May I add too that it might be possible that your wife is suffering from depression, which could explain a lot of what's been going on in your marriage, as well as with the kids. That's why I suggested counseling initially. Therapists can get to the bottom of a lot of stuff if you're both willing to open up, if even just to make a smooth transition from marriage to divorce.

I know things get broken up but we are so far underwater on the house we couldn't sell it and split the profits. That is why I am saying I would get the house, there is no equity in it to disperse.

That is my greatest fear is not having the kids 50/50 but in friends I have talked to say they have it so I do not see why we would not be able to get it as well. Someone is designated the primary care giver but the visitation is broken up 50/50

Oh and this morning I found out she got into my email (probably still logged in at home) and forwarded some emails to herself from discussions I was having with a friend about divorce (she went through it) and getting advice/etc.

So let the fun begin.

Instead of talking to your wife about separation and divorce, you e-mailed her. This meant that you two didn't sit down and talk about it all and you two didn't discuss any type of plan--in fact you had no plan. Why the big rush to tell her through e-mail?

So she went through your e-mails. It showed that you discussed the divorce with others, but you couldn't be strong enough to discuss the divorce with her and she mattered the most. I'm not saying what she did was right, but you weren't right in how you approached all this and you approached it poorly and people told you that you shouldn't do it that way, but you did it anyway. I think you made a mess of this. You seemed to be in a hurry to e-mail her that you wanted a divorce. Not even that you wanted a separation, but you headed right to wanting a divorce.

It's time for you to get a consultation with an attorney to find out what your rights are in your situation in your state. Also to find out what the costs would be, and the different ways that it can be done if you wife will agree.

If you truly want to get divorced then please find a good counselor to help
you get through the emotional part you need to deal with and an attorney to help you with the legalities ie custody house ect. Please do this as soon as possible. Living under the same roof with your wife is not good for you her or your kids. Do the best you can to seperate as soon as possible. Trust me I know what I'm talking about. I lived with my x for 6 months before I could move out. It was a living hell! Don't drag things out.

Best of luck to you...

I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorce can be really hard :(

My advice going forward would be to put the interests of your children first at all times. In my opinion, this means letting them remain living in their current home with their mother, even though your name may be on the deed. Divorce is hard enough on children, but when they have to move, it makes it so much more traumatic. If you have to take the financial brunt of things in order to keep your children in the home they know and feel safe in, then so be it. Is it fair to you? No, but I think it's the right thing to do when children are involved. Just my opinion...

Yes I did really mess it up by doing it over email, I was a coward and a chicken and I admit that. I have a hard time expressing myself, especially on such big thigns like this and I have tired for MONTHS to bring it up in person, but no matter what/how hard I tried, how hard I thought what I was going to say I could never get the courage up to do it. So I took the easy/chicken way out to do it over email. I know it was bad and I accept that.

I want to put the kids in the best possibley way and keep them out of it as much as possible.

Wify does not seem to feel the same way. Friday she came home (took our son out of school early) before I got home, and stayed somewhere else, so I did not see them at all on Friday. I texed/called her telling her I wanted to see the children and I said I would pick them up for the night, or on Sunday morning, but she said no because she did not trust me to do it since I did things poorly with how I told her (and a few other reasons), She is just doing it to hurt me because I hurt her, and she is not keeping the childrens best interest at heart. I was at least able to get her to let me see them for an hour at a playground while she "supervised my visitation".

She things I will change the locks and not let her in if I had the kids to myself. But she knows me well enough that I would never do that, to her, or especially the kids. I dont/wont put them in the middle of what is going on between us (and I told her that many times), but she is doing it anyway even though she says she is not.

She said she HAS to come home Monday because she has no where else to go. She says she has to take care of something after work (she gets off at 1) and then pick up our some from school at 3).

She hacked into my email and forwarded a buch of stuff I was discussing with friends that went through this with kids as well. I did not bad mouth her or call her names, or say she was evil or anything. But some of the emails just laid out what was going on, and what she was doign to me and the kids.

I have an appoitment on Tuesday for a consultation with a lawyer. Hopefully I can get some time with them to setup the divorce papers and put in temporary visitation/custody rights for 50./50 utnil we go through the entire process and make it official.

I want 50/50 custody (full would be great) but that wont happen and it would not be fair to her or the kids to not let them be with her (or me) for half the time. She thiks/wants to have custody herself and I only get visitaiton every weekend (or every other weekend) but talking with my friends we can work out 50/50 should be easy. Especially since I do so much (pay bills) and play with the children and they want me and my attention more then my wife because I get down on their level and play with them all the time. My wife does not do that, she barely plays with the children as it is.

WinterKate:
The current home they live in is one that I have solely in my name (for loans and everything) and my wife can no way afford the payments on her own, (and there is no way I can make the payments on the house and afford somewhere else to live if I moved out) and we cant sell it because we are so underwater on it right now. There So the main home would stay mine. SO if anything they would/should stay with me more because this is where they have lived since they were born.

But I dont want to keep them away from their mother (even though she thinks I would do that) and she knows me well enough that I would not do that, but she is upset and things/wants that to be true.

I am the one that thinks we should keep the kids out of it and try to keep them unaware as much as possible so they are not involved in anything until everything is final and we get 2 seperate houses, but she is using them as a tool to hurt me, because I hurt her for asking for a divorce.

Brad: You had to step up for your children. You said you have a hard time expressing yourself, you can't get the courage up and you take the easy/chicken way out.

You are the male role model and that's not a good model for the kids. You don't want them to see that Daddy hides from problems because he can't handle them and it teaches them that's what a man does. Instead you want to get into counseling and work on this because you will forever be the co-parent and you need to step up to be an equal in co-parenting your children and provide that male role model that is very important in their lives.

You said you will get the home because your wife can't afford it. Don't even say that. The attorney will tell you what your states and your situation provides.

In some states, if you bought the home during marriage, you may have to divide it between the two of you during divorce. That means you would either have to buy her half out or sell the home. So no rush to judgment on what you feel may happen. Let the attorney tell you. And DON'T DARE TELL your wife anything you guess--you have to know for sure from the attorney. If you tell her something that is not true, you will probably lose all ability to negotiate with her because you will be untrustworthy.

Your wife doesn't know what your next plans are. Some people in divorce take the kids. She has concern about this, particularly since you wouldn't discuss separation and divorce with her ahead of time with a plan. I think any person in the same situation would be equally concerned.

AsTimeGoesB:

Well what has been happening lately (her hacking my email, taking paperwork I got ready for the attorney out of my personal backpack, and bad mouthing me in front of the kids (and encouraging them to repeat what she said (that I am a liar) and when they said it she replied to the kids that "that is right".

It takes a LOT to piss me off and that is what she has done. I still want to try to be the nice guy and give her what she needs, but more importantly what the kids need/deserve (like keeping them out of all this).

I talked briefly with the attorney today (wife doesnt know I changed part of the appoitment and the rest is tomorrow), but he said that for the house, since we are so underwater she would have to pay half the amount we are underwater, there is no way she can do that. So the house would stay mine. I cant buy her half out, when we are so underwater. We cant sell it and split the profits and each get our own place.

She already things I am lying and untrustworthy because of the private emails she was reading.

I told her my plans are to do what is best for the kids and I also want to be fair with her as well. Some of my comments in the emails she read/hacked into discussed some of the stuff I thought she would get in the divorce. But all the stuff I discussed would be the better stuff, she would get the furniture in our living room and I would keep what was in the basement, she would get the 5k penture pedic bed (sp), and I would keep the old one I have. I dont like the new bed anyways. And a few other things, all of which would benefit her more then me.

I never discussed/said anything about the smaller stuff, except we would have to divide it equally. Either agree, or flip a coin or something by taking turns on what each of us wanted.

I gather that the attorney appointment part II is with the attorney, you and your wife. At that time, are you going to talk to her about what she is saying to the kids? You should.

I wouldn't squawk about her getting into your e-mails or accuse her of "hacking into" your e-mails because you were told by others to talk to her and you ignored that and didn't. She got all the info she needed from your e-mails to find out fully what was going on. I think most wives would have done the same thing. That e-mail info should have come from you talking to her.

Ever think of an "open" marriage?

Hubby and I been together and married for 20 years. Your marriage sounds like our marriage. We each do our own thing but at the end of the day, we ALWAYS put each other first.

We had to redefine our marriage. We both enjoy the benefits of marriage but we are like perfect roomates. There is no verbal/physical abuse. My son LOVES his dad and my hubby LOVES his son. We do a lot of family activites together and we are happy most of the time. Our problem is that there is no intimacy, no sex, no emotional connection. i though of divorce but after seeing what people of through and the change in my lifestlye and future...divorce was not an option. we go our separate ways. We have "unwritten" rules such as, all hoildays and birthdays are spent as a family, each comes home at night, no one :looks" for trouble and we dont access each other's emails, cellphone calls etc... He is 56, i am 46. We have different interest and our own ste of friends. We built a good life together... we just grew apart. he is introverted, spends hours upon hours online totally ignoring me. I'm out the house every weekend at 8am and I'm out all day. we take separate vacations. I have a group of girlfirnds I pal around with. he has no friends. I accepted that he is not going to change therfore, we chose to "redefine" our marriage. Son remains well adjusted. Son loves both parents. I'm never struggling and we get to have our cake and eat it too. I know I'm in denial and this too will change one day but until it does, I take it one day at a time.

I can maybe understand more from your post what my STBX had gone through until he finally dropped the D. He did not have that much courage to tell it face to face. He sent me an email explaining why he has no other option than to file for divorce and gone for NC afterwards. I didnt have a choice but to face it. If you really believe that your marriage cannot be saved anymore, then tell your wife. It will be more painful for everyone if you delay it. But you need to organize a bit some things before telling your wife and ask for legal advice.

My reaction at first was shock and deep sorrow. The NC period my STBX has imposed is quite helpful for me. But it depends also on the person. If she is also unhappy with the marriage, then she might also feel relieved with your announcement.

I think she is someone releaved but she can/is not seeing it/showing it.

I usually just go along with whatever she says/does (I dont care/mind) and she is very controlling and has to be in control of everything.

I think what sux the most for her is I got the courage to tell her I wanted the D and that I am standing up for myself and she doesn't like that, because she is no longer in control, and has no control over this entire situation.

No matter what is going on and what she says I still feel releaved and actualy feel better/good that is is out there and in the process.

The main thing I am still concerned about is the kids and the custody. I want 50/50 physical custody, and she says that is not how it works, someone (she is assuming her) gets full custody, while I get visitation like every other weekend and some days in the middle.

The kids are the only reason I did not drop the D earlier, but it just go so bad I had no choice. I can not stand not seeing them every day, but as long as I get 50/50 physical I can live with that, that way neither one of us gets screwed and I can see benefits to not having them, so I can have time to myself, even though it will suk not seeing them.

Hopefully she will calm down and at least understand my side, and once things are done will not be vindictive (she is doing that now) but allow me to talk to the kids every night, or every couple when she has the kids), maybe even Skype, the kids would get a kick out of that, and I can see them as well as talk to them.