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Emotionally Neglected

AllHeart
AllHeart

After over 25 years of living in a flat, and unfulfilling marriage which was the case more often then not, I think I am finally able to put a name to the ongoing problem with my marriage: Emotional Neglect. For years I pleaded with my husband.  Could not understand why I felt he was so distant, cold, not willing to connect on an intimate married couples level with me. He seems to want to live with me as though we were a great couple on surface, but no intimacy, no real conversation. He can talk to me about nonesence forever. What the pets did, the layers of the earth...  But he can not talk about us, our past, present or future. We've never had a "what we should aim to accomplish this year..." talk. And now, he's dropped the hatchet, no sex, cause he really has no desire...  We are in our 50's. 


So, I am trying to find a way to just move forth.  I don't expect anything from him. I'm a little sad because I had the -I don't want to live like this conversation with him so many times in the past. I'm frustrated that I tried so hard only to reach nowhere.  I did it for our children they are out the house now. I also did it because he always claimed he wanted to be in the marriage and as he put it he actually thought he was being a good husband since he is a good provider and says he's never cheated (I have no reason to think he had/home all the time if not at work...) But, he never holds my hand, compliment me on anything, cuddle, kiss...


Im looking to stay strong and not fall apart as I reclaim my life and live again.  At this point, I don't see any reconciliation.  We just celebrated Father's Day and he was very excited with his gifts and how he was made to feel special. I've always gone out of my way for him.  Mother's Day he did bring flowers. Like every Mother's Day. Still, that make me feel special thing is not for him.  No kind words, actually very few words. Our anniversary dinner he wants to talk about insurance, never wanted to go away... As long as I'm quiet and not asking for more, it's all good. He's ready to go another 30 years. Only I can't do that. 


I want someone who can look me in the eye, hold hands, genuinely laugh with me. Feeling like my life is a long list of chores to keep things looking normal while I'm really dying from the inside out because of this emotional neglect is just too much for me.  


So that's my story, looking


Stephanie1977
Stephanie1977
I lived like this for several years. I thought it was an issue with me but the real issue was him. It's literally hell. My husband use to tell me "don't depend on me for happiness" FYI that'd be like going to Home Depot to buy bras. I'm alone now and have never been happier. It feels like I've escaped a dark pit and the world is my oyster. Seriously. It's a cruel and miserable existence that no one should have to suffer. Also 50 is not old-you have a lot of your life to live!! Make the choice not to do so in misery.
Bobby5000
Bobby5000
Part of this is gender differences. Imagine a tough situation. Many women talk about their concerns and candidly review what went wrong, while men like to look prospectively at how to solve the issue. Women find discussing what happened and what they or other did wrong comforting and voicing their stress and concern comforting and honest. Men find that process adds to the stress, and men look to solutions.

Some of this depends upon family background. If problem-solving became productive and collaborative, the man may adept in the marriage, but if he saw arguments, stress, and destructive patterns, he may try to avoid this. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus discussed many of these issues.

I think your first step is to give him a feeling of comfort in discussing issues showing how it helps to discuss things. Try to be a source of comfort because he may feel alone. Work towards solutions and try to avoid rehashing issues as men like clarity. Good luck


. His experience may have been that discussions generate stress and discord which he finds uncomfortable.
AllHeart
AllHeart
Thank you Stephanie1977,

Reading your comment brought tears to my eye. No one understands what it's like. Years, and years, I lay next to my husband, day in and day out wondering is tonight the night he will wrap his arm around me?

I was considered exceptionally good looking growing up and as a younger woman. Over the years I'm still told by people that I am attractive but I can't see it. My husband has never said I looked nice, not my clothes, not my hair, nothing ever, not even once, that I can remember. He can make fun, poke jokes... at what he's not fond of though.

Living under those conditions for so long for me almost feels like a phycological form of torture. It's subtle but very malicious. Over the years as I'm told I'm too dramatic, I'm crazy, was his favorite and he liked to suggest to others that I'm depressed. With no exaggeration, this man really did simply ignore my needs. Mostly my emotional needs.

Anyway, your comment just helps validate, my desire to do better for me. Finally
AllHeart
AllHeart
Booby5000,

I appreciate your input as well. As a matter of fact, I agree with you. However, I don't know how to show much more kindness and understanding to my husband anymore. It's hard to keep giving while getting nothing in return.

To add insult to injury, I was drawn to my husband because he presented himself as a soft place to fall on in my early twenties after a suffered a number of tramatic events. I was so broken, and afraid of life probably at that point. I trusted him completely, and he knows this. Having no family to turn to he was my everything. I was grateful to him for it and thus goes my life...

I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to keep trying. I'm just very tired. I'd much rather find more productive and rewarding was to expel my energy. He's not all bad. If I want a relationship with a good roommate he could be that. But not even one I could get too personal with.

I just want more if at all possible and I don't want to keep allowing my self to remain stagnant. Maybe tomorrow or next week, I don't like to say never, but if he does not show up and in a big way, my mission is to get out and to do so with as little friction as possible. I'm not out to hurt him and I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Stephanie1977
Stephanie1977
Wow. My ex said and did the same things to me. More validation that it's not you. He'd actually say the nicest things about me to other people but then tear me down in private, was so cold and would constantly make derogatory comments to me. I started to believe them and I don't know what made me flick the switch but something did and I realized I was so much better than all that. That I deserved better than that and that I could have that but it wouldn't be with this person. That would be impossible. We have a young child and I have to keep meeting him to exchange her for parenting time. He's now treating me the way he treats everyone else -polite, courteous, respectful. It's actually kind of scary because I barely remember him ever treating me like this. I hope he keeps it up for the sake of our child but I will never trust him again. I've seen the manipulative monster he really is behind closed doors. I actually feel bad for whomever he ends up with because I know he can't change and I don't want my daughter to still be exposed to it. All I know is that my getting away from him will limit the exposure and that's all I can do. No one will force him to get help and he doesn't think he needs it. Lesson here is we can only improve, fix, correct our own problems. No one else's. You're going to be okay. Find someone who wants to make you happy not someone who relishes seeing you miserable.
vwidow
vwidow
Allheart,
I just spent at least the last 2 hours typing you a reply and it was not sent--they returned me to log on page. This has happened too many times for me on this site. But maybe it wasn't meant to be read. But maybe it was. I don't know if I can remember it as well the second time. Maybe tomorrow like you said. But I'll just condense it for now into as little as I remember the important points are(though I thought it was all important): Based on what you chose to report, I say your husband is (maybe for years as well) feeling totally unappreciated. The clue is he was so excited on f. day getting gifts(appreciation). The other clue is "very few words."
Men don't like to talk about feelings(unless they're a feelings-oriented man), they don't like to talk about relationships, they JUST WANT TO HAVE ONE. When your husband is talking to you about layers of the earth, in his mind he is having a connection and a relationship with you. (he's not talking to another woman about it!)
If he has gotten little credit for being a good provider and a faithful man("a faithful man who can find?") he's probably feeling frustrated thinking, then why try anything more?
Men have bemoaned that women want men to become this, that and the other thing, but if and when they become tt and the other thing,
then they don't want them anymore! They want the man they married, flaws included. In fact they may have married them BECAUSE OF their flaws...Was your husband a handholder before you married him? But you married him.
If you want physical intimacy give physical intimacy. Kiss, hug , compliment and take his hand without demanding anything in return. I doubt he will throw you off if he loves you. But men's love needs ARE different from women's. Men need: encouragement, appreciation, approval, admiration, acceptance, and I can't remember the last one now.
You are feeling neglected according to your bag of measuring rods. But maybe in his eyes you are well-cared for. If you start showing him what he needs maybe he will get the hint of what you need. Some people are used to only saying what's wrong not what's right. And we CAN't rely on someone else for our happiness OR our faith. But we're to watch who we surround ourselves with. God bless you I hope we can talk some more..
vwidow
vwidow
Allheart, to be clear, if you show him these things (men's love needs) especially appreciation and admiration, my expectation is that you'll see him brighten up/flower, and take interest in what your needs are as a consequence. He will want to please you.
AllHeart
AllHeart
Vwidow,

I don't take lightly any insight on my situation. I'm sure you understood me to write that this is years and years and yes I have done that too. The daddy dance every day when he comes in from work, the I picked this up just for you. Back rubs, foot massages, I gave never got. And he has pushed me away. He did that for years too, though he claims it's a normal reaction.
vwidow
vwidow
Yes. I see that you don't appreciate me spending my whole afternoon yesterday trying to send my best counsel.
You have to decide then if you will stay with a husband who's a good provider, who's faithful, and who talks to you forever about nonsense like insurance ( your security).
Who takes comittment seriously nowadays? ( divorce rate>50%) Your husband, that's who, and after 25 years you've yet to realize what you've got.
vwidow
vwidow
Btw, I'm not condemning your legitimate need for physical intimacy. If you had children together there must have been some heat at some point in your lives, unless it was just a cold, stale mating. But this next thing is more important (and has been my own experience once). How would you like a man who looks you in the eye(while he's lying) tells you you look pretty, loves to get close, kiss and hug, get sexual, make you feel special and laugh with you and the whole time he is doing the same thing with other women out of your sight and knowledge? Would that be much more preferable to what you have now?
We don't get everything in one basket. I have a friend( male/divorced by his wife) who's belief in relationships is summed up in this: "Loyalty, and everything else is a bonus."
vwidow
vwidow
So looking at it this way you have the bonus of your husband being a good provider, and a conversationalist, albeit not about "feelings."
jojored
jojored
AllHeart, I understand your situation, I've been there, experienced emotional neglect, really from almost the beginning. I call it indifference. He never cared what I did, who I did it with, as long as it didn't impact him. He never initiated social outings, never cared about vacations. The only time he would go out with me by his planning was if it was with other couples, and the other couples initiated it. He wanted to be part of a couple, but never wanted to put in the work of actually being part of a couple. He had no problem going out with friends on his own, joining organizations. After so many years of living parallel lives, I gave up. I was dying inside from emotional neglect, despite me telling him how I was feeling. He actually suggested marriage counseling after I stopped having sex with him, I was all for it, told him to set it up and I'd be there. It never happened. He mentioned this twice over 5 years. I knew if I set it up, he wouldn't show. And that's exactly what happened 2 years ago. He 'forgot' appointments. 'Forgot' to do the homework. Denied that the counselor actually gave us any homework to do in the first place! So, I do understand your situation. I had to leave the marriage, in my case, I really think my ex does not have the emotional capacity to connect on an emotionally intimate level. I have my ideas as to the "why" of it all, but in the end, he's who he is and will not change a tiny bit for anyone. So be it. I divorced him, it's been a month since he moved out, and I am so relieved. Sometimes you can bang your head against the wall till you're dead. Sometimes you're only half-dead when you finally stop the banging. That was me. I'm 54, not looking to find anyone especially, just so happy to be away from someone who had no appreciation for me as a person. It's so much better to be alone, than to be lonely with someone. I hope you find the strength to do what you know in your heart is best.
AllHeart
AllHeart
Vwidow, I read what you write and I do appreciate your advice. This is what it is correct? Advice? I sense an air of sarcasm in the way you quote me as if you interpretation of my experience is that I'm whiny, ungrateful to the husband who pays bills and does not cheat. It seems to me that you are mocking or scolding me. While I am here because I am in pain and looking to see if anyone else can relate and can give a word of encouragement and or advice. I don't see a need for you to keep making the point that you are making. I get it. Have gotten it for the last 30 years now. Having understood your point and attempting to endure is why I am here.

Please look up emotional neglect. It is real and it is a form of abuse. Whether intentional or not.
AllHeart
AllHeart
Jojore, THANK YOU! I needed that. You write what I feel right now.

Bridgie101, I love your candid response. I appreciate that. And, I appreciate it even more because like Jorjored and Stephanie you are writing from experience, so I know you understand. You ladies say it just as I've lived it. But Bridgie, you really hit an area that I've struggled with, that is feeling as though I can some how grab this thing and make it work. I feel like if I called him tonight and said I'm coming back he'd say fine. Then from there I'd have to tell him, show him, redirect him, moment by moment as to how I'd prefer things. I'm not sure I'll ever experience six with him again. But even there who knows.

You actually nailed it when you write about being happy under different expectation... heavier medication... LOL! I'm on medication now, have been on for lever ten years. Tried to get off and jumped right back on. That's what this kind of marriage does to you. But I do feel you are 100% correct there and that is huge to consider.

I think it is some of what vwidow is saying as well. I have to really think. It hurts when he absolutely just can't with me his own wife but yet knows how to be soft and gentle with other women. That makes me double back and question everything.

Depression... Nervous breakdown, medication, check to all. Now, I need to find a way to live happy again.
vwidow
vwidow
Maybe your "medication" aka poison is half your problem. Over 10 years? Not confronting reality sans drugs could lead to mental illnes- i.e. not taking responsibility for whatever you should.
Sarcasm, obviously. It works wonders at making a point.
You said your husband says it's a normal reaction to push you away, but what is he referring to- the showed affection? Surely not unless he's just not a touchy feely person. Despite that he should still appreciate your own attempt to love him. Is he reacting to something else? Could it be that he's been fearing that you may leave him and now you have? Is that maybe what he's been responding to? Fear of loss or rejection is no aphrodisiac. And you said he now has really no desire. Yet you've seen him being soft and gentle with other women. So you know he's capable.
My own husband who was usually affectionate, (or at least didn't push me away, I was the one who pushed away) was acting very different on and off toward me while in the hospital. Most of it was due to the drugs(which caused hostility), but I asked him why he was telling me to go and not come back if he didn't want me to leave? He said because he DOESN'T want me to go. It was a mind game I guess...
We ARE here to encourage you
and you've received it Now go and give some to your husband. His love signs and not yours. It is more blessed to give than receive. Wait on for God's blessing, the one that means the most to you. The one that makes you feel loved.