Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello,
First I am asking for some advice on how to finally tell (and get the courage) to ask my wife for a divorce.
Of course things are not going well, I am not happy, wife is not happy. We have discussed our issues a bunch of times over the past 6 months or something and nothing has changed.
Also we are not in a really bad/abusive relationship, just neither one of us is happy and we have nothing in common anymore (and did not have much to start with). Aside from the kids, I just do not want to hurt her, but I am at a point where I am constantly thinking about it, and trying to think of how to tell her in my head. I have even talked with friends who have gone through a divorce as well. I just can not find a good time (I know there never will be one) or the courage to finally tell her.
I have been thinking about it for a while (things would get better and I would stop thinking about it), but for the past few months I have known I am going to ask her for a divorce. I am even at a point where I am thinking what I am going to do with the house/etc when she is gone.
I am having issues telling her/asking her for a divorce. I am not good with things like this (emotional conversations this deep, or just about any bad/confrontational conversations).
I think/know the only reason I have not told her yet is because we have 2 kids and I can not think/stand the thought of not seeing them every day. If not for them I would have asked a LONG time ago.
From my friends I know a lot of what will happen afterwords so I know what to expect (aside from emotional issues and how she will react of cource).
Also I think she would want a divorce as well, but I pay ALL the bills. The only bills she covers are most of the groceries, our babysitter/nanny while we are at work (it is her aunt so only 175 a week), and the kids insurance. She buys stuff online all the time, and I see credit card statements come in for a LOT of cards. So I think she is over her head in bills and knows she cant afford (even though she has a good salary) to move out on her own (especially since I pay all the bills).
I am sure that is part (if not all of why) but also I think she just doesnt/cant be alone. She can not stand to be home alone for a few hours, let alone days, so I think that is part of the other reason she has stayed this long.
As I said I have only stayed because of the kids.
With the above info, any help/suggestions on a good way to tell her that will be somewhat nice/kind for telling her such a bad thing.
Also how anyone has done this what your partners reaction was?
If you need more info the help me out just ask.
Brad
First I am asking for some advice on how to finally tell (and get the courage) to ask my wife for a divorce.
Of course things are not going well, I am not happy, wife is not happy. We have discussed our issues a bunch of times over the past 6 months or something and nothing has changed.
Also we are not in a really bad/abusive relationship, just neither one of us is happy and we have nothing in common anymore (and did not have much to start with). Aside from the kids, I just do not want to hurt her, but I am at a point where I am constantly thinking about it, and trying to think of how to tell her in my head. I have even talked with friends who have gone through a divorce as well. I just can not find a good time (I know there never will be one) or the courage to finally tell her.
I have been thinking about it for a while (things would get better and I would stop thinking about it), but for the past few months I have known I am going to ask her for a divorce. I am even at a point where I am thinking what I am going to do with the house/etc when she is gone.
I am having issues telling her/asking her for a divorce. I am not good with things like this (emotional conversations this deep, or just about any bad/confrontational conversations).
I think/know the only reason I have not told her yet is because we have 2 kids and I can not think/stand the thought of not seeing them every day. If not for them I would have asked a LONG time ago.
From my friends I know a lot of what will happen afterwords so I know what to expect (aside from emotional issues and how she will react of cource).
Also I think she would want a divorce as well, but I pay ALL the bills. The only bills she covers are most of the groceries, our babysitter/nanny while we are at work (it is her aunt so only 175 a week), and the kids insurance. She buys stuff online all the time, and I see credit card statements come in for a LOT of cards. So I think she is over her head in bills and knows she cant afford (even though she has a good salary) to move out on her own (especially since I pay all the bills).
I am sure that is part (if not all of why) but also I think she just doesnt/cant be alone. She can not stand to be home alone for a few hours, let alone days, so I think that is part of the other reason she has stayed this long.
As I said I have only stayed because of the kids.
With the above info, any help/suggestions on a good way to tell her that will be somewhat nice/kind for telling her such a bad thing.
Also how anyone has done this what your partners reaction was?
If you need more info the help me out just ask.
Brad
One thing you could do is get together with a counselor. I now for my STBX wife that she felt she was better able to talk divorce in a neutral location and with someone who could help counsel us through the tough times. Even if you don't use a counselor, please try and sit down together. I think you both need to agree right up front to both talk and listen. No arguing. Too often we hear but never listen to what is really being said. Together you can determine what will be best for everyone. You may both surprise yourselves in the discussion.
Good luck. Her telling me she wanted a divorce was the second hardest conversation I have ever had in my life. The hardest was telling the kids.
I asked my H to leave the home back in January. It is what was best for everyone. I thought by him coming to see the kids each night (9 and 4) then leaving after they go to bed what was best for them. It is now backfiring and not working as my son has now started to act out in anger. Now I have to find the opportunity to have the conversation with my H that this plan is not working and come up with something different and divorce is inevitable. Although I thought it would help the kids, it only gave both them and my H hope that he could eventually return to the family home when that is not an option.
Good luck with the conversation with your wife and I am interested in hearing the advice you receive.
It sounds like you need to talk. She shouldn't have credit card debt you don't know about when you are married. Maybe you can help with that.
I would really think about what your next relationship will look like. This one has communciation issues. But it doesn't sound like she hits or abuses you or the kids or cheats or embarrassed you in front of friends and family or has an addiction or a gambling problem or a crazy ex who won't stay away or a lot of secrets about her past, etc. etc. I guess I'm just saying I see so many people get annoyed with something like a lack of passion in a relationship only to get into a series of new relationships with some or all of the problems above. And while you're dealing with that, you are dealing with your ex and alimony and kids in crisis, etc. ,etc.
You may still not be able to fix things and decided to go, but think about the advice you get. Most of the time if you complain to friends or family, they want the quick fix ("get out!") and that often fixes one 'problem' but introduces 10 more you never imagined.
Before you have the talk, the other thing that might be worth doing is having a free consult with an attorney to get a picture of what this is likely to look like. Then you go in with more information when you do decide to have the talk.
If you don't love her and you don't see a future with her, then just man up and sit down and tell her. Yes, it will be difficult, but what is this life you're living now?
I was where you are 2 years ago. I was married to an angry alcoholic. He was a good provider for the family, and would do just about anything for anyone, except his own family. He never cheated, and he was never physically abusive. He apparently had a lot of emotional issues stemming from his childhood that he has never been able to address, which has led to him working way too much at a company he hates, then drinking away the bad feelings he has when he comes home, and venting his anger at us. We went to marriage counseling 10 years ago, but it didn't work because he was not willing to do the work or truly listen to what I had to say. You can't have a healthy marriage when one spouse won't hear what the other is saying. So I tried my best, but I just couldn't make it work by myself, and it took a toll on our kids. I started going to counseling by myself, and after a few months, and a severe meltdown by my STBX over Good Friday dinner, I got finally got the courage to say what I had been thinking for months. I asked him to leave. I still remember that moment vividly. That was the single biggest release of tension I have ever felt in my life. It was very sad, but freeing at the same time. He was devastated, and I think he still is to a certain extent. He left, but continued to find reasons to "stop by" unannounced over the next couple of months, so I knew I had to be the one to leave. I found a place close by for the kids and I. It was the scariest moment of my life - I've never lived on my own before. It hasn't been easy, but the finances are the single biggest concern I have. I know it was the right decision for me and the kids, and I have no regrets.
Please exhaust all options before calling it quits on your marriage. I believe you are in a lull due to the demands of daily life. Perhaps your wife feels the same way. Counseling can help you work through your feelings, and perhaps will help you to end your marriage on a peaceful note if that is what you both decide. Good luck to you.
The relationship is not good for either one of us or for the kids.
I have been trying to tell her for months. I majorly chickened out and did a bad thing in doing it this way, but I told her over email (I know bad and everything for SURE), but could never come up with a way/courage to do it in person.
She gave me an opening by bringing up a lot of stuff in an email about how things were not going well, how we were both unhappy, and more.
I talked with one of my friends who went through this and she said the same thing (dont do it over email) but she knows I have been trying forever. So I finally did it.
It is a big weight off my chest, but now I have another one, what/how is she going to be at our house? How is she going to be towards me (I know not good, but I hope not eveil/watever).
The main issue is that we have a thing for our son tonight and I take him swimming (so we were going to take different cars). She said she would meet me at swimming and drop him off. I dont want to do that because I dont want to miss the show because my son has something that is IN the show. I told her I wanted to go but she said I dont care what you want.
Now just need to deal with the next steps.
Neither one of us cant move out, because neither one of us has a place to go/stay.
My biggest fear is not seeing the kids everyday. I should be able to get 50/50 custody and unless the wife is VERY spiteull when it comes to that, she will know how much I love them and want to see them and hopefully she will agree without fighting or needing the court to decide for us.
Question:
I know I researched this, but she said that (we live in Michigan) one parent gets full time custody while the other gets only visitation on weekends. I am almost positive that is not true.
Can you guys let me know if you know if it is or not?
If so, then what do you think my chances are of getting the full custody with her only getting weekend visitation?
I want what is best for the kids as well but how she treats them (no physical abuse or anythihg) but she yells at them a LOT when they interrupt her watching TV or anything or if they are loud. They are only 3 and 5, they are going to be loud. She expects them to act like 10 year olds or older.
I can not have less then 50% custody, not only for me missing them so much, but because I do so much with them, and get on their level and play with them so much. I play cooking/tea party with my daughter for like 2 hours before. And angry birds (the kind you setup and knock down) with my son for over 2 hours on many occasions. She would never do that and get on their level.
I am going to start keeping a journal, just have to make sure to remember stuff if it happens right there and write it down later.
And please don't be too hard on her. Little kids can take a lot of a person and be very stressful, and she may just need a little down time each day.
I know I am going keep the kids out of it as much as possible as it is not their fault, and if anything it will benefit them more in the long run as long as she doesn't do stuff or tell them stuff to be vindictive.