Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My bf broke up with me a few weeks ago. We decided to stay friends (I know it's not good for me, since I was the dumpee, and still wanted to be with him), but we're still friends.
He said he doesn't know why he can't commit, and that he is not good for me. I know he now goes on a dating website...that's actually what precipitated the break up (although it was going to happen sooner than later anyway). He was acting peculiar, but he wouldn't talk to me straight, so my friend looked for him online and she found him.
But my dilemma is that he still acts like a boyfriend. we have spent the last few weekends together (all weekend, not just late night booty call), he offers his help if I need it for something. He calls me all the time. His parents came by for lunch and I actually had lunch with his parents (his mom was doing the cooking and she was asking me where he kept his different kitchen stuff). I am not sure if they know we are broken up (his mom was asking me questions about myself).
The other day I told him about a guy I know who was being a creep, and my ex had a talk with him.
So I don't get why he is acting like we are in a relationship, but doesn't want to be in one (and as far as I know he is looking online, although he says he can't commit).
So do I believe actions, or words? I'm inclined to think that I should believe his words.
Maybe it's a friends with benefits thing, only with him, benefits include the the companionship, affection, and all the relationshippy stuff, plus the sex.
I'd like everyone's opinion, but I am very interested in hearing guys' opinion on this. I understand guys wanting to keep the sex part, but I don't understand the psychology about still acting like we're in a relationship.
I think he actually does see me as a friend (he's not pretending to like me, or else I doubt he would let me stay at his house all weekend and spend time with his parents).
But I don't know what to make of it.
I secretly hope he'll change his mind and we'll get back together, but I know I am setting myself up for more heartache for feeling that way.
(I am trying to give myself a deadline of when to get back into the dating game. Right now I am not ready, but I know I have to do it eventually.)
He said he doesn't know why he can't commit, and that he is not good for me. I know he now goes on a dating website...that's actually what precipitated the break up (although it was going to happen sooner than later anyway). He was acting peculiar, but he wouldn't talk to me straight, so my friend looked for him online and she found him.
But my dilemma is that he still acts like a boyfriend. we have spent the last few weekends together (all weekend, not just late night booty call), he offers his help if I need it for something. He calls me all the time. His parents came by for lunch and I actually had lunch with his parents (his mom was doing the cooking and she was asking me where he kept his different kitchen stuff). I am not sure if they know we are broken up (his mom was asking me questions about myself).
The other day I told him about a guy I know who was being a creep, and my ex had a talk with him.
So I don't get why he is acting like we are in a relationship, but doesn't want to be in one (and as far as I know he is looking online, although he says he can't commit).
So do I believe actions, or words? I'm inclined to think that I should believe his words.
Maybe it's a friends with benefits thing, only with him, benefits include the the companionship, affection, and all the relationshippy stuff, plus the sex.
I'd like everyone's opinion, but I am very interested in hearing guys' opinion on this. I understand guys wanting to keep the sex part, but I don't understand the psychology about still acting like we're in a relationship.
I think he actually does see me as a friend (he's not pretending to like me, or else I doubt he would let me stay at his house all weekend and spend time with his parents).
But I don't know what to make of it.
I secretly hope he'll change his mind and we'll get back together, but I know I am setting myself up for more heartache for feeling that way.
(I am trying to give myself a deadline of when to get back into the dating game. Right now I am not ready, but I know I have to do it eventually.)
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
When their actions don't match their words, start being concerned.
If you were ok with just the friends with benefits thing, then go ahead. I"m betting you're not, though, otherwise you wouldn't be here. So heartache is straight ahead, eventually.
Talk straight to him about your confusion, maybe he'll be able to communicate his truths.
those are good questions and to be honest, its hard for me to answer from my point of view, because if I am interested in or dating someone, I usually don't continue to look for anyone else. I guess thats a hasty statement, because of how one defines the word dating.
When I say I am dating someone, that means I am chillin' with them. I am interested in them, want to spend time with them, want to know more about them and want to see how a relationship would be with them. I am not online with a profile, nor am I flirting with other gals I would meet.
Others say they are "dating" and it means they are going on on dates with different guys. They are not in a relationship with anyone, but may be looking while they "date around."
Your guy sounds more like the latter. I am sure he likes spending time with you otherwise he wouldn't do it. But, he has been pretty clear he is still out there hooking up and can not.. more so... does not want to commit. So in his mind, he has laid out the rules he wants to "date" by, and you are ok with them as you are still around. So he is going to continue to chill with you when he is not on other dates, yet, he is still going to go out on dates with other chicks.
Thats the relationship you will have with him regardless of your hope. Regardless of the lunches with his mom. I know it looks good, feels not bad, and you really like his mom, or him. But this is the kind of guy he is. I wouldn't expect him to do a 180 if he still has his profile up.
Welcome to the group
When actions don't match words, don't trust any of it!
"He said he doesn't know why he can't commit, and that he is not good for me. I know he now goes on a dating website...that's actually what precipitated the break up (although it was going to happen sooner than later anyway). He was acting peculiar, but he wouldn't talk to me straight, so my friend looked for him online and she found him. "
This proves his actions are exactly why he "can't" (it's more like won't) commit. He doesn't want to. He wants to go on dating sites and screw around. And he wants his cake and eat it too because he has you on the side.
Not that you should consider the other women he dates, but this question goes to his character. Would you want to date a guy who has an old gf on the side?
This guy is not treating you with love or respect the way a real friend would.
Please consider seeing a qualified counselor to help you through the grief process, going complete No Contact and rebuilding your self-esteem.
You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect.
You're his second choice. He's been clear about that.
Put yourself first, unfortunately, that means you have to look at the longer term, not just the immediate relief of getting to spend time with him.
No one said it was fair.
Same issues.
I agree, he is using you. Everybody wants to be loved and adored. I am sure this heartbreak of yours makes sex so much more exciting because you are dying inside and it shows in the way you kiss him and touch him.. Every time is like the last time. It is a major thrill.
I don't think you can be friends with him. It is going to hold you back from meeting other people. Some folks told me the same thing I am telling you, but NO. I just had to have it my way and..... Drum roll...
Here I am... Financially screwed by him and heart broken after 6 years of this BS. We were even engaged and living together for 3 years.
And to me it seems he is using you
And is pretty good at it
No one deserves to be used
And
People that use people are monsters,
Cut this creep out of your life
1- He is satisfying his sexual desires with a girl he likes but is not committed to. You allow it to happen so he is doing it guilt free.
2- He is satisfying his emotional needs for companionship. Yes men have emotional needs too. And you are satisfying them all.
BUT: He is keeping you as momentarily fix while he finds someone more to his liking. You are an option instead of the ONLY ONE. You deserve better than that. A LOT better. Nobody should be a man/woman's option. Either you are IT ir nothing at all. Either the sun rises and sets in your eyes or he can keep walking and searching for what he wants.
What he is doing is total bullshit. Don't EVER settle for less than you deserve.
The ONLY thing going for him right now is that he is being honest when he tells you how he feels, but if he feels that way he should man up and stop using you for his own selfish needs.
Sorry for being so blunt. You seem like a nice girl and I hate to see you set yourself up for a heartbreak when this guy becomes excited for someone new and drops you like a hot potato. You don't and will not deserve that.
The last email I sent my ex when I informed him I was taking my name of the electricity account said " I'm not a toy, and I won't be treated like one".
Over. It still hurts, but no way would or could I go back to that.
Put a stop to this and do the work and go through the grief. Your future self will thank you.
I asked him if he was just going to let things going between us until he found someone new, and he didn't respond.
I guess now he has what he wanted, a "fill in" girl in his life until he meets someone. And since I am no longer his gf, it would be no-strings attached for him. Win-win scenario for him.