Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
After over 25 years of living in a flat, and unfulfilling marriage which was the case more often then not, I think I am finally able to put a name to the ongoing problem with my marriage: Emotional Neglect. For years I pleaded with my husband. Could not understand why I felt he was so distant, cold, not willing to connect on an intimate married couples level with me. He seems to want to live with me as though we were a great couple on surface, but no intimacy, no real conversation. He can talk to me about nonesence forever. What the pets did, the layers of the earth... But he can not talk about us, our past, present or future. We've never had a "what we should aim to accomplish this year..." talk. And now, he's dropped the hatchet, no sex, cause he really has no desire... We are in our 50's.
So, I am trying to find a way to just move forth. I don't expect anything from him. I'm a little sad because I had the -I don't want to live like this conversation with him so many times in the past. I'm frustrated that I tried so hard only to reach nowhere. I did it for our children they are out the house now. I also did it because he always claimed he wanted to be in the marriage and as he put it he actually thought he was being a good husband since he is a good provider and says he's never cheated (I have no reason to think he had/home all the time if not at work...) But, he never holds my hand, compliment me on anything, cuddle, kiss...
Im looking to stay strong and not fall apart as I reclaim my life and live again. At this point, I don't see any reconciliation. We just celebrated Father's Day and he was very excited with his gifts and how he was made to feel special. I've always gone out of my way for him. Mother's Day he did bring flowers. Like every Mother's Day. Still, that make me feel special thing is not for him. No kind words, actually very few words. Our anniversary dinner he wants to talk about insurance, never wanted to go away... As long as I'm quiet and not asking for more, it's all good. He's ready to go another 30 years. Only I can't do that.
I want someone who can look me in the eye, hold hands, genuinely laugh with me. Feeling like my life is a long list of chores to keep things looking normal while I'm really dying from the inside out because of this emotional neglect is just too much for me.
So that's my story, looking
I understand both the OP's and vwidows points of view here, therefore maybe I can bridge this gap a little
I like what you say vwidow.. That's how relationships are supposed be.
I stayed with someone for too long also telling myself that I had no right to complain, I had security, he came home every night...count my blessings kind of thing because some aren't as fortunate and how dare I complain.
I was miserable. I realized how dishonest I was to both of us by continuing in this relationship. I could never have the relationship you describe with this man. You cannot make someone feel that kind of connection.
Much like an arranged marriage almost because we're supposed to be happy to have someone well off, but not feeling love towards the person.
I agree that medications do not work in circumstances where change and movement are required to ease the suffering.
I think the OP deserves to have the kind of relationship described with someone that she actually can grow with and connect with and so does her husband for that matter.
Someone out there will think he's the greatest thing sliced bread. He's deserves someone that loves him for who he is too.
Maybe they can find that with other people.
Perhaps God's blessing is no longer on this relationship.
No one knows the mind of God.
Maybe he's telling her its time to go. In which case she better listen.
Or she will get sick.
Spiritually, physically, emotionally sick
Vwidow, my marriage and solely my marriage got me placed on medication, and that was 20 years in. That's I'm writing to you.
I was miserable having panic attacks, put on medication for the first time in my life...
My life is in total upheaval now. It's been no picnic especially financially.
But I have a chance to heal and be happy again. At least there's hope.
When all your energy is spent faking it and plastering a phony smile on your face it's just abusing yourself really.
1. you can't make someone else behave in the manner you want them to.
2. when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Knowing these two things, I've sidestepped the "what ifs", as in - what if I went back in time and did this and that differently, would my outcome have been different? My changed behavior would not make a huge impact on his behavior. Things would have been different, but he would still be a selfish immature child. I've already spent 30 years putting him first, really how much more of myself could I subjugate to him? I sleep really well at night, I am HAPPY now.
But look now at your own words---If something were to happen to him you would fall completely apart. They betray your actions and reflect your investment. The opposite of love is indifference not hatred. Go back to the husband that in truth you love, and that you know loves you.
You have a lot of nerve
You are way out of line telling this woman how she feels, how she should feel, etc.
I held my tongue here because honestly folks like you are impossible to get through to.
You are negating this woman at every turn with your "counseling", and this isn't Jonestown or Waco and you honestly have a lot of nerve.
Your polite, elongated sermons are actually quite dismissive and insulting to this woman's entire being, and you have negated her at every turn.
You move in with the guy.
You live with him.
OP I don't want to speak for you, but I find this insulting and demeaning.
Just don't want you to feel alone while you're being told who you are, what you feel and what you should be doing with your life.
Reverend vwidow is just doing what SHE thinks will put her on the fast track to a seat at the right hand of God.
People like you who insist on trying to shove a square peg into a round hole are dangerous.
If someone had continued to force me to stay with my husband I would have killed the guy. No joke.
If he had tried to force his "love" on me one more time, I would have been on the evening news.
Stop counseling people to stay miserable
My assessment of AllHeart's situation like I said is only based on her own words, not MY will. Though yes overall it's God's will that should prevail. Why? Because he knows what's best for us and loves us. Why? Because he formed us and knows us inside and out and blessed us and on top of that died for us. Whew! What a God. And by the way,
Not YOU
And maybe the good Lord doesn't want her trying to entertain him like a dancing poodle or a Saigon hooker.
You remind me of my dear, sweet, maddening grandmother who just didn't hear what others were saying.
Had her own little bubble filled with Jesus and completely obliterated everything else from consciousness.
It's how she survived. I get it.
But don't keep thumping this poor woman with your Bible.
Look back on your own hypocrisy to see how you're coralling her to think God's blessing is no longer on the union and that she should stay gone. If she's in no physical danger, the only god telling her to go would be the one of this world (devil). Yet it's ok because I can see God using your words and those of others to bring out the truth in her feelings. And that's his love for her and for him... I hope you find peace in your own situation. But know that Jesus gave only one concession for divorce and that's adultery.