Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My bf broke up with me a few weeks ago. We decided to stay friends (I know it's not good for me, since I was the dumpee, and still wanted to be with him), but we're still friends.
He said he doesn't know why he can't commit, and that he is not good for me. I know he now goes on a dating website...that's actually what precipitated the break up (although it was going to happen sooner than later anyway). He was acting peculiar, but he wouldn't talk to me straight, so my friend looked for him online and she found him.
But my dilemma is that he still acts like a boyfriend. we have spent the last few weekends together (all weekend, not just late night booty call), he offers his help if I need it for something. He calls me all the time. His parents came by for lunch and I actually had lunch with his parents (his mom was doing the cooking and she was asking me where he kept his different kitchen stuff). I am not sure if they know we are broken up (his mom was asking me questions about myself).
The other day I told him about a guy I know who was being a creep, and my ex had a talk with him.
So I don't get why he is acting like we are in a relationship, but doesn't want to be in one (and as far as I know he is looking online, although he says he can't commit).
So do I believe actions, or words? I'm inclined to think that I should believe his words.
Maybe it's a friends with benefits thing, only with him, benefits include the the companionship, affection, and all the relationshippy stuff, plus the sex.
I'd like everyone's opinion, but I am very interested in hearing guys' opinion on this. I understand guys wanting to keep the sex part, but I don't understand the psychology about still acting like we're in a relationship.
I think he actually does see me as a friend (he's not pretending to like me, or else I doubt he would let me stay at his house all weekend and spend time with his parents).
But I don't know what to make of it.
I secretly hope he'll change his mind and we'll get back together, but I know I am setting myself up for more heartache for feeling that way.
(I am trying to give myself a deadline of when to get back into the dating game. Right now I am not ready, but I know I have to do it eventually.)
He said he doesn't know why he can't commit, and that he is not good for me. I know he now goes on a dating website...that's actually what precipitated the break up (although it was going to happen sooner than later anyway). He was acting peculiar, but he wouldn't talk to me straight, so my friend looked for him online and she found him.
But my dilemma is that he still acts like a boyfriend. we have spent the last few weekends together (all weekend, not just late night booty call), he offers his help if I need it for something. He calls me all the time. His parents came by for lunch and I actually had lunch with his parents (his mom was doing the cooking and she was asking me where he kept his different kitchen stuff). I am not sure if they know we are broken up (his mom was asking me questions about myself).
The other day I told him about a guy I know who was being a creep, and my ex had a talk with him.
So I don't get why he is acting like we are in a relationship, but doesn't want to be in one (and as far as I know he is looking online, although he says he can't commit).
So do I believe actions, or words? I'm inclined to think that I should believe his words.
Maybe it's a friends with benefits thing, only with him, benefits include the the companionship, affection, and all the relationshippy stuff, plus the sex.
I'd like everyone's opinion, but I am very interested in hearing guys' opinion on this. I understand guys wanting to keep the sex part, but I don't understand the psychology about still acting like we're in a relationship.
I think he actually does see me as a friend (he's not pretending to like me, or else I doubt he would let me stay at his house all weekend and spend time with his parents).
But I don't know what to make of it.
I secretly hope he'll change his mind and we'll get back together, but I know I am setting myself up for more heartache for feeling that way.
(I am trying to give myself a deadline of when to get back into the dating game. Right now I am not ready, but I know I have to do it eventually.)
You've already said that you secretly want him to get back together with you, so that's pretty much where you are now. As far as all the other stuff, perhaps its habit, kindness, what he thinks you need for you to sleep with him, all of the above? hard to say.
I would agree with the others here, he likes the benefits, but wants to be free to see what else comes along. That kinda makes you the second choice.
Look at it like this: you and he are in a relationship. Just not a committed one. Dating, FWB, BF/GF, engaged, married, are all relationships. You need to ask yourself if you are getting what you want/need from this relationship as it exists today. If the answer is no (I think you want a monogamous exclusive commitment) then you should end it.
A few years ago, a woman I was seeing ended things with me after about 4 months, and suggested we stay friends. we did. we've met for coffee twice I think, she called once and asked advice on computers, I contacted her for advice on clothing for teenagers. Once in a while we email each other something funny we know the other would enjoy. We don't sleep together, go out, date, flirt, etc. I think she is a nice person, but we aren't a couple. We don't want to be a couple so our actions reflect that. That's what is means to be friends.
You need to figure out what you want (a guy sending mixed messages) or a relationship that doesn't do this?
I'd take a break...just get yourself a little busier, and less available.