Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
When my xgf dumped me end of March, I had mixed emotions.
On the one hand I was actually relieved. The pain was not as sharp nor deep as the first two dumpings. I had begun to understand she had some fairly significant issues and life with her would have been a constant struggle, filled with all sorts of drama and heartache. Since then I've even come to understand she was abusing me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think it was intentional. I just think it's who she is and I do have compassion for her because of this.
On the other hand the way she dumped me was vicious, and she used the sharpest verbal weapons, striking at my deepest and most profound vulnerabilities that I had willingly exposed to her. Things I explained to her early on because I loved and trusted her and wanted to be totally honest with her. It brought insecurities and great pain from the past back to the surface. Things I had worked hard for over three years to overcome and put behind me,
Anyway, I worked through it all again and got back to the very good place I was before we started dating. Obviously it didn't take years this time, but only a couple of short months.
I was feeling so damn good before the holidays, but then I started to hit bumps in the road. Triggers, I guess. The anniversary of our first date. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years spent with her and her boys. Her boy's birthday. All the good times we shared during the time we were together. I've been in a real funk since mid-November. :(
I also made a couple of big, idiotic mistake. I sent her holiday greeting texts on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing romantic, just standard Thanksgiving and Christmas greetings. Of course I got no response and to make matters worse I decided to try calling her and discovered she has my numbers bloced on her phones. I already knew she unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
So now I'm sitting here feeling very low. I have all sorts of negative feelings swimming through my head. Rejection. Betrayal. Fear. Aloneness. Inadequate. Worthless. Undesirable. My confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter.
The way she dumped me and totally cut me off makes it look like she thinks I'm crazy, bad, evil, toxic, whatever.
On an intellectual level I know this is silly. As much as I don't like to label people, I'm fairly certain she's some kind of crazy. At the very least, she has an appalling lack of empathy. There were so many ways she could have ended it with a modicum of compassion and understanding. It's almost as if she denied me my humanity.
Am I nuts? Are these feelings normal?
On the one hand I was actually relieved. The pain was not as sharp nor deep as the first two dumpings. I had begun to understand she had some fairly significant issues and life with her would have been a constant struggle, filled with all sorts of drama and heartache. Since then I've even come to understand she was abusing me emotionally and psychologically. I don't think it was intentional. I just think it's who she is and I do have compassion for her because of this.
On the other hand the way she dumped me was vicious, and she used the sharpest verbal weapons, striking at my deepest and most profound vulnerabilities that I had willingly exposed to her. Things I explained to her early on because I loved and trusted her and wanted to be totally honest with her. It brought insecurities and great pain from the past back to the surface. Things I had worked hard for over three years to overcome and put behind me,
Anyway, I worked through it all again and got back to the very good place I was before we started dating. Obviously it didn't take years this time, but only a couple of short months.
I was feeling so damn good before the holidays, but then I started to hit bumps in the road. Triggers, I guess. The anniversary of our first date. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years spent with her and her boys. Her boy's birthday. All the good times we shared during the time we were together. I've been in a real funk since mid-November. :(
I also made a couple of big, idiotic mistake. I sent her holiday greeting texts on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing romantic, just standard Thanksgiving and Christmas greetings. Of course I got no response and to make matters worse I decided to try calling her and discovered she has my numbers bloced on her phones. I already knew she unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
So now I'm sitting here feeling very low. I have all sorts of negative feelings swimming through my head. Rejection. Betrayal. Fear. Aloneness. Inadequate. Worthless. Undesirable. My confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter.
The way she dumped me and totally cut me off makes it look like she thinks I'm crazy, bad, evil, toxic, whatever.
On an intellectual level I know this is silly. As much as I don't like to label people, I'm fairly certain she's some kind of crazy. At the very least, she has an appalling lack of empathy. There were so many ways she could have ended it with a modicum of compassion and understanding. It's almost as if she denied me my humanity.
Am I nuts? Are these feelings normal?
that is the problem that we deal with when we get involved with romantic idealists. sooner or later, we have to love reality instead of idealism.
i hear you, sister. it sure makes you wonder if the next person will set you up for failure too.
That being said, I can relate to what you describe as your clear headed decision to walk away but still being subjected to the emotional dips and dives.
I'm thinking this is in some way tied to what you said about the other not seeing the relationship how we saw it? Perhaps this is a matter of our own ego being overwhelmed?
One thing I haven't been doing these last couple of months is practicing meditation and mindfulness. I think that really helped me identify, understand (to some extent) and better handle the negative emotions when they tried to creep into my consciousness.
I like faithful's observation that we can't go around with arrows in our heart. We can't pull them out though with those barbs on the head. we have to break it off push it all the way through.
I'm lovin your metaphors
speaking to me too
Now that I think about it, I'm even okay with that. I know I will, and I mostly have. Sure, there's still a place in my heart that I hold her dear. I think I would actually be more concerned if I could have turned my feelings for her off so completely so as to not have had any feelings when the important and meaningful dates in our relationship came along.
It was just a lot stronger than I anticipated, and like you, I experienced several moments of weakness that led me to stupidly compound and amplify those feelings.
Lesson learned. Now it's time to get the focus back to me. I have to get used to the idea she will never, ever give me closure. That she drove those arrows deep into my heart and has no intention whatsoever of easing the pain of removal. That's all on me, and I'm foolish to expect even the smallest consideration from her.
in the end, we all go forward back to zero one way or another. it all goes full circle with our without our egos.
as the star trek borg say, "resistance is futile."
Your recovery process is following the absolute normal path - getting better as time goes by, attempting to grasp comprehension of the exact reasoning for the split in such abrupt manner, some days better, others not so good.
Since you joined meetup.com you mentioned that you have had fun moments, met great people, attend concerts, go on fun adventures (your photos are amazing!!!) so I take that little by little you will stand up on your feet, find a gorgeous lady (inside and out) that will fill the emptiness that your last girlfriend left.
We cannot understand why people do what they do. All we can do is observe their actions and understand that certain reactions are repetitive (left jobs with little or no substantial reason, addresses your financial matters with critical eyes - absolutely no-no, blocked contact, and you could be more intrigued by the "why like this" then by "end of it." I could certainly be wrong, but from an outside point of view, this is what seems to be.
I hope you are able to let it go at some point and look around... there are some eyes on you when you go to those meetings...
The rain has removed the bliss from my air
The clouds have taken away my ray of light
The lightning struck through the painted glass
When I never thought it would strike twice
The flowers that use to bloom
Withered through the change of season too
The sun that use to set
Just fades with the rising of the moon
The rivers that use to flow gently
Found the ocean and a new home
The waterfalls that use to be a comfort
Has finally run completely dry
Sincerest apologies if I did.