This is a thought-provoking post...and since I've spent the past 8 weeks thinking about these exact questions, I think I have my answer. No, I did not do everything that I could to save my marriage. About a month before he left, I had begun realizing that I wasn't doing absolutely everything I could to make our marriage a good one. Don't get me wrong, I put up with alot of things and was a good wife and mom. But there were some small things that he was unhappy with, so I began changing things to improve our life together. I thought it was working. He seemed genuinely happier, more content, just nicer in general. I was excited about our future together. Then, one day, he suddenly didn't want to be here anymore. Since then, he's told me that I started trying too late, then he told me that he got scared. In my opinion, he was offered a chance with the OW and thought the grass would be greener on the other side, so he went for it. I do have days where I think "if only I'd tried (fill in the blank) sooner", but I have to believe that, if he was as unhappy as he says, he would have left anyways whether it was now or in 20 years. I believe our marriage could have been fixed, if he had any interest in trying. Which makes it even more difficult to deal with.

It's not over yet, but I think I've done everything possible to fix things so far, short of finding the best marriage counselor in the country and having them come live with us until we're fixed. We both changed, I finally realized my part in our undoing- that it wasn't all about him being thoroughly flawed. I've accepted that it isn't his fault my life didn't turn out exactly how I wanted. We changed the way we communicate, no more nagging, no more holding everything in. I think we're honest with each other- although there is some holding back still I think so we don't hurt each other's feelings. We've read every book, been to therapy and mediocre counseling. We've gone on trips and we schedule time alone and we've tried to restart our sex lives. I don't know what else to do! I think it's all down to a basic disconnection and lack of emotion between us, a basic discord between us that can't be fixed. I try to hope that isn't so, but when I look back on our marriage I realize that it was never wonderful except in little bits. I was always stressed and hurt and dejected and he was always in denial about everything. Sorry so long! But if it does indeed end, I will know we definitely tried everything, short of just sucking it up and just living together and having our marriage be a polite facade.

I did not do all I could to change because it became a matter of priorities. My ex wanted me to get high with him. I just laughed and told him "I am silly enough sober. Why do you want me to do that?" I have a daughter from a previous marriage. Her father is mentally ill. If I get to the point that I cannot take care of her, she is up a creek. So the choice was do I make him the priority in my life and do what he wants? or do I make my daughter the priority and make sure I am in my right mind to take care of her? It was an easy choice. So, instead I offered a solution - please get off the drugs and I will do whatever i need to in order to support you. He said he would and claimed he did so I stayed. Now, 3 years later I find out he lied. I think it is okay to change to save a relationship until you are asked to change the things that make you who you are, or the changes compromise your values, or put your children and/or extended family in harm's way. I think it is perfectly okay to draw the line in how far you are willing to go for the sake of love.

I do know that I did everything I could ... everything I could think of, everything our marriage counselor suggested, and everything the ex asked of me. I would like to say that my ex simply gave up ... but that wouldn't be realistic. In truth, she never really even tried. Our marriage just was not important enough to her to warrant the effort to make things work. I am comfortable with the knowledge that I did everthing that I could and I have a clear conscious about it. Like others have stated, it hurts like hell to lose someone you spent so long loving ... but I realize that it just isn't meant to be. I need to work on re-establishing my identity as a individual instead of being one half of a couple.

Southpau, I could have written your post here, word for word.

I became what I thought he wanted me to be, I believed what I thought he wanted me to believe. It's humiliating to even admit that now.

And lately I'm beginning to think that my very willingness to completely remake myself into what he wanted might have been what ultimately drove him away. He didn't have a wife any more, he had a mirror.

Its hard to do something when the other person doesn't care anymore. I talked to her over and over but I got nowhere with her. She stopped careing when she started seeing the OM.

I did everything I could. If I tried any harder I would have probably lost myself in a sea of codependency, lost my morals, lost my sense of happiness in life and lost my mind. I changed what I could, it was he that couldn't really be the kind of person I wanted. He preferred to be the bad guy and he knows it. He even had a t-shirt saying he was the the bad guy, I believe it had Al Pacino from Scarface on it. What does that tell you?

Well, the "other" in my case was an escalating mental illness. I tried everything I could for the 18 years he was sick, and it just kept getting worse until I had nothing left. And since we are both doing much better now, I rest assured that it was the right thing to do.

I would have done everything I could do, but he never gave me the chance. I guess it takes two to tango.

Did I do all I could? No. I probably could have done more...but so could the stbx. Our communication broke down badly and we couldn't seem to put down our shields.. I think we both made the same mistakes, but the gap became too much to bridge in the end.

I asked myself that many many times over the course of the past year. Yes, I did everything I could shy of accepting him having other women. I even went so far as to trying to be ok with him still talking to the dime store whore.. I just couldnt do it. I deserve so much better.

I did everything I possible could, but the fact is that she never wanted to reconcile. If she did, I would not of been the only one trying to make the marriage work. She just wanted to work on herself and that was that. There was no us anymore. Just her and me.

It was the stuggle deep down inside me that killed me. I knew I could not live with this kind of man.I hate myself for not being able to make the best out of a bad situation. I changed until I no longer knew who I was-i felt like a caged animal. I wanted to laugh out loud without being told to be quiet-I wanted my daughter to sing and dance across the hous like she used to, I wanted to cook a meal without being afraid I was putting in an ingredient he did not like, I wanted to wear something without being afraid he would comment on how bad it looked on me, I wanted to kiss him goodbye in the morning without being yelled at for my hair tickling him, I wanted to come on to my husband with the fear i would be rejected-I hate myself for not being able to make the best out of a bad situation-I always said I can endure anything as long as my daughter has a home- I told myself I did not need to be treated in a loving decent manner- his indifference was bareable. If his control had not started to trickle down to my daughter-and he had not put his dreams in front of our financial security- I would have stayed forever-It is almost like I pissed that I thought I deserved more than a man who would not smile when I walked in a room and would barely kiss me .

Realistically-make a list of what you did and what the stbx did-to change and mend the relationship-Does it compare?Mine does not by half.

When the STBX walked out on our marriage, I told him I was 50% responsible for the failure of our marriage. Now I look back and see that it was the STBX that sucked the life out of me. I gave up my identity and independence to please him. I withstood the verbal and physical abuse because I was committed to my marital vows. . . For better or for worse He once told me that IF I had been there with him (partying) wed have been OK. When I asked him who would be watching our children while I was partying with him, he went silent. So here are a few of the things I could not be or do to save our marriage. ONE: I didnt/dont do drugs, TWO: I didnt get so inebriated that I couldnt function (ha ha ha I do now..) THREE he was addicted to hardcore pornography, and FOUR hed already had a girlfriend or two. I couldnt compete with that, nor did I want to. I realized that I was with him physically, but had left him emotionally. He was an unkind and distrustful man. Im better off without him and now I CAN dance.