Gory details: be careful what you want to know. This is important info if you're going to work on things with him, but will probably just hurt you if you're moving in different directions.

This is what I've found when the cheater says "I want to still be friends". Here's a paraphrase: "I want our dealings to be friendly and I don't want to be hated or have my life complicated because of you". Friends wouldn't treat each other that way.

Look out for your assets in the divorce, if it's financially in your interests to get divorced, do it. If not, wait forever and let him do it. Eventually the people he's messing around with will want him divorced.

Don't wait for the s2bx to see the light. They may one day see it, but by then, you will have seen the light as well and realized that he isn't at all what you really want in a mature, grown up relationship.

I'm kind of struggling with the same questions, although we're still living together for another week or so.

But part of me wants to keep in touch with him, possibly to even have sex with him, for the sole reason of pissing off OW, and also making sure that he isn't faithful to her either.

As far as the divorce goes, my only real reason for wanting to do that is so that I couldn't be held responsible in any way for any financial messes he might make. He's not the most responsible person with money, so that is a real possibility.

But I also don't want to make it too easy, not on him, and especially not on OW. I figure that eventually SHE will want him to get divorced, and maybe if she wants it bad enough, she'll pay for it!

Of course, if I'm completely honest, I'm also just not ready to completely cut him out of my life. I think there's a chance, however small, that he may end up regretting his choices, but even so I know that we can't go back. He and I don't work as a couple. But I also can't really picture not having him in my life at all. That's the thing that's giving me the most emotional pain these days.

I hope you find a way to the path that is right for you.

Somebody just told me something profound about 2 weeks ago. I was agonizing over my choice to divorce, and part of me didn't want to be the one to make that decision. It was too huge. But my friend said to me: "Amy, he made that decision for both of you in September when he started sleeping with her." That is right - the decision was made once the vows were broken. It was much easier after that. Now, we are into the discovery process, get his stuff outta the house process, and it sucks. It's tough - but it also is steps closer to the end. I say go with what your heart and head tell you. Do you think he'll respect you if you take him back? If he did it, and was forgiven, would that make it easier in the future? Or harder? Hugs to you during this difficult time, and my thoughts are with you.

Thanx to all 3 of you, you all have really good advice, my gut feeling is to just get some advice at the moment, hang on until the dust settles a little, i don't think i am at my most rational at present and i think when undertaking something like divorce you need to see clearly, i am as financially secure as i need to be to cope, and could possibly manage without the maintenance, but my daughter would then suffer, i have my own house and car.
I feel like i need to know the truth macjohn, right or wrong its something i have to do before i can start to let go, it won't be pretty, according to him there have been other women, and things happened during our marriage that i now want clarity on, i understand what you are saying, but at present i am experiencing the drip feed effect, where you get snippets of information a bit at a time i just think it is easier to deal with in one go, otherwise thee is no end.

You need to start focusing on what you want. How you want to live your life. The hardest part of divorce is realizing that your partner has moved on and no longer cares about you. It is so painful at first, and your instinct is to not make it easy for him or to cause ow similar pain you are going through. Once you start focusing on what is best for you and your daughter and stop focusing on him, your decisions will become clearer. Listen to macjohn, your stbx will do and feel what he wants, in the end, nothing you do or say will change that. Give yourself some time to come to terms with what is happening, but take steps to protect yourself financially. You can consult with an attorney to find out what you need to do and not do to make sure that you will come out of this ok. In my case, my stbx spilled all to me in an email. This helped me later on when I did file. I had proof of his "marital misconduct". He wouldn't have done it if he hadn't felt so guilty or had the advice of an attorney. Best of luck

Yessh, only 4 months into a separation? Sounds kinda quick to jump on the divorce wagon to me.

Again, the law in Canada up here is I can't get a divorce until after 12 months of separation has passed...no matter how much I want it.

Take time and focus on yourself, take time to think over things. No need to make things easy for him, consider yourself from this moment onward.

You know what I'm going to say. Take your time, I think you are not in the right place right now.But I do think you should be the one to divorce him because he then has to take the flack, it is not easier for him as you have to dish dirt on him. Well tough shit. he misbehaved so he can lump it. It will give you back some control.John is right about the hurt, you already know what you need to know, why torture yourself further. You know he is a lying, adulterous bastard what else do you need. I'm really worried about you at the moment I don't think you need any more pain. When all said and done only you can decide and you will feel different hour by hour. Eventually you will come to a decision and be resigned to it. There is no need to rush if you don't want to. Just because I did doesn't make it right for you. Hope this helps. take care honey xxxxx

I will make this somewhat short and simple. If you are unhappy, angry and do not think you can trust him again... GET THE HELL OUT!

No matter who starts the divorce, it is going to be hard.

In my opinion, it is not about losing or winning. It is about being happy and living your life to it's fullest. Does not sound like you are happy. Sounds like you are pretty pissed off and you have all the right to be. Like everyone else said -- the vows have been broken.

Since about three days after stbx left I have never thought about getting back together and here is why. I look at it this way, are you willing to give him a chance to put you through this again. Also you will never, ever be able to trust him the way you once did. If you can come to grips with that this process will be a lot easier for you.

In the state of Maryland you have to be separated for at least a year before filing for divorce. Do the research, first. Also, you don't have to file right now. You can take all the time you need. Until either you feel comfortable or he needs to move on with his life in a way that requires him to file. I just realized that I left my husband almost 2 years ago. I filed in July and I'm still waiting. But, if he wants a divorce badly enough let him pay the money and go through the paperwork, until them there is seriously no rush.

so dont get a divorce because you are afraid that you are going to make his life easier? does that answer anything? who cares if he is a coward? is that really going to change over the next few months or year or years? probably not.
what does he deserve? does he not deserve a divorce? i reread thru your post and i understand the "gets what he wants" part but not the deserve part. what does he deserve?
and more importantly- why dont you take him out of the equation? what do you deserve? what do you feel like putting forward in this marriage? if you do want to add him to the equation, if thats easier, then realize there are examples of facts in what you wrote and examples of presumptions. stick with the facts. (ie. he cheated, he is a coward, etc.) draw out a list. but i think in your heart and in your gut you already know the answer. right?
we are here for you either way. i am sorry you are having to go thru this. but again, his cowardice isnt going to change over time. ((hugs))

The replies have been spirited and spot-on.

The most decisive comment made herein: what do YOU deserve?

Peace to you,
Adam