourself together for 30 days. Then see how you feel, once you've taken 30 days completely away from him (no texts, no phone calls, no seeing in person). YouTube has lots of free videos about No Contact, too, from relationship experts, check out these videos.... it will give you some much needed support and guidance. Go on YouTube and type in "No Contact"
You need some time completely apart so you can look at it more objectively. Right now, you are running on raw emotions and clinging to a fantasy of a person that he is not.
You're going to be okay. It's great that you have support around you. Listen to your family, friends, therapist.... they all know you longer than he has, they know you better than he does.
We have been friends for about 10 years. We also are colleagues. We don’t work closely together but we do cross and have had a shared bond over work.
I know we need to do that and I want to be able to, but it’s absolutely terrifying and again just like such a jolt to hear how bad this truly was or he was and how I could love someone and desperately want him so badly and cannot imagine a life without him. And yet...clearly none of it is real. The urge to come back to him to get it good again to make this truth not the truth. If that makes sense. But thank you. I appreciate the response. Really.
I’m also really struggling with ever imagining being with someone else or him being with anyone else. I felt so devoted and committed to him, I just feel like I’m empty. And nothing. And I know there are so many worse things in this world. It makes me feel worse that I’m not coping well enough.
Any tips (from anyone) for how to get through every second of every day when literally everywhere I turn and everything I do feels connected to him?
Like you said, it's hard to hear. And I don't know you, or your exact situation, but I can tell that it is not a good situation for you. Getting an objective opinion, such as on a site like this one, hopefully will give you some clarity.
We can't change another person. We all wish our partner/ex partner, would be more like this and less like that.... But the reality is, people will act and say what they want to... and we can't change anything about another person. It's also important to see a person for who they are... watch their actions... and not idealize or be in denial about who they really are. What he is showing you is who he really is.
I stress again, that going No Contact for a 30 day period, will give you some much needed perspective. Write in your journal. Talk to your friends. Keep yourself busy with work, school, hobbies... things that you like to do and that make you a healthy, well-rounded person.
Don't worry about the future. No one can predict even what tomorrow brings. Live for today, love yourself today. The future will work itself out.
Again, check out those YouTube videos about No Contact. They are very helpful. And there are some good books on Amazon about relationships, break ups, etc.
Plenty of things to keep you busy. Just take a step back for 30 days.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Breakups are hard. I was in that situation when I broke up with my past boyfriend. It hurt me so much and never thought of loving another person again. After a year, I started dating again and that person is now my husband.
Give yourself time to grieve. Cry when you need to. Writing down your emotions in your journal is also helpful. Surround yourself with people who will encourage and pray with you. It may not be easy but I want to encourage you to stay strong. Be gentle on yourself. Do things that you will enjoy so your focus is not on the pain. Praying for you that God will give you peace and comfort in this difficult time.
I hope to hear from you again and let us know how you are doing. God bless.
I’m trying to take it in small chunks and letting myself go to say, Monday without contacting him. And then Monday I plan to call my best friend and talk to her and then see if I can go 2 more days. And keep going like that. Trying to set that rule in my head so maybe I’ll stop obsessing on a daily basis about it.
Unfortunately part of that is waiting to see if HE reaches out to me but maybe in this time I’ll move farther away. It hasn’t worked in the past but things are different this time.
I did a little better yesterday but I dreamed about him all night last night so I feel all raw and obsessive again. I can still feel him and smell him and hear his voice. I know he could’ve wanted this. I know he will one day. He’s so selfish and emotionally stunted and just this isn’t right. But also the reality is he couldn’t accept or properly prepare for our reality and I know this is his loss. There are times when I’ve been at peace because he has taken me for a very undeserving roller coaster ride (that I got on). And other times when I just think that this relationship and love is so worth fighting for and what I’ve always done how do I stop. He lets me fight for it. He struggled and teeters. That belief I have in it is rooted so deeply within me - that he is my person, we would’ve been wonderful and to not fight for this is wrong — but fighting for it has lead to this. Again and again. He does love me but clearly not enough. Not as much as I love him. I would’ve walked through fire for him and he ... no. Sometimes maybe. There were times he was more at peace. But it has been inconsistent.
I’m also struggling with the physical aspect of this. I don’t know if people talk about that here. But I’ll dive in. You’re all so helpful so thank you for your time and patience.
But for a very long time I have felt almost like my body belongs to him and only him. I never want anyone to touch me or be near anyone else again. Our connection was something I’ve never experienced and it makes me absolutely sick to think of sharing (or him doing the same) with anyone else. I also can’t imagine ever having that level of connection or passion with someone again. And it came from trust and love. I’ve never been comfortable in that arena (body dysmorphia will take a toll) but with him—it was just exactly right. And so again, sorry I know this is uncomfortable but I really struggle with the thought of being with anyone ever, ever again and being okay with it or enjoying it.
Is that common?
This seems absolutely insane but honestly I am afraid to shower because that’s when these thoughts hit me the most (that and of course alone at night in bed — but that’s when it alllll hits). On account of being so alone an vulnerable with my own body.
Ahhhh thank you all. I know time heals all wounds. But dreaming about him and missing him so deeply is just so hard. I just wish so much for things to be different. Achievable difference if he’d snap out of it. And yet....I know the things. Feeling them and aligning heart and head is not so linear.
Thank you all so so much.
I agree with the comments above to read and check out YouTube. I have read some good break-up recovery books myself. I am further along in the journey than you (and I have been in your place, believe me, your post got my attention because it sounded very similar to my experience). But I found this book had some good insights and brought me some comfort - "Loves Me Not" by Samara O'Shea.
Try to remember you are recovering from an addiction, and you don't want to relapse. If taking a shower triggers thoughts of missing him, what can you do to change that trigger? Is there another shower/bath in your house? Different products you can use with different scents that will make the experience a little new and different, and less of a reminder? Can you rearrange some things in your bedroom, or sleep somewhere else?
Best of luck to you - self-care and living in the present moment is the key. It takes time and I'm still trying to do that myself. We can easily forget about self-care as single moms. It is hard in the middle of a brutal winter, and a year into a pandemic, not to reminisce about the past.
I always heard nice guys finish last... I guess since I'm not REAL nice, I only finish in the tail end of the pack instead of dead last.